What Is Gambling Disorder? - psychiatry.org

Disclaimer I want to thank everyone for the gilds, replies and suggestions. I just do not have time to reply to everyone, but I am reading everything. I am not sure how much bigger the thread can be, I already typed this but it vanished so I think I'm at the limit. I will try to keep updating, but I don't expect the thread to be up top for much longer and will likely vanish soon, so if you need anything save it.
Yes, it's hard, it sucks, it's depressing. It is something we all have to do if you want to see this virus go. Everyone knows the deal, too many think they're the exception but no one is. However, staying home is hard so maybe I can help at least one or two people with some incentives. I'll try to give links to some things that can help cure the boredom, and some support if you need it.
Most of this might be obvious to some, some might not even have internet and of course, money is a big issue, so I'll try to give some suggestions:
For streaming and on demand things such as Netflix et al, don't forget you can subscribe for free for your first month. This goes for most things in the list. If you are worried about putting in your payment details and forgetting to cancel a month later, don't worry! You can sign up and immediately cancel and you still get your free month!
For people who don't have a smart TV, you can buy a cheap Amazon Fire TV stick or a Roku box. The Fire stick can go as low as £20 often for 1080p. It will drop to £30 for 4k.
I picked up a 4k Roku device for £18 on Amazon once. It's fast and snappy. currently it's going for £33 for the 4k version. Having both, there is little difference between the devices. NowTV also do their own roku powered device.
Subscription based streaming sites that all offer 2-4 weeks free for first timers

• Netflix *According to comments the second month is free.
  
• Amazon Prime You can either get Amazon video on its own, or take prime with other benefits. I strongly urge those who use Amazon for buying off their store front to use [https://smile.amazon.co.uk/] as there is literally no difference except everything you buy amazon donates to a charity of your choice.
  
• Now TV (I believe it's 7 days)
  
• Disney+
  
• Britbox
  
• Amazon channels. I believe you can get all these individually but Amazon offers them as channels bound to your prime account, and they are again either free for a couple weeks (again, take them, cancel instantly) or very cheap. I recently subscribed to Starzplay for £1 for 3 months. It has some good shows on it like Fringe, doom patrol. It also has channels like Curiosity stream and shudder
  

If you have not subscribed to the any of the above, you can get a few months of free TV by signing up and cancelling instantly. I suggest waiting at least 5 minutes just to let it go through the system.
Some tips for Now TV. IF you already have a subscription, I've noticed you can get it cheaper by cancelling. When you cancel they will beg you to stay. Select "I can not afford it this month" and they should beg again, telling you what shows they have. If you say you still want to cancel, they'll beg one last time and offer you the subscription for cheaper. This won't work every month, but I've noticed they'll always offer it the first time, then again after a couple months. If you're subscribed to both films and entertainment do the most expensive one as it may not work both times (but it might!). You can also pick up passes from storefronts a lot cheaper sometimes, before I could pick one up on Amazon for £3 but, they seem to have cracked down on it. If you shop around (or if anyone knows of a legitimate store please let me know) you might be able to pick it up cheaper. Lastly, check their website and under your account they should have an "offers for you" section.
Completely free TV

• Pluto TV
  
• Viki
  
• Roku
  

If you do have a smart TV and/or device, there are some good free streaming apps. One I really love is called PlutoTV. I know this is on both Roku and the fire stick, as well as Ps4/Ps5 and xbox.
Pluto offers a bunch of live channels and now an on demand section, all for free. It has adverts but they are actually short (shorter than regular TV and fewer of them). Some of the channels are just streaming certain shows like Mythbusters 24/7 or Dog the bounty hunter, but it has a lot of old movie channels as well as 24/7 kickboxing and MMA. It also has a 24/7 poker channel I quite like.
Another one I like is Rakuten Viki however, I haven't watched it for a while as my fire stick is only 1080p and I have too many other devices attached. I believe it is on Roku but you have to jump through some hoops and have an account. The last I checked on the fire stick you did not. Viki offers a metric ton of Asian shows, mainly from Japan and South Korea but it does have chinese, Malaysian etc. It has subtitles. Some Japanese shows are hysterical, albeit weird.
Roku also do their own channels with free shows if you own a device.
For those who don't have a smart TV or a Streaming device, you can set up your own computer as a dedicated streaming device with Plex. It's been a while since I used it but I believe it now also offers free movies and TV.
Anime
If you are into Anime there is

• Crunchyroll
  
• Funimation
  
• HiDive
  

The first 2 are free to watch, or offer premium without ads which you can have a trial with. Crunchyroll is the better of the two with more original choice for Japanese voice and subs, while Funimation has more Dubs. I don't believe HiDive is free to watch but you do get a 2 week trial. These are more exclusives than the previous two.
PC Centric software
If you are a gamer or like Audiobooks or anything that uses computers for things like music making, programming or graphic design

• Humble Bundle
  
• Fanatical
  
• IndieGala
  

Humble Bundle offers, as per the name, bundles. A long running site that got bought out by IGN. It offers both single items and bundles you can buy individually/as a pack while also offering a separate monthly subscription for around £8-9. The subscription gives you 12 games on average per month. That's the simplest explanation but it changes somewhat as sometimes you get to pick 10 out of 14 games, or get all 12.
Humble bundle offers more than just games though. Every Tuesday they bring a new bundle of games, while Thursday (I "think) a new bundle of books. They very often have books from the Black Library giving you a ton of Warhammer books. Sometimes it's standard E-books, other times it's audiobooks. A few times a year they do bundles for graphic design, a typical bundle would include programs like Paintshop Pro Corel Painter etc, They usually go for £0.76 for tier 1 up to around £18 for tier 3, which would include 4-6 full titles with 10+ addons. They also often have Music making bundles or video editing software as well as Programming or video game development.
The bundles change often, they usually have around 11 bundles at a time that last for 20 days. Sometimes it's trash but they do often have some very good deals.
Fanatical offers the same as humble bundle except usually not as high quality, but sometimes they do have some incredible deals, and they are very very cheap.
Both humble and fanatical are safe, trusted and been around a long time, and they are NOT grey market key sites. They work with the publishers and developers. You can buy games both old and new for a lot cheaper than you would most other places. Unless it states otherwise, keys are usually for steam.
**BOTH HB and Fanatical (HB much more common) offer free games fairly often. The catch is linking your steam account to them (at least HB). It is safe however.
IndieGala is another site like above. Except, these are much much lower quality. However, they offer a metric ton of free games. Quality is low but it is legitimate, and a lot of free stuff.
Game Store Fronts

• Steam This one is so obvious I didn't add it, but apparently many want me to. It is the best out there, and you can find almost everything, with fantastic deals.
  
• Greenmangaming offers games cheaply. Again, not a grey market site (which are legal but unethical) and they sometimes do bundles.
  
• GoG (Good old games) is a DRM free site run by CDPR, the makers of the Witcher 3 and Cyberpunk. They offer you games quite cheap and not needing DRM (such as Steam, Uplay etc which is less invasive versions of dodgy DRM from the olden days).
  
• Epic Games Despite the controversy whether you care about their rivalry with valve, they offer free games ever week. Without ever having bought anything I have gained over 170 games. literally. Good games for the most part. They often give you £10 coupons as well.
  
• Twitch Everyone knows twitch, but if you don't, it's a streaming service for watching gamers and girls with low cut tops accidentally bending over in front of the game. However, if you're signed up to prime, you get free games each month (and randomly between the set bunch).
  
• Playstation Store Currently has January sales. Currently the free games for PS+ are for PS4: Shadow of the Tomb Raider and Greedfall. For the Ps5 it is Maneater
  
• Games with Gold Bleed 2 and the King of Fighters XIII is available until Janurary 15th whilst little Nightmares is available until January 31st.
  

Gaming Subscriptions
Like the TV versions, you can sign up to these for a free trial (or very cheap). If you do sign up to only one at a time, it should keep you busy for a few months

• Xbox Game Pass You can do this on both/either an Xbox or PC. If you sign up to the regular one, you can get a month (maybe three!) for £1. After you have done that, you can sign up to the premium version for 3 months at £1 a month. Most people know game pass, but you can download a large selection of games for free. The premium version gives you games with gold, allowing you to keep the games forever (but can only play with a subscription)
  
• Ubisoft+ I'm not 100% sure if you get a trial or not. This allows a large collection of Ubisoft titles to play for £12.99 a month. Quite expensive but good if you like Ubisoft titles I guess.
  
• EA Play EA's version. Goes by a ton of names I think, EA Access, EA Play, Origin Access etc etc. There's a couple of versions of this, and it is across all platforms (PS4/5, Xbox, PC) but not sure about the switch. I "think" the premium allows you to play on all platforms, while the cheaper one on a single platform, but I may be mistaken.
  
• PS Now a once terrible service that is now actually very good. Allows you to download some Ps4 games to your PS4/5 and lets you stream a massive amount of Ps2/3/4 to your PC or playstation.
  

There's more like nvidia's service but you need the Shield device which is quite expensive. I'll leave it at that.
Audiobooks & Ebooks

• Audible Not sure what the current deal is but if you are a prime member you can sign up for a trial and get a free Audiobook each month for 3 months. Some warhammer books are 48 hours long, 3 of those gives you a good 100+ hours of listening!
  
• Comixology Another Amazon company, but lets you download some free comics I believe.
  
• Marvel Unlimited No experience with this. ItFuckingWont wanted me to add it. A subscription service for Marvel.
  

Education

• Sign Language BSL here No experience myself, suggested by n21brown and asked for a few times. Didn't know SL was so popular! Listed as "Pay what you can"
  
• BBC's Bitesize here is apparently good for home learning. Again, no personal experience.
  

If you need some spare change
Okay, I don't generally bother with it, but maybe some of this could be useful to you. These are NOT a quick way to make a fortune. These are small things you can do over time for a bit of pocket change

• If you have prime you can get a FREE FIVE POUND GIFT CARD by literally just streaming a song from Amazon music (which is included in prime) here is the details According to the comments it's only for select people, but it's worth trying If the link doesn't work for you just google "Amazon £5 coupon music"
  
• Now, these sorts of sites have been around for years, I haven't used any other than talkInsights which I must have signed up to 10-15 years ago. Basically they send you surveys and you answer them. They are confidential and don't ask for personal details in the survey. You need 2000 points and you get £20. During the pandemic they've slowed down but I probably get around £40 a year. Not much I know, but it's an email followed by a quick survey ticking boxes. Depending on your answer sometimes you get screened out, I'm not telling you to lie but just be consistent with your answers and you should be able to work out how to not get screened. Some emails are only worth 20 points, others 200. It's slow to get to the 2000 but very quick to just answer a few questions.
  
• Apparently beermoneyuk is a good sub to make some pocket change with.
  
• There is also matched betting. I have never done this, I don't have the patience but from what I've read, it's legitimate, it works and you can make a fair amount of cash from it so long as you do it correctly, and there's a ton of guides. I mention this because people stuck at home could get into it and as long as you're careful (I.E not entering in the wrong numbers) it's risk free AND it pisses off the betting shops. It seems people in comments have had success with it. Disclaimer A couple have complained about gambling. This arguably is not gambling. If you are susceptible to addiction do not do it. However, it's argued that there is no fun or buzz in this, and it's a very tedious and time consuming thing. Others argue you can't make the same money anymore (People were making thousands, now only hundreds if that). It's risk free providing you know what you're doing, the risks are user error, such as entering the wrong numbers. Someone pointed out that due to the lockdown, bets could potentially be cancelled due to sport stopping. So use on a side of caution. We're (mainly) adults so I'll leave it up just because this doesn't have the excitement of regular gambling.
  
• Microsoft Rewards This is an easy way to make pocket change doing very little. Most people have a MS account. The rewards program offers you numerous ways to grab points, by playing free to play games, answering small questions (you don't even need to answer most of the time, just open the link and shut it) and by using bing and searching on it. I've gotten 20k points JUST by answering questions over a couple months. There are many rewards but you can grab a £5 gift card for 6k for example, or a month of game pass (and AFAIK you can make points playing the games)
  
• Google rewards Someone mentioned this in the comments. I have not used it, so can not give any input on it. Sounds similar to TalkInsights which I linked. Google states "Complete short surveys while standing in line, or waiting for a subway. Get rewarded with Google Play or PayPal credit for each one you complete. Topics include everything from opinion polls, to hotel reviews, to merchant satisfaction surveys. We’ll notify you when a survey is waiting."
  

That's it for now. I will try to update as I go along. A long post but I hope that it can help some of you with finding something good to do that's free, cheap or a bargain. I do suggest getting prime, especially since you get free music, free delivery, free TV and music and free video games each month. In fact, there's a ton of perks and I feel I've gotten way over the cost investment.
Hope it helps someone at least
PartTimeCrazy said if you bought an Apple product you get 3 free months of Apple Arcade and Apple TV free for a year
fakehunted is upset I didn't mention wanking. Tesco have 225 sheets of Tissue for £0.75!
tale_lost suggested Project Gutenberg for a collection of free E-Books
Learning Language
Unfortunately, I don't have time to check every link listed so I will link the comments:
Togtogtog Gives a lot of links for Spanish

• Duolingo Numerous people have suggested this So I haven't used myself. Thanks to OhHiGCHQ StephanieMecredy & Allorie_95

Board & Tabletop games
Corporal_Anaesthetic has made a list of Board games
ilyemco suggested these
HEALTH
I'm not a doctor! But if you're a smoker, something I strongly suggest is to quit. I struggled for years but in the first lockdown I quit, technically. I haven't had a cigarette since, however, I do that silly thing millennials do. I vape, but, it made quitting extremely easy. I would not have been able to do it if it wasn't for 88Vape They sell extremely cheap liquids at £1 each. You can find these in B&M but you can pick up 25 for £20 or buy your own mix.
Vitamin D deficiency has been said to be a big problem for the virus. I'd suggest (again, not a doctor!) that you pick some up. Tesco do a 3 for 2 deal. So you can pick up 270 tablets for £7.
If you are vulnerable you MIGHT be able to phone tesco and get put on their delivery saver list (currently it's paused but phoning may help. At the very least they might give you a priority slot. I did this for my mum, we didn't shop at Tesco but I phoned for her, and they put her on with no hassle, so she can always get a delivery.
HELP & ADVICE
The lockdown Rules.
Reasons to leave home include:

• Work or volunteering where it is "unreasonable" to work from home. This includes work in someone else's home, such as that carried out by social workers, nannies, cleaners and tradespeople
  
• Education, training, childcare and medical appointments and emergencies
  
• Exercise outdoors (limited to once a day). This includes meeting one other person from another household in an open public space to exercise
  
• Shopping for essentials such as food and medicine
  
• Communal religious worship
  
• Meeting your support or childcare bubble. Children can also move between separated parents Activities related to moving house
  

I want to add, if you are in danger you are also allowed (and must!) to get away from the situation for some reason, BBC seems to have missed this very important thing (or I am blind)

• To flee the threat of harm or violence.*
  
• CoronaVirus Symptoms
  
• CoronaVirus government site You can check your location and how many cases here.
  
• Worldometers Shows cases around the world.
  
• Interactive UK Map Another easy to read map with cases in counties and local area's.
  
• World Health Organisation
  

Support

• Samaritans
  
• Mental Health UK forum on reddit
  
• Link to above's stick post for support outlets
  
• Mindful
  
• Mind.org
  

FOR THOSE SHIELDING YOU CAN CONTACT THE ROYAL VOLUNTARY SERVICE. These people helped my mother with picking up her medicine from the chemist. They were very helpful and went out their way to keep in touch and do it immediately. (It's the only experience I have with them though)
_riotingpacifist wanted these links added, but I simply just don't have the time to vet and check all the suggestions here, so I will link as is:

• https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/
  
• https://www.goodsamapp.org/
  
• https://vaccinationvolunteers.sja.org.uk/roles/volunteer-vaccinator.html
  
• https://nhsvolunteerresponders.org.uk/getting-you-started-guide-steward-volunteer
  
• https://peoplesmomentum.com/evictionresistance/
  
• https://londonrentersunion.org/
  

Update:
Digital Art
These are Free

• Krita Arguably the best in my opinion. It has a load of options, brushes and a decent UI. It works fantastic with a tablet.
  
• Gimp This is a decent program but last I used, the UI was a pain, and it isn't so user friendly while misses features, but it works, and it is possible to do some incredible creations on it.
  
• Medibang Paint This is slightly geared towards Comics and Manga. I really enjoy using this with my drawing Tablet. As far as I know, it also for regular tablets for Android/Ipad and is free.
  

You can pick up a drawing tablet on Amazon quite cheap these days! Small ones that are just a black slate such as the wacom ones are good but takes some practice to get use to, but very worth it if you can't afford a dedicated drawing tablet with a screen.
Office suit software
A couple of free applications for word processing, spreadsheets etc.

• LibreOffice This has most the average user would need to write their own books or to work from home. There's not a huge amount of difference between the two I'm linking (since I last used anyway) so it's more for preference.
  
• Open Office You can pick this up here and again, like above it's just preference.
  

Music Making
I'm going to direct to matthewharris806 for some links as all the programs I've used like Reason are expensive, or cheaper stuff in bundles such as Magix software.
Games development
D_Dad_Default gives some links for that here

I debated making this post for awhile because I normally just comment in replies to other things. But someone came across an old post and thought I should share directly, particularly given the influx of homeless discussion.
I'm a homeless person in the area. I lived on paid campgrounds in the region when the weather was nicer and now when I have the cash, I stay in motels. So I'm not someone on the lawn, chopping up bikes (I actually sold mine for $50 to pay for another room night) I'm a nobody and you've probably stood in line next to me and had no idea I was homeless because I do everything in my power to keep it together. But I cry a lot and the longer this goes on, the more difficult it is to climb out of because literally everything in society is working against you and I don't think many people realize the logistics of how difficult homelessness can be.
I lost my job literally the week after the NBA shut down. For what it's worth, my former boss got a six figure PPP loan (it was on ProPublica which is how I found out) and I haven't heard from them since. Other than when I had to fight some reporting stuff that they messed up. The shitty thing too is, the company made multiple millions of dollars. Still in business. Still operating btw. Anyway...
I was raised in foster care, so I don't have a family to run to when times get tough. All of my IRL friends live in Canada and I was actually in the IEC working visa pool and hoping to go over, get work experience, make connections, and eventually immigrate there permanently. My friends there are like my family, but there's nothing they can do to bring me over because we aren't blood related and they can send me some money but the exchange rate sucks and so do all the exchange fees. They really just don't know how this country just lets people struggle. But the pool suspended draws in March and at the end of last year, they fully closed it out. There hasn't been any announcement on if they'll ever bring it back and jesus christ I feel so fucked.
So, I want to explain how people end up in situations like mine. I was on a short term lease and it didn't get renewed. It was probably for the better anyway because my former roommate was talking about stabbing Jews like Soros to end the pandemic. (I'm Jewish.) Oh and she owns a business in town.
That was early on in the pandemic when I lost my previous place and I thought honestly this would be over by summer, my job would ask me back and it wouldn't be an issue, so I rented airbnbs even though they were pricey. I don't think many people thought this would all go on as long as it did either.
Then I had car issues (tires balded completely, brakes, rotors, and tired rods iirc? I needed a whole lot of shit done.) Then I got really sick too and medical bills were an arm and leg. I was applying to places to live and my credit was going to obviously get dinged with maxing out credit cards and having unpaid medical bills would just obviously make me a shitty candidate to rent to.
But through June I tried applying to places. But those are hard credit pulls and I did...a number of them over 2-3 months to try my damndest. However, I can't get approved for housing because I'm unemployed and have been unemployed for months. I don't make enough from sex work other than to cover some nights nor is that a viable "job" to most people. I don't have a WA cosigner, hell I don't have ANY cosigner that lives in America, so that takes me out of the running of the vast vast majority of places. And not only that, a number of landlords would only take me if I could pay something like $5k or pay the full amount of the lease upfront. One woman almost rented a room to me, but I have now no "recent" landlord for them to reference and call. When I explained to her I was living in a motel, she called me homeless scum looking for a place to do drugs. One of my friends tried to "act" as a former landlord, but they looked up property records and he wanted to arrest me for fraud. I was just desperate for a place to live (and I want to share this story too because a lot of people make VERY VERY VERY bad suggestions to homeless people.)
I don't even drink in this goddamn state full of craft breweries. I don't like NOT having my wits about me. So no, I'm not some tweaker that does drugs. I also cannot fucking stand the smell of marijuana. I'm a lame ass square. But it doesn't matter because every single stereotype is what you are when you are homeless.
You can't rent a room without having CURRENT employment THAT PAYS THE RENT. So a part time, 10 hour a week gig at $15 McD's won't qualify you for housing. I don't know what is so difficult about understanding that but people really seem to struggle with that. You need to make at least 3-4x to qualify for anything, including just a bedroom.
And? You can't rent without RECENT landlord to reference. It's one of the several sneaky requirements they throw in there in order to make it damn near impossible for someone who is homeless to get permanent housing.
Mentally, it's all a constant waking nightmare. I have to try to figure out the best prices on places to stay, I have to make lots of calls, I apply for aid, I have to stay warm, I have to try to sleep, I have to try to promote my sex work, I have to try to think if there's any future for me. It's exhausting.
"Now you're wondering why not go to the shelter?"
I did one night and I had to fight off assault. I know another girl who was raped and she attempted suicide and had to be committed. PLEASE stop thinking this shit doesn't happen in this town just because your homes cost half a million fucking dollars.
Most people may not also understand the restrictions or lack of dignity that occurs at a lot of shelters. Some shelters force you to change into scrubs they provide, so it feels like prison. You can't keep your stuff on you. It's very time restrictive, so if you are working later than the entry time, you're totally fucked. Or if you need to go to work, you can also be fucked for violating the rules. It's also just full of people who are screaming at night from the mental anguish this shit leaves you in. It's literally sleeping among nightmares.
A lot of aid in town and in general, America, is run by churches or "loosely affiliated religious organizations". I have been point blank asked to convert in order to get help. I'm ethnically Jewish and I dunno how they can't quite get that I can't exactly convert into a new ethnicity. The synagogue in this county has been closed and offers zero aid or help. Also LOTS of charities focus strictly on families and there is also one in town for young adults (under 24.) While I understand that's important, there isn't a lot of help for people like me in their mid-30s or who are single.
"Why not apply for affordable housing?"
Well, most people don't even know that the waiting lists are closed for 1 bedrooms. The list is 5-10+ y e a r s long. Many people have probably never visited it, despite constantly suggesting it to me: https://bellinghamhousing.org/home/applicants/open-waitlist/ go ahead and tell me what's open and what's closed. And that's the waiting list- that's not even you getting housing tomorrow.
"You must make a lot sex working!"
90% of OnlyFans accounts make under $50 a month. It's not the money maker you think it is, earning even $100 is hard work. Processors take huge chunks of earnings, then you have transfer fees, and yeah it's a lot to be desired. There's also the mental toll it can take. Also, I'm not a hot young college thing, I have a specific niche and it doesn't really pay.
So just a few other things, especially as it concerns food:

• Not every motel, especially the cheap ones, have rooms with microwaves or fridges. Or they don't work. If you're on a campground, you can't use perishables without ice, a freezer and that has to be constantly maintained.
• EBT doesn't cover warm or prepared food or "anything intended to be eaten in the store".
• I won't accept food handed to me where I didn't purchase it or it didn't come from a verified place. ESPECIALLY HOMEMADE FOOD. Please, PLEASE reconsider this (I know there is meal train and that might be different, but I'm talking just generally.) I'd actually avoid handing food directly to a homeless person. You have ZERO idea of their allergies or medical conditions. I have NO IDEA if you poisoned it. Now you might laugh, but given the way people who are supposed to be helping have treated me, I really, really can't afford to trust strangers.
• Also, I'm wary of the free pantries. Why? Again, because people tamper with food.
• YOU may be well-intentioned, but enough people aren't.
• I routinely have gotten rotten produce in my food bank box, I can send you fun pics. Point is, most of the stuff is on its last legs or has no legs at all. I have gotten fully molded loaves of bread and I honestly couldn't even eat after seeing it.
• PLEASE stop donating your expired goods to the food bank.
• PLEASE do not donate UNSEALED things to the food bank. Like your hot chocolate mix in a tin from 2014.
• Please donate jams, jellies, honey, and spices because 1) plain beans and rice sucks and 2) surviving on peanut butter sucks and every person struggling right now will tell you some jam would be nice.

People want to help and I get that. And you're like "goddammit what can I do?"
Just hand people money.
Just give people the dignity that they know how to prioritize their needs.
Research continually bares this out: https://www.cnn.com/2020/10/09/americas/direct-giving-homeless-people-vancouver-trnd/index.html
Don't give me coats, I have one. The one you gave me probably won't fit or if I'm allergic to wool, I will have no use for it. (I'm not allergic to wool, but people are!)
Don't give me things I haven't asked for in general. Someone send me a PM saying they have a twin bed I could have. Uh, I have a bed in storage, no thanks. They called me a cunt and told me to kill myself.
Don't hand me lotto tickets. Most scratch offs are loser tickets and then it looks like I'm wasting my money on gambling. You also have no idea who might have be struggling with or recovering from a gambling addiction.
Don't donate your trash and expect me to grateful. You gave me the work of throwing away your garbage and reminding me that's all I am to you and the community.
Don't bitch about homelessness and in the same breath fight Section 8 or assume shit about housing vouchers. If you're a landlord in this town, maybe you ought to accept vouchers and actually try to be a force for good. Or bitch about how minimum wage is too high. It ain't high enough.
Don't send me a PM saying you have a room for me to stay in or will "take me out on a date" to get me food. That's taking advantage of someone. That's also really fucking unsafe. If you do allow homeless and jobless people a place to stay, put that on your facebook or craigslist ad publicly or respond back when someone does explain their situation. (Note: and while I sex work, I'm not an in/outcall worker or an escort. I'm not going to have sex with you or put myself in an incredibly dangerous situation.)
Don't criticize people who are homeless who are trying to tell you what they actually need- you do not know their needs. Please stop assuming you do.
You can encourage groups to just give straight cash grants. If you absolutely are committed to give giftcards, do them for useful places like Target, Walmart, grocery stores, etc. where someone can buy toiletries, clothing, etc. Don't send me a $5 giftcard to like Cabela's. The closest one is a drive away and what can I do with that? I would spend more in gas to get to one. In the same vein, someone offered me a giftcard to like a steakhouse in Seattle. I hope you can understand how those aren't useful.
You can also hold your church, your preferred charity org, etc. ACCOUNTABLE. Actually look what they require of applicants for aid, ask them for how they advertise to the public and what their outreach is, ask how much is going to people, demand transparency.
"Okay, so I want to give to United Way--"
Wait. Stop. PLEASE understand that United Way is a passthrough organization. It's a middle man. They just help fund other charities and they obviously skim off the top as "operating expenses". Likewise, I saw here and on facebook lots of folks donating to Whatcom Community Foundation. They also do not provide any direct aid. It's also a middle man. Listen, I understand they fund a few scholarships and help promote nonprofits and I'm NOT saying it's bad or the worst idea ever, but if we are talking about the most direct, most efficient, and most bang for your buck, just hand your dollars to people struggling.
Hand me $5 and that can go towards my storage unit or cell phone bill or private mailbox or gas or insurance. It can go towards supplements, it can go towards getting a warm cup of soup, or it can go towards another night of a safe warm place to stay. Other sex workers, my friends in Canada, and a couple nice souls on reddit who have helped via paypal/cashapp/venmo? That's been THE reason I've stayed afloat, it's the been THE reason I can stand next to you in line at Target and I don't reek of piss because I was able to actually have a real shower. It has NOT been because of nonprofit organizations.
I think it's really important for people to understand that some bills, some bad luck, and some pandemic fuckery can easily spiral your life into daily struggling and homelessness. It's not easy to move and most of our safety net requires you to have a robust social network. I hope one day I can migrate to Canada, but now I need to resave thousands of dollars to qualify for any visa and to be brutal with you, my chances of achieving that dream and being able to have a real life again are very slim. I'll soon age out of IEC Working Holiday visa and I simply don't have tens of thousands of dollars to pay for graduate school as an alternate way in. It's a hard road ahead for me to get through until I can even get the vaccine.
My hope in sharing this lengthy long diatribe is that it causes you to think and critique the institutions we have. Please think about how you can truly help and what that looks like in action. Not everyone's struggles are the same, especially not everyone's homeless struggles, but thank you for reading mine.
Edit: Thank you again for reading this and really taking it to heart, I really appreciate the kindness and gratitude show. I honestly didn't think anyone would even read this. If anyone else is homeless or struggling or on the verge, I don't take any mind to you sharing your story too and please feel free to just send me a message that this sucks and I'm here to listen to bitching because lordy I get it. xo

Disclaimer I am posting this here because I got a message from the mods asking me to. I'm not from London so links aren't London centric (but hopefully still of help) and the main post is here so any updates will likely be there (I will try here but it's hard to keep up with the amount of suggestions)
Thanks.
Yes, it's hard, it sucks, it's depressing. It is something we all have to do if you want to see this virus go. Everyone knows the deal, too many think they're the exception but no one is. However, staying home is hard so maybe I can help at least one or two people with some incentives. I'll try to give links to some things that can help cure the boredom, and some support if you need it.
Most of this might be obvious to some, some might not even have internet and of course, money is a big issue, so I'll try to give some suggestions:
For streaming and on demand things such as Netflix et al, don't forget you can subscribe for free for your first month. This goes for most things in the list. If you are worried about putting in your payment details and forgetting to cancel a month later, don't worry! You can sign up and immediately cancel and you still get your free month!
For people who don't have a smart TV, you can buy a cheap Amazon Fire TV stick or a Roku box. The Fire stick can go as low as £20 often for 1080p. It will drop to £30 for 4k.
I picked up a 4k Roku device for £18 on Amazon once. It's fast and snappy. currently it's going for £33 for the 4k version. Having both, there is little difference between the devices. NowTV also do their own roku powered device.
Subscription based streaming sites that all offer 2-4 weeks free for first timers

• Netflix *According to comments the second month is free.
  
• Amazon Prime You can either get Amazon video on its own, or take prime with other benefits. I strongly urge those who use Amazon for buying off their store front to use [https://smile.amazon.co.uk/] as there is literally no difference except everything you buy amazon donates to a charity of your choice.
  
• Now TV (I believe it's 7 days)
  
• Disney+
  
• Britbox
  
• Amazon channels. I believe you can get all these individually but Amazon offers them as channels bound to your prime account, and they are again either free for a couple weeks (again, take them, cancel instantly) or very cheap. I recently subscribed to Starzplay for £1 for 3 months. It has some good shows on it like Fringe, doom patrol. It also has channels like Curiosity stream and shudder
  

If you have not subscribed to the any of the above, you can get a few months of free TV by signing up and cancelling instantly. I suggest waiting at least 5 minutes just to let it go through the system.
Some tips for Now TV. IF you already have a subscription, I've noticed you can get it cheaper by cancelling. When you cancel they will beg you to stay. Select "I can not afford it this month" and they should beg again, telling you what shows they have. If you say you still want to cancel, they'll beg one last time and offer you the subscription for cheaper. This won't work every month, but I've noticed they'll always offer it the first time, then again after a couple months. If you're subscribed to both films and entertainment do the most expensive one as it may not work both times (but it might!). You can also pick up passes from storefronts a lot cheaper sometimes, before I could pick one up on Amazon for £3 but, they seem to have cracked down on it. If you shop around (or if anyone knows of a legitimate store please let me know) you might be able to pick it up cheaper. Lastly, check their website and under your account they should have an "offers for you" section.
Completely free TV

• Pluto TV
  
• Viki
  
• Roku
  

If you do have a smart TV and/or device, there are some good free streaming apps. One I really love is called PlutoTV. I know this is on both Roku and the fire stick, as well as Ps4/Ps5 and xbox.
Pluto offers a bunch of live channels and now an on demand section, all for free. It has adverts but they are actually short (shorter than regular TV and fewer of them). Some of the channels are just streaming certain shows like Mythbusters 24/7 or Dog the bounty hunter, but it has a lot of old movie channels as well as 24/7 kickboxing and MMA. It also has a 24/7 poker channel I quite like.
Another one I like is Rakuten Viki however, I haven't watched it for a while as my fire stick is only 1080p and I have too many other devices attached. I believe it is on Roku but you have to jump through some hoops and have an account. The last I checked on the fire stick you did not. Viki offers a metric ton of Asian shows, mainly from Japan and South Korea but it does have chinese, Malaysian etc. It has subtitles. Some Japanese shows are hysterical, albeit weird.
Roku also do their own channels with free shows if you own a device.
For those who don't have a smart TV or a Streaming device, you can set up your own computer as a dedicated streaming device with Plex. It's been a while since I used it but I believe it now also offers free movies and TV.
Anime
If you are into Anime there is

• Crunchyroll
  
• Funimation
  
• HiDive
  

The first 2 are free to watch, or offer premium without ads which you can have a trial with. Crunchyroll is the better of the two with more original choice for Japanese voice and subs, while Funimation has more Dubs. I don't believe HiDive is free to watch but you do get a 2 week trial. These are more exclusives than the previous two.
PC Centric software
If you are a gamer or like Audiobooks or anything that uses computers for things like music making, programming or graphic design

• Humble Bundle
  
• Fanatical
  
• IndieGala
  

Humble Bundle offers, as per the name, bundles. A long running site that got bought out by IGN. It offers both single items and bundles you can buy individually/as a pack while also offering a separate monthly subscription for around £8-9. The subscription gives you 12 games on average per month. That's the simplest explanation but it changes somewhat as sometimes you get to pick 10 out of 14 games, or get all 12.
Humble bundle offers more than just games though. Every Tuesday they bring a new bundle of games, while Thursday (I "think) a new bundle of books. They very often have books from the Black Library giving you a ton of Warhammer books. Sometimes it's standard E-books, other times it's audiobooks. A few times a year they do bundles for graphic design, a typical bundle would include programs like Paintshop Pro Corel Painter etc, They usually go for £0.76 for tier 1 up to around £18 for tier 3, which would include 4-6 full titles with 10+ addons. They also often have Music making bundles or video editing software as well as Programming or video game development.
The bundles change often, they usually have around 11 bundles at a time that last for 20 days. Sometimes it's trash but they do often have some very good deals.
Fanatical offers the same as humble bundle except usually not as high quality, but sometimes they do have some incredible deals, and they are very very cheap.
Both humble and fanatical are safe, trusted and been around a long time, and they are NOT grey market key sites. They work with the publishers and developers. You can buy games both old and new for a lot cheaper than you would most other places. Unless it states otherwise, keys are usually for steam.
**BOTH HB and Fanatical (HB much more common) offer free games fairly often. The catch is linking your steam account to them (at least HB). It is safe however.
IndieGala is another site like above. Except, these are much much lower quality. However, they offer a metric ton of free games. Quality is low but it is legitimate, and a lot of free stuff.
Game Store Fronts

• Steam This one is so obvious I didn't add it, but apparently many want me to. It is the best out there, and you can find almost everything, with fantastic deals.
  
• Greenmangaming offers games cheaply. Again, not a grey market site (which are legal but unethical) and they sometimes do bundles.
  
• GoG (Good old games) is a DRM free site run by CDPR, the makers of the Witcher 3 and Cyberpunk. They offer you games quite cheap and not needing DRM (such as Steam, Uplay etc which is less invasive versions of dodgy DRM from the olden days).
  
• Epic Games Despite the controversy whether you care about their rivalry with valve, they offer free games ever week. Without ever having bought anything I have gained over 170 games. literally. Good games for the most part. They often give you £10 coupons as well.
  
• Twitch Everyone knows twitch, but if you don't, it's a streaming service for watching gamers and girls with low cut tops accidentally bending over in front of the game. However, if you're signed up to prime, you get free games each month (and randomly between the set bunch).
  
• Playstation Store Currently has January sales. Currently the free games for PS+ are for PS4: Shadow of the Tomb Raider and Greedfall. For the Ps5 it is Maneater
  
• Games with Gold Bleed 2 and the King of Fighters XIII is available until Janurary 15th whilst little Nightmares is available until January 31st.
  

Gaming Subscriptions
Like the TV versions, you can sign up to these for a free trial (or very cheap). If you do sign up to only one at a time, it should keep you busy for a few months

• Xbox Game Pass You can do this on both/either an Xbox or PC. If you sign up to the regular one, you can get a month (maybe three!) for £1. After you have done that, you can sign up to the premium version for 3 months at £1 a month. Most people know game pass, but you can download a large selection of games for free. The premium version gives you games with gold, allowing you to keep the games forever (but can only play with a subscription)
  
• Ubisoft+ I'm not 100% sure if you get a trial or not. This allows a large collection of Ubisoft titles to play for £12.99 a month. Quite expensive but good if you like Ubisoft titles I guess.
  
• EA Play EA's version. Goes by a ton of names I think, EA Access, EA Play, Origin Access etc etc. There's a couple of versions of this, and it is across all platforms (PS4/5, Xbox, PC) but not sure about the switch. I "think" the premium allows you to play on all platforms, while the cheaper one on a single platform, but I may be mistaken.
  
• PS Now a once terrible service that is now actually very good. Allows you to download some Ps4 games to your PS4/5 and lets you stream a massive amount of Ps2/3/4 to your PC or playstation.
  

There's more like nvidia's service but you need the Shield device which is quite expensive. I'll leave it at that.
Audiobooks & Ebooks

• Audible Not sure what the current deal is but if you are a prime member you can sign up for a trial and get a free Audiobook each month for 3 months. Some warhammer books are 48 hours long, 3 of those gives you a good 100+ hours of listening!
  
• Comixology Another Amazon company, but lets you download some free comics I believe.
  
• Marvel Unlimited No experience with this. ItFuckingWont wanted me to add it. A subscription service for Marvel.
  

Education

• Sign Language BSL here No experience myself, suggested by n21brown and asked for a few times. Didn't know SL was so popular! Listed as "Pay what you can"
  
• BBC's Bitesize here is apparently good for home learning. Again, no personal experience.
  

If you need some spare change
Okay, I don't generally bother with it, but maybe some of this could be useful to you. These are NOT a quick way to make a fortune. These are small things you can do over time for a bit of pocket change

• If you have prime you can get a FREE FIVE POUND GIFT CARD by literally just streaming a song from Amazon music (which is included in prime) here is the details According to the comments it's only for select people, but it's worth trying If the link doesn't work for you just google "Amazon £5 coupon music"
  
• Now, these sorts of sites have been around for years, I haven't used any other than talkInsights which I must have signed up to 10-15 years ago. Basically they send you surveys and you answer them. They are confidential and don't ask for personal details in the survey. You need 2000 points and you get £20. During the pandemic they've slowed down but I probably get around £40 a year. Not much I know, but it's an email followed by a quick survey ticking boxes. Depending on your answer sometimes you get screened out, I'm not telling you to lie but just be consistent with your answers and you should be able to work out how to not get screened. Some emails are only worth 20 points, others 200. It's slow to get to the 2000 but very quick to just answer a few questions.
  
• Apparently beermoneyuk is a good sub to make some pocket change with.
  
• There is also matched betting. I have never done this, I don't have the patience but from what I've read, it's legitimate, it works and you can make a fair amount of cash from it so long as you do it correctly, and there's a ton of guides. I mention this because people stuck at home could get into it and as long as you're careful (I.E not entering in the wrong numbers) it's risk free AND it pisses off the betting shops. It seems people in comments have had success with it. Disclaimer A couple have complained about gambling. This arguably is not gambling. If you are susceptible to addiction do not do it. However, it's argued that there is no fun or buzz in this, and it's a very tedious and time consuming thing. Others argue you can't make the same money anymore (People were making thousands, now only hundreds if that). It's risk free providing you know what you're doing, the risks are user error, such as entering the wrong numbers. Someone pointed out that due to the lockdown, bets could potentially be cancelled due to sport stopping. So use on a side of caution. We're (mainly) adults so I'll leave it up just because this doesn't have the excitement of regular gambling.
  
• Microsoft Rewards This is an easy way to make pocket change doing very little. Most people have a MS account. The rewards program offers you numerous ways to grab points, by playing free to play games, answering small questions (you don't even need to answer most of the time, just open the link and shut it) and by using bing and searching on it. I've gotten 20k points JUST by answering questions over a couple months. There are many rewards but you can grab a £5 gift card for 6k for example, or a month of game pass (and AFAIK you can make points playing the games)
  
• Google rewards Someone mentioned this in the comments. I have not used it, so can not give any input on it. Sounds similar to TalkInsights which I linked. Google states "Complete short surveys while standing in line, or waiting for a subway. Get rewarded with Google Play or PayPal credit for each one you complete. Topics include everything from opinion polls, to hotel reviews, to merchant satisfaction surveys. We’ll notify you when a survey is waiting."
  

That's it for now. I will try to update as I go along. A long post but I hope that it can help some of you with finding something good to do that's free, cheap or a bargain. I do suggest getting prime, especially since you get free music, free delivery, free TV and music and free video games each month. In fact, there's a ton of perks and I feel I've gotten way over the cost investment.
Hope it helps someone at least
PartTimeCrazy said if you bought an Apple product you get 3 free months of Apple Arcade and Apple TV free for a year
fakehunted is upset I didn't mention wanking. Tesco have 225 sheets of Tissue for £0.75!
tale_lost suggested Project Gutenberg for a collection of free E-Books
Learning Language
Unfortunately, I don't have time to check every link listed so I will link the comments:
Togtogtog Gives a lot of links for Spanish

• Duolingo Numerous people have suggested this So I haven't used myself. Thanks to OhHiGCHQ StephanieMecredy & Allorie_95

Board & Tabletop games
Corporal_Anaesthetic has made a list of Board games
ilyemco suggested these
HEALTH
I'm not a doctor! But if you're a smoker, something I strongly suggest is to quit. I struggled for years but in the first lockdown I quit, technically. I haven't had a cigarette since, however, I do that silly thing millennials do. I vape, but, it made quitting extremely easy. I would not have been able to do it if it wasn't for 88Vape They sell extremely cheap liquids at £1 each. You can find these in B&M but you can pick up 25 for £20 or buy your own mix.
Vitamin D deficiency has been said to be a big problem for the virus. I'd suggest (again, not a doctor!) that you pick some up. Tesco do a 3 for 2 deal. So you can pick up 270 tablets for £7.
If you are vulnerable you MIGHT be able to phone tesco and get put on their delivery saver list (currently it's paused but phoning may help. At the very least they might give you a priority slot. I did this for my mum, we didn't shop at Tesco but I phoned for her, and they put her on with no hassle, so she can always get a delivery.
HELP & ADVICE
The lockdown Rules.
Reasons to leave home include:

• Work or volunteering where it is "unreasonable" to work from home. This includes work in someone else's home, such as that carried out by social workers, nannies, cleaners and tradespeople
  
• Education, training, childcare and medical appointments and emergencies
  
• Exercise outdoors (limited to once a day). This includes meeting one other person from another household in an open public space to exercise
  
• Shopping for essentials such as food and medicine
  
• Communal religious worship
  
• Meeting your support or childcare bubble. Children can also move between separated parents Activities related to moving house
  

I want to add, if you are in danger you are also allowed (and must!) to get away from the situation for some reason, BBC seems to have missed this very important thing (or I am blind)

• To flee the threat of harm or violence.*
  
• CoronaVirus Symptoms
  
• CoronaVirus government site You can check your location and how many cases here.
  
• Worldometers Shows cases around the world.
  
• Interactive UK Map Another easy to read map with cases in counties and local area's.
  
• World Health Organisation
  

Support

• Samaritans
  
• Mental Health UK forum on reddit
  
• Link to above's stick post for support outlets
  
• Mindful
  
• Mind.org
  

FOR THOSE SHIELDING YOU CAN CONTACT THE ROYAL VOLUNTARY SERVICE. These people helped my mother with picking up her medicine from the chemist. They were very helpful and went out their way to keep in touch and do it immediately. (It's the only experience I have with them though)
_riotingpacifist wanted this links added, but I simply just don't have the time to vet and check all the suggestions here, so I will link as is:

• https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/
  
• https://www.goodsamapp.org/
  
• https://vaccinationvolunteers.sja.org.uk/roles/volunteer-vaccinator.html
  
• https://nhsvolunteerresponders.org.uk/getting-you-started-guide-steward-volunteer
  
• https://peoplesmomentum.com/evictionresistance/
  
• https://londonrentersunion.org/
  

Update:
Digital Art
These are Free

• Krita Arguably the best in my opinion. It has a load of options, brushes and a decent UI. It works fantastic with a tablet.
  
• Gimp This is a decent program but last I used, the UI was a pain, and it isn't so user friendly while misses features, but it works, and it is possible to do some incredible creations on it.
  
• Medibang Paint This is slightly geared towards Comics and Manga. I really enjoy using this with my drawing Tablet. As far as I know, it also for regular tablets for Android/Ipad and is free.
  

You can pick up a drawing tablet on Amazon quite cheap these days! Small ones that are just a black slate such as the wacom ones are good but takes some practice to get use to, but very worth it if you can't afford a dedicated drawing tablet with a screen.
Office suit software
A couple of free applications for word processing, spreadsheets etc.

• LibreOffice This has most the average user would need to write their own books or to work from home. There's not a huge amount of difference between the two I'm linking (since I last used anyway) so it's more for preference.
  
• Open Office You can pick this up here and again, like above it's just preference.
  

Music Making
I'm going to direct to matthewharris806 for some links as all the programs I've used like Reason are expensive, or cheaper stuff in bundles such as Magix software.
Games development
D_Dad_Default gives some links for that here

Over the course of 34 days in the spring of 2018, three unsettling crimes played out in the city of Bakersfield, California. The families of the three victims realized their children all knew each other and ran in the same circles, and they began to suspect that all three crimes were connected. But what began as a crusade for justice among grieving parents took a shocking turn when investigators discovered that the so-called Bakersfield 3 were embroiled in a criminal underworld of black-market weapons smuggling, the Hells Angels, unspecified ties to drug cartels, torture and kidnapping, and a convicted felon nicknamed “The Boogeyman of Bakersfield.”
This is a genuinely bizarre case, and while I’ve never written up a case for this sub before, I’ve been following this story closely for the past couple years. The last time it was mentioned on here over a year ago, but there have been some huge recent developments in the last year that I thought deserved as comprehensive a telling as possible. And despite all that, it's nowhere near resolved. So without further ado...
Part 1: Missing
On March 23,2018, Micah Holsonbake, 34, went missing in East Bakersfield near the intersection of Flower Street and Mount Vernon Avenue. Micah was a clean-cut dad who worked in finance, a former high school debater who loved karaoke despite not being any good at it. He was presumed endangered missing until August 22, 2018, when teenagers swimming near a local park found an arm in the Kern River that was identified as his. The rest of his body has never been found.
On April 18, 2018, James Kulstad, 38, was murdered on a quiet block in Southwest Bakersfield. A father of two daughters, James was a serial entrepreneur described as the type of man who “could sell a dollar bill on the side of the road for a million dollars if he could just get 5 minutes with you.” His brother Ryan heard the gunshots from the next street over, but didn’t see the shooter, and he claims he held James as he died in his arms.
On April 25, 2018, Baylee Parrent-Despot, 20, disappeared from Rosedale, the upper-middle-class neighborhood in Northwest Bakersfield where she’d grown up. Baylee described herself as a “flower child” who had been born in the wrong generation. After facing a number of serious challenges, she was struggling to get her life back on track, and was said to be pregnant and trying to leave her boyfriend when she went missing. She has never been heard from again.
Local media christened Micah, James, and Baylee the “Bakersfield 3” after the victims’ families discovered that all three victims knew one another. In the wake of the links between all three disappearances coming to light, Micah’s father told a local news reporter, “Just to be blunt, something happened to Micah… and a month later something happened to Baylee, and I think it’s because she knew what happened to Micah.” And in between them, there was James Kulstad, who ran in the same drug-fueled circles as Baylee and had helped Micah move just weeks before they both were killed. Bakersfield is a city of half a million people, but on a social level, it can feel as insular as any small town — you’re rarely more than one or two degrees removed from anyone you meet — and even in a city where everyone seems to know everyone, it’s hard to buy three friends all going missing within the space of a month by sheer coincidence. But as time went on with few official developments in the investigation, it seemed like people largely lost interest in the case by late 2019.
Then, in 2020, the Kern County District Attorney’s office charged three people with a total of 34 different charges, ranging from first degree murder, torture, kidnapping, assault with a firearm, and illegal manufacturing of assault weapons. Two of the defendants were already in custody — and the third may not even be alive.
Part 2: Some Local Context
By every metric, Bakersfield is just a flat-out terrible place to live. It’s my hometown, I left for a reason, and the reason is that it sucks. Kern County suffers from a slew of serious socioeconomic and public health problems, the largest of which is probably related to economic and income inequality. A fifth of the population is under the poverty line, and crime rates are sky-high, especially drug-related ones. Opioid abuse is rampant, though it still falls second to methamphetamine, the most widespread drug in the area. There’s a significant issue with white supremacist gang violence. When I was 16, my 70-year-old next-door neighbor got stabbed in a biker gang fight at a tattoo parlor by a Hells Angel called “Delano Mike.” A high school chemistry teacher was literally arrested for trying to make meth in his classroom three months before Breaking Bad even premiered. This is a region with a lot of serious problems that go deeper than any one symptom, but suffice it to say, there’s a reason I moved away as soon as I tuned 18.
The other thing you need to know is that despite being one of the most conservative cities in California, there’s a widespread distrust of law enforcement outside of the police and courts themselves — and, frankly, for good reason. Corruption in the justice system is widespread, and basically a local tradition dating back to the tenure of longtime district attorney Ed Jagels, perhaps best known for ramming through 36 false convictions of ritual child abuse at the height of the satanic panic. (34 were eventually overtured, and the other two people convicted died in prison and never saw justice.) Jagels’ history of prosecutorial misconduct is also the subject of Mean Justice, a 600-page doorstopper by Pulitzer-winning author Edward Humes about the wrongful conviction of Pat Dunn, who is currently serving a life sentence for the murder of his wife despite a wealth of evidence that would suggest his innocence. In 2002, Jagels’ protege, an assistant district attorney named Steve Tauzer, was murdered by a former Bakersfield police deputy, Chris Hillis, after Hillis allegedly learned that Tauzer had a sexual relationship with Hillis’ 22-year-old son, an addict in recovery; facing first-degree murder charges, he pled out to manslaughter and received a 12-year prison sentence.
In 2015, The Guardian published an in-depth exposé about how widespread corruption within the local law enforcement community led to Kern County having the highest rate of police killings in the country: the deadliest cops per capita. And over the past several years, the Kern County law enforcement community has been mired in a police corruption scandal in which members of the BPD abused asset forfeiture laws to illegally seize guns, drugs, and money from suspects, which they in turn trafficked for personal gain. All this is to say that Bakersfield cops and prosecutors have not engendered much public trust outside of their own communities. In a city with high rates of violent crime, law enforcement has consistently put its own interests above public safety, justice, or victims’ rights. That's just something to keep in mind while reading.
Part 3: Down the Rabbit Hole
Micah
In the weeks and months prior to Micah Holsonbake’s disappearance, his family could tell that something was troubling him. Lance and Cheryl Holsonbake both recalled their son behaving erratically in the days before he vanished. But none of it seemed to make any sense coming from someone like Micah, whose family described him as intelligent and hard-working. He had a comfortable upbringing in Rosedale and worked his way into a lucrative career as a financial advisor despite only one year of college. In the photo his family circulated following his disappearance, he wore the suit and tie and placid smile of someone posing for a corporate headshot. But Micah was going through a dark time following a rocky separation from his wife and family, and had been struggling with a painkiller addiction for the past two years. The year before, he’d been laid off from his job after going on disability leave due to depression.
According to court documents, Micah owed drug-related debts to members of the Hells Angels as well as “the cartel.” One friend of Micah’s told police his life seemed to be headed in a downward spiral after he lost the ability to see his son, and often got in fights with others at bars. In one witness statement, an unidentified woman told police of a prior incident when she and Holsonbake were kidnapped at gunpoint and driven to an orchard in west Bakersfield. Holsonbake bolted from the vehicle as it was moving, she told police. That account was corroborated by a friend of Holsonbake's who told police that he said he had been kidnapped at gunpoint. He told his parents that he feared for his life, frequently thought he was being followed in his car, and rambled about various people he believed were out to get him, but they mostly wrote it off.
James
Micah had been hanging around with James Kulstad for some time before he disappeared. It’s not clear when they first met, but it appears they become friendly through the drug scene. Like Micah, James first became addicted to prescription painkillers after being hit by a car, before progressing to fentanyl patches and eventually heroin. He’d been a single father to his daughters Camryn and August. His obituary characterized him as a free-wheeling surfer who held a patent for an action sports product and earned the nickname “Joe Vegas” for his love of gambling and table games. Camryn, now 19, says she and James had an especially close relationship after her mother died when Camryn was an infant, and James often warned her against getting involved with drugs and partying in a clear-headed way, which made it even harder to watch him spiral downward in the years before his death. “I felt like I lost him before I even lost him, but I worked so hard,” she told a reporter. “I was working so hard on everything I could do to make him get better… I was hanging onto hope and whoever killed him took that away from me. I don’t have that anymore, I don’t have hope.”
In the wake of her father’s death, Camryn says that a number of stories and rumors about his life surfaced, further complicating her grief. “Some of the stories I’ve heard is that he was a really bad person these last 3 years,” she said in 2019. On the night of his murder, James reportedly drove to an acquaintance’s home in Southwest Bakersfield where his brother Ryan Kulstad was hanging out. Ryan claims that the homeowner allegedly owed money to James and told Ryan that if James came over to his house, he’d “call his boys and they’d come over there strapped,” which Ryan says he didn’t interpret as a serious threat. Ryan and James reportedly argued about this on the phone, and James showed up at the house a couple hours later. Ryan says he had just returned from driving someone else home and noticed a driver in a silver sedan behaving suspiciously as he returned to the house. Moments later, Ryan and his unidentified male passenger heard gunshots on the next block: an unknown gunman opened fire on James from another car, causing him to crash into a parked trailer. The same silver sedan was seen speeding away from the scene.
The owner of the home where this all took place was Dr. Sukhjeet Bajwa, who at the time was a chiropractor with a local practice. Bajwa lived in a quiet subdivision in Southwest Bakersfield. It was an unlikely setting for a drive-by, and according to initial news reports, police were at a loss for the motive behind the killing, or what James was even doing in the neighborhood at all. Then things began to unravel: Bajwa, it turned out, had been arrested twice in 2016 and 2017 after driving while impaired, and in addition to liquid heroin, Xanax, and hydrocodone, police also found two unregistered, loaded guns in his car, an AR-15 and a .22LR semi-automatic rifle with a fake silencer attached. All of this was detailed in a disciplinary complaint filed by the California Board of Chiropractic Examiners, and after Bajwa’s name began repeatedly surfacing in connection with the shooting, a rumor began to circulate about a black-market gun and drug trafficking ring in which Bajwa was supposedly a central figure.
It was the type of conspiracy theory most people instinctively write off as too bizarre to be credible. But it must have rung a bell to Lance Holsonbake. Before Micah’s disappearance, he told his father that he was “putting together guns for people,” according to a 2019 interview. Lance said he reacted in disbelief to this confession, because the idea that Micah would risk his career by getting involved in illegal gun manufacturing just didn’t make sense. “If you’re this afraid, just stop,” Lance recalls telling him. “And he’d say, ‘I can’t do that I can’t do that.’ He was afraid he did that they would hurt his family.” He wrote it off as paranoia exaggerated by his son’s drug use, and didn’t know how much of it was real and how much was in Micah’s mind. According to Lance, Bakersfield police initially suggested that Micah had left town of his own volition after getting mixed up in criminal activity and, from what I can tell, didn’t make much of an effort to investigate. Though the family says he was last seen on March 23, 2018, Bakersfield police claimed he wasn’t reported missing until April 4, and it appears they waited until April 13, when he’d been missing for almost a month, before BPD made its first public statement regarding his disappearance. After James was murdered a few days later, the Holsonbake and Kulstad families grew increasingly frustrated with the apparent lack of interest in investigating either case, and told the media later that as they began digging into the circumstances surrounding both cases, one name kept coming up with everyone they talked to: Baylee Despot. And within a week, Baylee Despot had also gone missing in Bakersfield.
Baylee
Baylee Parrent-Despot was 20 years old when she was reported missing in April 2018, and the families say that it was her disappearance that finally motivated the police and local news to start investigating the links between all three cases, for reasons that seem obvious to anyone who has ever seen the media react to a pretty white 20-year-old going missing. Her sister, Katelyn Parrent, describes her as “a girl that’s grown up in a good neighborhood, raised by good parents, had a good childhood, could’ve had everything she ever wanted,” much like James and Micah. And beneath the surface, she was as troubled as either of the men: after graduating high school, she’d run off to Vegas to marry her boyfriend, but their rocky relationship turned into an abusive marriage that ended just a year later in 2017. In the aftermath, she wrecked her car, lost her job, and in her mother’s words, “Her life just spiraled out of control.”
In July 2017, Baylee was arrested for disorderly conduct in front of her friend Micah Holsonbake’s house. This came as a surprise to her sister, who had at one point been friendly with Micah herself — she didn’t realize he and Baylee even knew each other. But even though he was 14 years Baylee’s senior, Katelyn remembered him as a clean-cut guy who worked at a bank, and their mother, Jane Parrent, says Micah helped her get a restraining order against an abusive ex-boyfriend. They didn’t see any cause for concern. Still, Baylee’s life continued to spiral out of control. The following month, she was drugged and gang-raped at an acquaintance’s apartment complex. She disappeared for days at a time and resurfaced with “horrible stories” or pleading phone calls begging to be picked up. On one occasion, Katelyn remembers, “She had none of her belongings, no shoes… A couple nights after that there were two vehicles that came to pick her up and we could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t want to go, but if she didn’t go, we didn’t know what would happen.”
Matthew
Not long after that incident, Baylee had a new boyfriend. Matthew Queen was 43 years old, a convicted felon, and an all-around bad dude. Not much is known about his background, with one major exception: in the early 2000s, he plead guilty to one count of making a false statement to a federal firearms dealer after he used a false address, but his real name, to purchase $11,000 in guns from dealers in Indiana. Many of those guns were later recovered at crime scenes in Detroit and Chicago. If you want an idea of what type of criminal mastermind we’re dealing with here, I recommend reading just the final ruling on that case from the 7th Circuit court of appeals:

“We reject Queen's argument that gun buyers may lie about a street address so long as they live within the state where the gun is sold . . . Queen in fact had once lived in an apartment at 2072 Egret Court, but he did not live at this address when he completed the forms and bought the guns because he was evicted on December 18, 2000, for nonpayment of rent."

Great. Sounds like a great guy.
Lest you assume Matthew Queen might have hypothetically seen the error of his ways and cleaned up his act after this early foray into gunrunning, he absolutely did not. In December 2017, just a couple weeks into Matthew and Baylee’s relationship, they were arrested after police found four unmarked, unregistered, loaded assault rifles in Matthew’s car during a traffic stop. Neither he or Baylee said a word to the police, but while Matthew (who, as a convicted felon, was prohibited from carrying any guns or ammunition at all) was charged with several felonies, while Baylee pled no contest to a lesser misdemeanor and received three years probation. Later that month, she moved in with Matthew, his mother, and his estranged wife. Baylee’s family saw and heard even less from her. And in April, a month after Micah’s disappearance and just one day after she and Matthew attended a court date for the weapons charges, Baylee went missing. Her mother believed she was pregnant with Matthew’s child and was trying to leave him at the time. Matthew told police that she had connections through her father's side of the family with a Mexican drug cartel and believed they had something to do with her disappearance.
Local interest in the case reached an even greater frenzy after Micah’s severed arm was found in the Kern River in Hart Park on the east side of town, not far from from where he was last seen. It was positively identified in late December 2018. By this point, the family of the Bakersfield 3's investigation had amassed around 10,000 followers on Facebook and another 5,000 in a private group, and the story was a fixture on local news. Another curveball came around this time too, when a former friend of Baylee’s named Sara Wedemeyer, 21, filed a restraining order against Baylee’s mother, Jane Parrent. As it was reported, Sara had moved in with Matthew mere weeks after Baylee disappeared, and she was four months pregnant with his child when she attempted to take out legal action against Mrs. Parrent, whom she claimed was harassing her and her “fiancé” by hanging up missing person fliers in their neighborhood. The restraining order wasn't granted, but Queen allegedly began making disturbing social media posts about Baylee, Micah, and the Parrent family, with Mrs. Parrent as the primary target. And in mid-2019, the investigation seemed to grind to a halt.
Part 4: New Developments
On May 27, 2020, roughly two years after the first developments in the Bakersfield 3 case, the Kern County District Attorney held at a press conference to announce they believe Baylee Despot and Matthew Queen “deliberately and with premeditation" murdered Micah Holsonbake. Despot and Queen, along with a third man, Matthew Vandecasteele, were charged with the alleged kidnapping, torture, and first degree murder, as well as unlawful manufacturing of assault weapons, conspiracy relating to the murder and torture plot, and a slew of other assault and gun charges (34 in total). Queen and Vandacasteele were both in custody at the time the charges against them were filed, but even though Baylee still has not been seen or heard from since 2018, the DA’s office issued a warrant for her arrest, leading some to speculate she may still be alive.
According to court records, Matthew Queen allegedly believed that Micah Holsonbake had stolen a .44-caliber revolver from him. He and Baylee Despot kidnapped Micah, zip-tied him to a chair in Matthew Vandecasteele’s garage, and attempted to torture him in order to extract information from him. A blood stain in the garage matched Holsonbake’s DNA. Vandecasteele told police that he didn’t see or hear Micah on the night he was killed, but knew that the other two had brought him there to question him. After several hours, Baylee allegedly returned to the apartment seeming “flustered” and changed her clothes in a back bedroom. Before they left, “Queen told Vandecasteele that he had cleaned everything up and it was OK to go inside the garage.” The next day, Queen returned to Vandecasteele’s apartment and said he “needed help disposing of something” in a large black storage container in the trunk of his car. Vandecasteele claims he refused to help with disposing of the body, but according police reports, his Google history during that period of time included searches for “lye chemical formula,” “lye for sale” and “how long does it take to dissolve a human body,” as well as browsing for lye on the Home Depot and Lowe’s websites.
Queen, Despot, and Vandacasteele allegedly manufactured and sold AR-15s from gun build kits. Other witness testimony released by the courts described various kidnappings that witnesses allege Queen, known as “the boogeyman of Bakersfield,” committed. In one incident, Queen allegedly handcuffed one victim to a chair and put an electric dog collar around his neck because he believed the man had stolen a gun part from him. Another witness said that Queen and Vandacasteele showed up armed at his hotel room after the witness told Baylee where he was staying, and that he believed they intended to kill him because he’d been arrested “with a large quantity of narcotics that he was fronted or given without paying for them and the people who had gave him the narcotics could have been upset.” (According to the police report, surveillance footage from the hotel corroborates this account.)
It’s also believed that he made anonymous calls to the police tip line to misdirect the investigation away from himself: one such caller referred to Baylee as a “sugar momma,” a phrase which Queen reportedly used to describe her when he spoke to investigators in August 2019, and he also used the same pseudonym on the tip line that he did on social media. When police questioned him around this time, he denied being part of a criminal enterprise and claimed he could barely pay his bills. Then, while out on bail for unrelated gun charges in January 2019, Queen allegedly kidnapped another man at gunpoint and forced him to walk into the Kern River while Queen accused him of snitching to the cops. He’s been in custody since July of 2019 due to this kidnapping.
Part 5: No Body, No Crime
So where is Baylee Despot?
According to official statements from law enforcement, no one knows. After the warrant was issued for her arrest, a wave of speculation followed that she had faked her own death or fled to Mexico with the help of unspecified “cartel connections.” That story seems less and less likely as more details have emerged from court documents. Vandecasteele told the police that Despot was “falling apart mentally” after murdering Micah. He and Queen both suspected that she was cooperating with police on an investigation relating to the illegal weapons charges, called her a “snitch” in one interview, and told investigators he believed Queen “made her disappear.” In one interview, a female witness said Queen kidnapped her at gunpoint, took her to an orchard, and held an AR-15 to her head while he questioned her about whether Baylee was faithful to him.
When police questioned him about Baylee’s disappearance in July 2019, he said was depressed and off her medications, and she had said she wanted to die. When the investigator told Queen there had been allegations of domestic violence involving him and Baylee, some of which resulted in bruises, Queen said he never laid a hand on anyone. He told the detective she was clumsy. Despite all of this, Jane Parrent says that police have told her that they don’t consider Matthew Queen a person of interest in Baylee’s disappearance, and that there is "no known physical evidence that definitively confirms her possible death." She is now offering her own personally-funded $1000 reward for information about her daughter’s location.
The rest of Micah Holsonbake’s body has not been recovered, though according to court documents, investigators believe Queen may have buried him in the hills near Taft, a rural area about 45 minutes west of Bakersfield.
There have been no developments in the investigation of James Kulstad’s murder since 2018. Anyone with information is urged to contact the Bakersfield Police Department at (661) 327-7111, or the Kern Secret Witness program at (661) 322-4040. A reward of up to $10,000 is being offered for information leading to an arrest in this case.
Ultimately, what really frustrates me about this case is that even after this avalanche of charges, so many questions remain unresolved, and not just what happened and who did it, but why. If the investigation concluded that James Kulstad’s death was unrelated to the disappearances of Baylee and Micah, who ordered his murder, and what was the reason? To what extent was the chiropractor involved with Queen and Vandecasteele’s trafficking racket? Was Sara Wedemeyer involved with Baylee’s disappearance, and if not, how’d she end up living with Matthew and expecting his child just two months after her “friend” went missing? Why did Sara and Matthew harass Baylee’s mother for months after the disappearance?
More than anything, I’m still lost as to Baylee Despot’s motivation for any of this. Did she just find herself in too deep with no way out? Did she actively make the choice to become a gunrunner? Did Matthew, looking to settle a grudge against Micah, seek out a relationship with Baylee with the intention of using her to get to him? Did he kill her because she was cooperating with the cops, because she attempted to leave him, or because he was just a sociopath who felt she was no longer useful?
Or is there a chance that law enforcement knows more than they’ve let on? When investigators told Mrs. Parrent that Matthew isn’t a suspect in her disappearance, was that an indication that she may, in fact, be alive?
Probably not. But at this point, anything is possible.
Sources:

1. Baylee’s page on The Charley Project: https://charleyproject.org/case/baylee-cheyanne-despot
2. First news story about Micah Holsonbake’s disappearance, 4/13/20: https://www.bakersfield.com/news/breaking/man-reported-missing-april-has-medical-condition-family-says/article_8af62936-3f73-11e8-a82e-4b2ef30f031f.html
3. “Baylee Parrent-Despot reported missing for more than a month,” 6/8/18: https://www.turnto23.com/news/local-news/baylee-parrent-despot-reported-missing-for-more-than-a-month
4. “The Bakersfield 3: Reward offered in Baylee Despot case,” 9/18/18: https://www.kget.com/news/the-bakersfield-3-reward-offered-in-baylee-despot-case/
5. “Bakersfield 3 mothers recall their last contact with children,” news article dated 10/24/18 https://www.bakersfield.com/news/momma-loves-you-bakersfield-mothers-recall-their-last-contact-with/article_418f70a8-d7e0-11e8-ac3c-67a7fc8df3d1.html
6. “BPD: Missing man in Bakersfield 3 believed to have been killed, and his death shares similarities with disappearance of missing woman,” 10/20/18: https://www.bakersfield.com/news/breaking/bpd-missing-man-in-bakersfield-believed-to-have-been-killed/article_fbeb8eb4-04b8-11e9-bb07-17e07813288b.html
7. “Mother of missing woman fights harassment claims stemming from her daughter’s disappearance,” 12/18/18: https://www.kget.com/news/mother-of-missing-woman-fights-harassment-claims-stemming-from-her-daughters-disappearance/
8. “Micah Holsonbake dead; DNA test confirms arm found in river his,” 12/20/18: https://bakersfieldnow.com/news/local/bpd-believes-a-man-missing-since-march-was-murdered
9. “Stories behind the Bakersfield 3,” 12/20/18: https://www.kget.com/news/homicide-news/stories-behind-the-bakersfield-3/1669785945/
10. Ryan Kulstad appearance on Dr. Phil, 1/14/19: https://www.drphil.com/videos/a-young-man-describes-what-led-up-to-him-holding-his-older-brother-in-his-arms-as-he-died/
11. “A closer look at the Bakersfield 3: Where is Baylee Despot?,” 3/5/19: https://www.kget.com/news/local-news/domestic-violence/a-closer-look-at-the-bakersfield-3-where-is-baylee-despot/
12. “A closer look at the Bakersfield 3: Who killed James Kulstad?” 3/6/19: https://www.kget.com/news/a-closer-look-at-the-bakersfield-3-who-killed-james-kulstad/
13. “A closer look at the Bakersfield 3: What happened to Micah Holsonbake?” 3/7/19: https://www.kget.com/news/a-closer-look-at-the-bakersfield-3-what-happened-to-micah-holsonbake/
14. “One year later, mothers of Bakersfield 3 continue their search for answers,” 3/23/19: https://www.bakersfield.com/news/one-year-later-mothers-of-bakersfield-3-continue-their-search-for-answers/article_528a7650-4cfc-11e9-886c-23d55ec3c32d.html
15. “One year since death of James Kulstad, one of the 'Bakersfield 3’,” 4/8/19: https://www.turnto23.com/news/local-news/one-year-since-death-of-james-kulstad-one-of-the-bakersfield-3
16. “Mother of missing Baylee Despot speaks out on arrest of kidnapping suspect Matthew Queen,” 7/15/19: https://www.kget.com/news/local-news/mother-of-missing-baylee-despot-speaks-out-on-arrest-of-kidnapping-suspect-matthew-queen/
17. “Investigating the mysteries of what happened to the Bakersfield 3,” 11/3/19: https://www.turnto23.com/news/crime/investigating-the-mysteries-of-what-happened-to-the-bakersfield-3
18. “Defendant in alleged kidnapping waives right to preliminary hearing,” 11/9/19: https://www.bakersfield.com/news/defendant-in-alleged-kidnapping-waives-right-to-preliminary-hearing/article_b5a3274c-00c4-11ea-a1e9-635cd4a35c9e.html
19. “More charges filed against accused kidnapper Matthew Queen,” 1/1/20: https://www.kget.com/news/crime-watch/more-charges-filed-against-kidnapping-suspect-matthew-queen/
20. Press release announcing charges filed against Queen, Despot, and Vandacasteele: https://www.kerncounty.com/home/showpublisheddocument?id=4595
21. “Matthew Queen makes a court appearance in connection to 'Bakersfield 3' case,” 6/12/20: https://www.turnto23.com/news/crime/matthew-queen-make-a-court-appearance-in-connection-to-bakersfield-3-case
22. “‘Bakersfield 3’ member Micah Holsonbake believed killed by Matthew Queen over alleged stolen gun, defendant says in court documents,” 6/18/20: https://www.kget.com/news/crime-watch/bakersfield-3-member-micah-holsonbake-was-killed-by-matthew-queen-over-alleged-stolen-gun-defendant-says-in-court-documents/
23. “Documents suggest Micah Holsonbake was afraid of suspect Matthew Queen; suggest Queen attempted to mislead investigation,” 6/17/20: https://www.turnto23.com/news/crime/documents-suggest-micah-holsonbake-was-afraid-of-suspect-matthew-queen-suggest-queen-attempted-to-mislead-investigation
24. “Documents detail depth of investigation into suspected murder of Bakersfield 3 member,” 6/19/20: https://www.bakersfield.com/news/documents-detail-depth-of-investigation-into-suspected-murder-of-bakersfield-3-membearticle_ac1fb9a4-b278-11ea-962b-6b8ee0b03647.html
25. “Bakersfield 3 update: Matthew Queen appears in court, pleas not guilty to all charges,” 6/11/20: https://bakersfieldnow.com/news/local/bakersfield-3-update-matthew-queen-appears-in-court-pleas-not-guilty-to-all-charges
26. “‘Bakersfield 3’ member Micah Holsonbake was afraid of murder suspect Matthew Queen, became increasingly paranoid before he disappeared, documents say,” 6/17/20
27. Appellate court decision against Matthew Queen: https://law.justia.com/cases/federal/appellate-courts/F3/408/337/509670/
28. Obituary of James Kulstad: https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/bakersfield/obituary.aspx?n=james-john-kulstad&pid=188771330&fhid=6140

So I've been playing a lot but, as everyone feels or know, a lot is never too much. As time goes by and games accumulate one tends to wonder why we play, specially when we fluctuate in elo and when we get stuck (never happen to me yet but I hear some stories... freaking scary. Did you ever enter a profile of your rival only to realize that the guy has been a 1600 for more than 10.000 games and you feel like this cold inside, while you thought: "maybe one day that will be me". S-C-A-R-Y).
Anyway, you start to see some psychological profile. As for myself, I am obsessive, passionate in everything I do, what people call "freak control" and have a big temper that, inevitably, is what makes me fluctuate.
I started to play chess (not that you care about but I do care about why YOU play chess), for philosophical reasons and psychological inquiry. I was fascinated by the determinism of the game, how the first move defines the last one and al that. Then, I switch to the psychological side of things, Jung and the unconscious symbols and the personality behind the play. Eventually, I stop caring about that and see the game behind the humanity because, as we all know, when we reach 1200-1300 the game stops being "just a game", it becomes a sport. You crave to be better and to defeat your older self with a much better version (at least for me, I tried to go "Goku style: "I fight to defeat myself". So sexy when you said it but so, so, so really hard to apply). And then you start realizing something about yourself and your colleagues (I call my rivals colleagues, it is a medical student thing), that maybe we are not quite "right" in the head. I mean... why the hell we continue? Winning feels nice, but losing feels worst. You need to cure 1 defeat with 3 to 5 victories to get that beautiful feeling that says: "I am a special play" (but then the dark side, immediately says: you are not, you are just a "put anyone elo". And the dark side always wins because no a single soul is happy with his current elo, not even a 2000). In that very moment, I start to wonder really deep about this "habit" we have and how, in reality, is probably an addiction that is too keen on obsessives personalities and freak controls. Basically, the obsessives personality is an addict to everything he or she does but, for the most part, his or her obsessions are functional to society and are not drugs. After having reach that point, I start reading about GMs (our super heroes who are really awkward most of the time and history of chess... I mean, does Magnus enters the spectrum? Is he like that because of the language barrier? Or he is just playing a persona? WHO IS THIS GUY----stop it, please, you are making the lonely reader who took the time to read this and not answer immediately, uncomfortable) and, as I was saying (it was a really long parenthesis, got to bring the context back), I started to read about GMs and their life and I started to see a pattern: (seriously, who is Magnus Car--): alcoholism, gambling and all sort of addictions and mental conditions. Of course this is not universal, there are cool and humble guys like Fabiano (so nice streamings, he is like an angel of chess. He is the white knight of chess). So then, I start asking around my colleagues, if they got any funny "habit" and, not to my surprise, they have some.
So, my friend, I am asking you now. Why do you play? How would you describe yourself? Are you obsessives, narcissist, sadist, an addict who plays to ignore some weird craving? Do you want to prove something to everyone because of a deep insecurity? Feel free to answer and tell your story. I am reading.
PS: I am not being elo-racist, I just think that a player who reach 1500 is not just doing it for the "kicks". Or maybe you are. Or maybe you play a lot of games and you want to share your insight, so feel free anyway.

Hey there,
I am 24 and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. My whole world changed.
This condition is not what most people think it is, and it might be extremely relevant for our community. So please read this. It might be very important to you. I am not saying all of us have it now, don't worry. But I think it is extremely important to at least make sure it's not ADHD. If this post helps even one of you getting diagnosed with this condition, then this is more than worth it. Because many adult people never find out about it and try to fight and improve what they think are problems or bad traits but actually are symptoms, which is frustrating because they are not the real problem.
When I first read the headline of an article about "Adult ADHD" I thought to myself: "Well.. I am not that loud, annoying, running around type of person.. I might have been as a kid.. kind of.. but that's normal right?". Then I read this:
Adult ADHD symptoms may include:

• Impulsiveness
• Forgetting names and dates
• Missing deadlines and leaving projects unfinished
• Extreme emotionality and rejection sensitivity
• Becoming easily distracted and disorganized
• Suffering generalized anxiety disorder and depression
• Low frustration tolerance
• Trouble multitasking
• problems prioritizing
• Poor time management skills
• Problems focusing on a task
• Frequent mood swings
• Problems following through and completing tasks
• Hot temper
• Trouble coping with stress

"In adults, the main features of ADHD may include difficulty paying attention, impulsiveness and restlessness. Symptoms can range from mild to severe. Many adults with ADHD aren't aware they have it — they just know that everyday tasks can be a challenge."
​
Boy were my assumptions wrong. I had no clue what ADHD really is.
So, it's basically a neurotransmitter deficiencie in your brain. And no, it doesn't grow out as you become an adult. Some folks just learn to somewhat cope. It's pretty much genetic. Nothing psychological. Just means you're born with too little of certain chemicals in your brain.. which it needs to function well and be happy. So if you really wanna break it down, you basically don't have enough dopamine because your DNA hates you (it's not that simple but works for now). It also has a very high comorbidity rate. Which means if you have ADHD, you are at way higher risk of developing psychological conditions like Anxiety, depression, eating disorder etc. "A disproportionate number of children and adults with ADHD also experience depression. For example, researchers from the University of Chicago have found that adolescents with ADHD are 10 times more likely to develop depression than those without ADHD." That's why ADHD is very often overlooked while it actually might be the underlying problem and the depression (+ anxiety + "insert fun") is just a nice side effect on top, to make sure life is great :)
But because of lower dopamine levels and the brain constantly wanting to close that gap, folks are way more prone to addiction. We need input to not feel sad. To feel normal. Substance, gambling, gaming.
Oh, and having ADHD also causes your brain to produce stress hormones all the time. Like the same hormones "normal" people produce only when they experience stressful situations. Sounds awesome, I know!
Medication, with the right dosage, is the single most effective treatment. Because it just regulates the chemicals in your brain to a normal level. My initial reaction when I first tried medication.. I literally started crying.
For the first time in my life, my brain actually felt calm.
​
But then second reaction was like "No way this is how good normal feels like. This can't be true. I definitely am high. The dosage must be too high. This ain't real." --- it was real. I talked to my doc and he explained to me what it would feel like if the dosage was too high. Basically, it would definitely not calm you down like that. You could concentrate more, but you would get pretty nervous.
From there on I noticed so so many different things. I can't list all of them now but the most important thing is I was able to do things if that's what I really want to do now. Of course some things like studying aren't fun (if it's not very specific details about something in a game), but you might still want to do them. Because you should for your own good. I can just do these things now. If I really want to. I can still keep playing games or watching a show if I want to. But I don't have to.
If you want to read more about this, the following link is a great place to start~
https://www.healthline.com/health/depression
​
Have a beautiful day everyone.
​
​
Oh, you can also do this little test if you want to.
Please get yourself checked if you struggle with even some of these things. They might seem like normal life stuff, but they're not.
Quick test:
1. I have difficulty getting organized.
2. When given a task, I usually procrastinate rather than doing it right away.
3. I work on a lot of projects, but can’t seem to complete most of them.
4. I tend to make decisions and act on them impulsively — like spending money, getting sexually involved with someone, diving into new activities, and changing plans.
5. I get bored easily.
6. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I just can’t seem to reach my goals.
7. I often get distracted when people are talking; I just tune out or drift off.
8. I get so wrapped up in some things I do that I can hardly stop to take a break or switch to doing something else.
9. I tend to overdo things even when they’re not good for me — like compulsive shopping, drinking too much, overworking, and overeating.
10. I get frustrated easily and I get impatient when things are going too slowly.
11. My self-esteem is not as high as that of others I know.
12. I need a lot of stimulation from things like action movies and video games, new purchases, being among lively friends, driving fast or engaging in extreme sports.
13. I tend to say or do things without thinking, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.
14. I’d rather do things my own way than follow the rules and procedures of others.
15. I often find myself tapping a pencil, swinging my leg, or doing something else to work off nervous energy.
16. I can feel suddenly down when I’m separated from people, projects or things that I like to be involved with.
17. I see myself differently than others see me, and when someone gets angry with me for doing something that upset them I’m often very surprised.
18. Even though I worry a lot about dangerous things that are unlikely to happen to me, I tend to be careless and accident prone.
19. Even though I have a lot of fears, people would describe me as a risk taker.
20. I make a lot of careless mistakes.
21. I have blood relatives who suffer from ADHD, another neurological disorder, or substance abuse.
If you answered yes to 15 of these questions, you show signs of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD). However, you can still have ADHD even if you answered yes to fewer than 15 of these questions. This informal test is intended as a general guide only; share it with your doctor for further analysis.

Disclaimer:
Before we begin, let's establish some boundaries: I'm not able to speak for every person with AGP. I haven't been conducting in-depth studies for years on thousands of patients. All I can tell you is my story, and my observations in my life. I've been commenting on others' posts with little tidbits and excerpts from my life and my stances, but I've now received several private messages asking for more info - one person in particular asked for me to write out my "full story" more or less...so perhaps this is more effective, to have it all in one place.
There are many examples of "successful" trans stories, and tragic tales of de-transitioning, yet we don't see or hear much about AGP men leading a happy, successful life into middle-to-old age...which I think is mostly self-evident: if you happily manage it, you aren't likely to want to bring up old memories again in some reddit post. However, after so many years of not having anyone to understand me, I am enjoying wading in these waters, and absolutely feel it as my duty to share my story of success.
One more time for emphasis: AGP seems to affect people very similarly in some ways, and very different in others. Someone who was molested is likely to have a harsher trauma than someone who was told they looked like a girl one time - but it's actually not certain. We have SUCH limited data and awareness as a society on this thing, that it's almost all anecdotal other than a handful of doctors/authors. And while I write this to give hope to many, I understand that an 18 year old who already knows they have AGP has a way better chance of breaking habits as opposed to a 48 year old who's been indulging them since puberty. That said, perhaps the 48 year old has more willpower than the 18 year old! Point being, my story will explain what's worked for me. Perhaps it could work for you as well, or perhaps you actually want to feed into the AGP.
This got very long. I've divided it up into 3 parts:

1. Early life + teen years. This is the longest due to the importance of formative years + the relevance to a lot of young guys reading this. Writing about these parts was like looking into a different world, so guys, please have patience with your developing mind.
2. College years up until discovering "AGP" as a concept at 27. This is the shortest section, due to its relatively static nature.
3. 27 "the year of destiny"-present. This is also long because I begin with my discovery of AGP, and I've ended it off with my advice on how to achieve similar results with success. I'd recommend scrolling to the end if you're of limited attention span and just want some jot-points...but knowing AGP, I think you'll all read it just fine.

PART 1
Potential origins:
I didn't have a terrifying upbringing or a terrible family, but there were flaws. My father was a hard-ass about "manning up" which I actually think has a place, but he didn't balance that with expressing love as much as he could have. But I believe the major point of origin was when my sister and I (she's 2 years younger) would get in an argument or potentially minor physical clash, she would screech and my dad would come running in and give me a smack. No beatings, but it was evident to young me (I believe this happened from the range of 6-10 years old) that boys were at more physical risk than girls.
It was never explained (if it was, it wasn't done well because I don't remember it) about the biological differences between boys and girls as they get older, which at least would have made more sense. However, it was still a bad scene since my sister figured out the game and would fake-scream just to get me in trouble sometimes. I am sure this could have contributed to the AGP, as my brain may have imprinted from a base, primitive, survival level that being a girl is safer - ironically it's clear now that women are much more physically vulnerable, but once the imprint establishes itself, it's in.
My father was the bad cop, my mom the good cop, he was working a lot - which I'm grateful for - but he wasn't as involved as he could have been in hindsight. They eventually split up when I was 10, about a year before puberty...so yeah, I'm sure all of this has some accumulative effect.
During this pre-pubescent time, I was entirely hetero on the surface, although I can vividly recall a dream or two where I was a girl against my will - telling that I recall them. One was where I ran out the front door and if I didn't go back in, I'd become a girl. Another one I was sitting at a dinner table and I just was a girl - this one was actually more uncomfortably weird, due to me just being a girl in it doing normal things, but knowing I wasn't in real life.
Anyway, those dreams are not to be ignored, but I had the standard crushes on girls and had multiple "girlfriends" even at age 10. Played some sports but wasn't super interested in them at this point, although I liked video games and competition. I've always been emotionally intelligent, but other than that I had no typical feminine interests or desire for their clothing/bodies. Girls, to me, were mostly just boring people who didn't get rough and play sports with us guys.
I don't recall any conscious AGP feelings until puberty, where the imprint barged in through my mind's walls KOOL-AID MAN STYLE.
First signs of AGP
Safe to say, from here on out it's NSFW, but I'll try to keep it as classy as possible while still being informative.
Had it ever since first masturbation. It was to a picture of Angelina Jolie on a video game magazine dressed as Tomb Raider; I was very fixated on the tight shorts and imagined myself as her, and after that I'd often imagine myself as a woman in sex with a "shadow" man. I had never watched porn at this point, although I had seen sex scenes in movies which gave me the visual fuel.
I was the typical teen boy in that I was jacking off MULTIPLE TIMES every day, but I was atypical in that it was always AGP. I didn't have regular access to the internet until I was 14 or so, and even then I was never really into porn. All I needed was imagery if I wanted external stimulation; looking at a picture of a naked woman and imagining I had her body. My imagination game is very strong.
I remember first hearing about "transsexuals" or "sex changes" through TV shows/movies, and would get strangely curious about it. I remember reading into it at some point, and being immensely turned on the whole time. I went to a school with uniforms and would look at girls all day, and often I'd get jealous when they'd wear tight pants. Much more tamely, I'd often play little weird games in my head like when playing games I'd think to myself "if you hit that target on this shot, you get to become a hot girl".
So...YEAH it was pretty strong. It's also important to mention that I went through many changes during one year, around 11 years old: puberty, parents separating (only saw father every 2nd weekend), went to a different school...so it was a lot of change at once, and it's hard to say how much each contributed to what.
Social struggles, search for teen identity
All I know is I was significantly less socially successful from 4th grade to 5th, by a longshot. I was still playing sports and doing well at all that, but I just never really had that drive or knowhow to interact with girls. I was a good looking athlete so I was a little confused at all this; although I was also very late to the internet game as I mentioned - a lot of social bonding was happening over "MSN messenger, the equivalent to "AOL messenger" or the current facebook messenger. I was missing out on a lot of interaction there, so once again, hard to pinpoint how much was the AGP's fault, but I doubt it helped.
From 11-16 I didn't really know how to socialize effectively, although I was starting to get girlfriends slowly but surely in high school (14-16). And then my father passed away from cancer! Certainly not ideal.
Around 16 I found a group of stoner males that taught me a bit of the "party scene", although they had a parallel group of females that I actually started hanging out with more. This was probably the most effeminate path I'd taken in life to this point, but the guys were very aggressive and harsh, and I was so much more emotionally sensitive. I will never forget one night these girls tried convincing me "come on, just admit it, you ARE a girl! it's fine, you're just one of us..." uhh COME ON GOD WHAT THE HECK. That scene is instilled in my head to this day as an AGP-dysphoric memory.
All this time, I was indulging in AGP masturbation fantasies, but I also had strong hetero competition - I had romantic girlfriends, and even in that female group of friends I actually would have liked to have hooked up with some of them. I really just lacked the ability to be forthright and bold and masculine in my advances; all of the girlfriends I had, had advanced on me first. I will admit I have very good looks...without them, I would have likely been incel...UNTIL:
ALCOHOL HELPED WITH HETEROSEXUAL ENCOUNTERS
Around 17-18 years old I merged back in with the male group, and started drinking at gatherings/parties more often. Turns out this was GREAT for making me analyze less, being more forthright and brash, etc. Sure, I also behaved as a buffoon, but I guess in hindsight it did get me feeling stronger about my masculine side. Really not good advice, as I did engage in the typical "college weekend alcoholic" for years, something I didn't fully escape until about 27.
BACK TO PRODUCTIVE INSIGHT/ADVICE: cross-dressing phase
So yes, I clearly had textbook AGP, but it didn't terribly impact my life for a while - I imagine being purely hetero during puberty would have me jacking off just as often, and being just as distracted. Testosterone is a heckuva drug. But there was some escalation eventually. I believe the first time I cross-dressed in private was around 14-15...this gave me TREMENDOUS AGP excitement, but I felt a ton of shame and the level of arousal was a little scary. If I had to guess, I'd say I did it only once or twice every year, until somewhere in my later teens, perhaps 16-18. It's hard to pinpoint, but I do know that at some point I started CDing (always to intense ejaculation) more and more, and one week in particular I was doing it every day. I began shakily/anxiously trying to put on makeup, and even *NSFW* putting a lubed-up pen up my butt a little bit. Writing that out feels weird, but hey, them's the facts.
Thankfully, one day that week, someone came home - I believe it was my sister. I was fully dressed up + makeup, and my heart was pounding. Luckily I was in the bathroom, so I SOMEHOW MANAGED to have a shower and return all the clothing without anyone ever noticing. But I'm pretty sure that was the last time I ever CD'd...and I haven't looked back in that time. It was very clearly the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my entire life, and in the span of one week it was already escalating tremendously.
First big dysphoria
Let's talk about my thoughts during these times. As this CD phase escalated, dysphoria became extremely present. I remember getting hard to thoughts of myself as a woman, looking at my cock, and thinking "well, I see you're happy, but you're going to be cut up into a vagina someday if we keep doing this. Hope you're happy, bro".
I am somewhat of a manlet, with light features, and small hands/feet/bone structure, which only confused me further. I thought often and thoroughly about how it seemed I was basically meant to be a woman, and how there was no escaping. This level of obsessive thought-loop has appeared several times in my life, but thankfully not consistently or for too long. Every time I was in the deepest depths of this dysphoric mindset, I always felt my worst. The more I tried embracing my "inner woman", the more incredibly anxious, depressed, shaky, weak I'd feel...it became clear to me that I do not want to feel those things, and I had a lot to be grateful for in my male life. If this happened the more I accepted being a woman, then why would I surrender and feel that way all the time?!
As I strayed away from the CDing, the dysphoria dissipated considerably.
ONE MORE TIME
I have basically never felt intense anxiety or depression as an adult male. I always feel intense anxiety or depression when I have fed the AGP to the point it grows to dysphoria.
This should be a major emphasis for anyone out there who's still reading and resonates with my story. We are always told to listen to our body in terms of health, so why should this be any different? Yes, sure, if you get depressed NOT giving into your AGP, then sure, try indulging. But for me, one week of crossdressing seriously impacted my stimulus-sensitive mind, and could have altered my life completely had I not stopped then and there.
By the way, I didn't pop a pill, it wasn't easy...but I did it. I'm not a superhero. If you recognize that a drug addiction is bad for you, it's not going to be easy to quit...but you can do it.
PART 2
Alpha Chad Frat Boy + First "Coming Out"
Welcome to part 2, and I hope you enjoy the ironic title of the next stage. I'm going to try to be as concise as I can, as part 1 was very long - but the formative years are incredibly important, especially considering many young men will be reading this and still living in those years. This next period basically covers my late teens/mid 20s.
It's important to remember I still didn't even know what AGP was at this point. Huge disadvantage. I had figured I was maybe "half trans" or something, but couldn't figure it out. After the CDing phase, I continued my partying and social growth. On the positive side, I had some AMAZINGLY FUN times - despite my emotional senses, I am still extremely extroverted. And by this stage, likely with the help of alcohol, I had managed to build up some protective walls so the harsh words of brotherhood didn't affect me so much. I made MANY friends, and had sex with MANY women in my early-mid 20s.
The negative side: this immense social success made it very easy to ignore AGP tendencies. I still had very strong AGP masturbation fantasies, and was actually imagining I was many of the women I slept with. But because I was satisfying a huge social issue for me, this wasn't a big deal...
...until I actually fell for a girl, instead of just wanting a one-night stand. All my obsessive thinking was transferred to her - and I never got with her, even though we spent almost every day together for 2 years. We took the same classes, but she completely friend-zoned me. I would still hook up with other women, but she was always the target.
She also didn't help the AGP by saying things like "I wish you were girl so we could talk about fashion/boys/etc." or "what if we come back for a class reunion in 10 years and you're a woman!" Idk if this broad could see the underlying femininity or what, but that was certainly not great.
Eventually, after trying to overtly and forthrightly convince her to date me for two years, I drunkenly tried to fight my friend at a party who was making a move on her. She hated me for this, and said she never wanted to speak to me again.
"OH HI MARK, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?" - my AGP morphing to dysphoria at that moment in time. Yeah, turns out if you completely shut out all remotely feminine traits in public, while privately engaging in AGP fantasies, and then putting all your emotional eggs in one human being...you're putting a lot of hope in that one basket not falling. Well, it fell. And I genuinely loved her as a friend at the least, so I actually told her I wanted to meet up and tell her something important.
I told her I had "trans thoughts" and went into some detail. I wanted her to just tell me it was obvious and that I should go for it, if we're being honest. I was wide open for exploitation after having all those "eggs in a basket" explode in one night...THANK GOD I didn't know about trans reddit, they would have had a field day.
I got lucky. This girl was shocked, and told me I shouldn't do anything drastic, that she wasn't someone who knew what to do here. It's important to note she had previously expressed some curiosity toward trans people, and seemed to like the idea of them. But her very rational response here was a major blessing at that vulnerable moment in my life.
Saying a lot of these then-decade old thoughts (was probably 21-22) out loud was therapeutic enough at the time, so the dysphoria basically vanished. This is why I do not recommend "blind repression", as it can leave you vulnerable when sometimes even just talking about or acknowledging the AGP on a non-sexual level an relieve very heavy dysphoria.
But I still didn't even know what AGP was...so let's fast-forward.
First therapeutic activity
At 23, after what was probably another year of blind repression like I'd done in the past, I managed to find an outlet for my emotionally sensitive side: acting classes. I had a very tough instructor who cut right through my tough-guy act and helped break down my walls to access the emotion required for acting out highly emotional scenes.
This probably saved my life.
For me, sexually feeding the AGP directly will lead to the least-desired outcome. However, finding an outlet to vent the AGP-adjacent (feminine, softer, but not sexual) side of me seems to have altered my life a lot. I also began exercising more than ever during this stage of my life.
This was also the poorest I have ever been financially, working temporary factory jobs for minimum wage. But I don't recall any major flare-ups leading to dysphoria, even though I was still engaging in the AGP masturbation fantasies, and doing the "I'm her" thing during sex. This indicates that even during times where flare-ups are more likely, things like exercise and having a "vent" can help.
Career boost
I focused on training for my career and at 24 I got a huge opportunity with a company. This helped boost mental well-being and kept things largely on-track for a few years...
Part 3
AGP discovery
At 27, I had moved to a new city, living at an AirBnb with other people, my career lost some momentum, and I still hadn't had a stable relationship since I was 19...you guessed it, AGP-fueled dysphoria-time.
This was the most critical turning point in my entire life to this point: I stumbled upon the concept of AGP. This was amazing! It described me perfectly, and so I delved through alllll the literature, and allll the online content...but remember, my life was still un-sturdy. I still exercised, but on its own it is not enough. And now I was obsessing over the AGP, diving in head-first...I ended up entering by far the worst dysphoria since the CDing era in my teens, arguably worse.
I say worse because I was very recently 27, and was acutely aware that 27 was getting a little too close to 30. Instead of learning how to control the AGP, I ended up watching some of the sissy hypno for the first time, and masturbating multiple times a day to AGP fantasies. Fortunately, I was old enough at this time to comprehend how powerful it was, and didn't go too far in that.
But it was the most intense year of my life. I could feel a spiritual tug-o-war, it was very apparent that this was now-or-never - in both directions. Knowing my enemy in AGP was great, but it wasn't great that I had a strong condition that the literature made it seem as if one day I was doomed to transition no matter what.
Doomed to Trans?
And doesn't that just play right into the fantasy? "well, you're going to do it as an old weird dude anyway, might as well do it now and not destroy the lives of a woman and children - not to mention enjoy some attractive pretend-woman years" "just give in" "surrender to it all, let it happen"...
What a siren song for someone with AGP...and yet, there was so much at stake. While not as wildly social as my early 20's (I quit drinking to excess that year), I enjoyed my social life as a male. I was attracted to women, even with the AGP sideshow. Let's face it: the most beautiful, mentally sound women are much more likely to be attracted to an in-tact man, and a traditionally masculine man at that. They want someone to fill the father role for their children.
There's also the matter of personal well-being. I've never seen an elderly transperson, frankly, until Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. And they have the best medical teams money can buy. The facts are that medical transition is extremely dangerous...most people can develop serious health problems just from living normally, never mind the introduction of cross-gender hormones. One is hooked on a lifetime prescription of pills. As for the physical surgery elements: a neovagina has many, often disgusting, unfortunate outcomes that are far from uncommon.
We will never be women.
Knowing I had AGP really helped with that, especially as I do have some feminine-ish physical traits. It's a lot harder to justify living as a man if you're definitively instructed by society that you're actually a woman in the wrong body...and that's all I could find for the first 16 years of my pubescent life.
So I more or less listed the pros and cons of each.
List your pros/cons of each outcome
Pros of living male: great mental and physical health, attractive, great friends, get to create my own family, get to be with a great woman, career is overall still good, my future goals all align with this, day-to-day life is easy in term's of society's expectations of appearance, don't have to worry about walking alone at night etc.
Cons: never knowing for sure what the other side feels like, must exercise discipline instead of instant gratification, society expects a higher income if you plan on mating effectively, people feel less sorry for you, more responsibility
Pros of deciding to be a pseudo-woman: perhaps orgasms would be 12/10, not just 10/10, would at least be fun at first to play with female/body, basically get to hit re-start button on life and learn a new-playthrough, less responsibility, have sense of finality as opposed to constant wondering in dysphoric state
cons: may be unattractive, even if somewhat attractive will always know that you aren't actually a woman, less men will be interested in settling down, infertile, likely to die sooner, less physical strength, more vulnerable, mental health likely less stable due to nature of estrogen, operations could be botched leaving one a mutilated mess, will drastically alter all friend/family/work relationships, have to learn how to live from the ground-up in a brand new world, novelty could wear off and realize grass was not greener
...I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but it sure looks like the cons for succumbing to the AGP desires are more numerous and have much more dire consequences. It looks like a fun sexual gamble you'd maybe take with a video game character...but to take a chance risking a good life? It was obviously the worst outcome.
Do I have control?
Okay, so the AGP feelings are permanent, but I wanted to overcome them. I logically recognized that the male life is much more desirable...but once again, am I doomed? Heading towards 30, I wanted to find that special lady and have some kids, and I would loathe myself to give in to a selfish, illogical sexual kink that ruins the mental state of an entire family. Was I doomed? Not if I could help it.
If I kept blindly hoping for the best, pretending there was no dragon nearby, one day that dragon would emerge from its cave and kill me. If I was going to "die" at the hands of this thing, I was going to do it in the dragon's lair. Die bravely, or live triumphantly.
I needed to hammer this out, so I reached out to Blanchard himself, and he mercifully replied. Living in Canada, I was able to see his friend Ken Zucker, who understands AGP - I WOULD ONLY RECOMMEND GOING TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES AGP SERIOUSLY. The majority of today's gender therapists are likely to look for any reason to castrate you, more or less.
Heading into the therapy, I realized that this was an intense step and the dysphoria flared up substantially for the final time. I will admit, the AGP wanted him to tell me I was doomed and had to do it. It wasn't the logic talking, but the AGP knew it was closer to its goal than ever before...
Thankfully, talking about ALL of this with a true professional helped immensely. He said there is likely some AGP (no way!), but nothing I can't handle. I can't stress enough how fighting this head-on was such a victory for me living a normal life.
Now, this exact therapy-outcome may not be realistic for many. Money and/or an AGP-aware gender doc may not be in play. Use this subreddit, ask people like me or others whose story sounds relatable to yours. You can achieve this first step of clarity in many ways on your own.
Take control.

1. Figure out your exact condition, your feelings, what's led to it all, where you see your future...FIGURE IT OUT. Way easier said than done, but so crucial.
2. Decide your path, understanding that at no point will you be "forced" to do anything. Everything in my story after the AGP was imprinted was a choice of mine. The only difference was that each choice was made with different levels of wisdom behind it.
3. Protect yourself. Let's talk about that.

Protect yourself
Understand that while deciding to carry on as male is almost always the smart choice, and long-term the "easier" life...you are likely to have at least mild-to-medium AGP flare-ups for life. The people who go for the pseudo-woman life are sacrificing a lot long-term, but their big advantage is that they at least don't have to worry about AGP taking over any more - they've surrendered to it, at whatever cost that may be.
But if your life would be much better as a male, then I liken this logic to losing a war. Sure, the relief of the war being over would be something - you don't have to fight for your life anymore - but the repercussions may be profound, as seen by the effects on defeated nations/civilizations over the years.
It's been 2 years since my last dysphoria/major AGP flare-up, which is pretty cool, but obviously not a victory lap yet. However, there are massive differences in my lifestyle between now and my pre-AGP-aware repressions:

1. I no longer look at porn at all, or use AGP fantasies for masturbation or during sex. The urge isn't even there.
2. After implementing this mental wiring ^ I was able to increase my outward female-targeting. This landed me a great gal that I've since married, and I dominate her submissiveness automatically. Writing this essay has basically been like looking into a different world, in hindsight.
3. I've come to Christ fully and completely. To be honest, if you look at how my puberty began and where my life is now, it's not hard to see "miracles" can take place, and I do attribute God to many of my life's saving turning points...however I didn't mention His influence until now, as I want to reach as many people as possible, and I know reddit isn't the most Christian-friendly website. But I assure you that the advantages to having Faith are very helpful. One caveat: if someone does not effectively take control and understand their issues before jumping headfirst into religion, it is more likely to result in relapse. Hence the molester priests who kept their problems buried their entire lives.
4. I've returned to the weight-lifting of my early-20's, with a better diet than I ever had back then (and less of a weekend alcohol addiction). These seem basic, but mental health is so drastically improved from these factors alone, that it's worth mentioning.
5. Obsessive thought-loops: these are what spiral the AGP out of control, but they can also keep you going to the gym every day. Feeding the AGP via little thoughts will generally lead to medium thoughts, and so-on, unless it is identified and squashed early on. When I get mild flare ups I just laugh, and go over to kiss my wife, realizing she's a better woman than I could ever pretend to be. We are likely all somewhat obsessive, so be vigilant with your thought cycles.

Pillars of stability
I figured that I'd identify some pillars of stability that will naturally reduce anxiety and accompanying AGP flare-ups:

1. Career. Find a way to be happy while making money
2. Romance. The longer you use AGP fantasy in masturbation/sex, the harder this aspect will be to fulfill. If you pop an AGP boner, try switching over to a hetero fantasy before you finish. Maybe a girl you have a crush on. Tbh I've finished to visualizations of my ideal life, which is weird but seems to work
3. Physical. Work out, if not for physical appearance, then for mental well-being. Maintain a strong diet, get your vitamins.
4. Social. We are social creatures, get out there and have some fun. Loneliness is a major source of AGP flare-up.
5. Spiritual. I personally testify that God has had a major hand in my preservation, and not just from AGP/dysphoria. Maybe this seems silly, but keep an open mind.

You may notice that all of these are under attack from the lockdowns...I personally don't think this is an accident. It doesn't take a genius to see how terribly mental health in general has been affected by it all. Stay vigilant. Do not allow corrupt politicians (who don't abide their own rules) to mentally castrate you.
Final thoughts/Where I'm at now
I've been writing this for almost 4 hours now...jeez. My brain is spent, and I haven't eaten as I want this done. But let me try to offer a little bit more of my story/advice briefly. I may edit this little section if I think of something later:

• AGP doesn't have to be a curse. I actually believe that if it's compartmentalized effectively, you have an advantage over other guys when it comes to reading a woman, and knowing what she wants - especially sexually.
• self-awareness, discipline, willpower...these things reign supreme. You control a lot more than you think you do.
• I've been completely content since those fateful therapy sessions and subsequent life decisions, no hidden rage or envy. I am almost never affected by anxiety or depression
• these 2 years have been the best of my life, even though I had temporarily repressed blindly in the past. Considering I had still been engaging the AGP fantasies back then, it's no wonder something ate at me underneath it all, even in successful repression.

​
Alright, that's it for me. Hope this helps someone, even slightly. There are likely spelling errors, repetition, and/or missing links/holes in the story throughout...I am not proofreading this right now, but feel free to point anything out or question anything I've written, of course. I'll edit where necessary.
Open to all questions and am always available to talk about this very lonely condition, in public or private if you prefer.
Stay strong...you are not alone.

- - ADVICE NEEDED - -
I believe I've seen some ENTP males comment on being a parent before but I'm not sure I've heard from any females on this subject. The possibility of having kids has suddenly become a reality for me and I need advice from other like-minded people on whether or not it's worth going through with.
** Skip to the end if you don't want to read my background although I believe it's really important given my unusual life circumstances. *\*
------------------------------------------------------ Background -------------------------------------------------------
I never thought I wanted kids growing up because I had a life-threatening disease that, for one, made it likely I would die before the age of 35, and for two, makes getting pregnant & carrying a baby to term extremely hard.
I'm currently 26 and a lot of things have happened in the last 5 years that I never expected to be possible in my lifetime. I graduated college, I got off the problem-drugs I was addicted to for pain-management related to my disease, I got a stable tech industry job with benefits that pays a livable wage and aligns with my skill set — I even found an INTJ partner and we got married 2 years ago. Since then we got a new car, we bought a house, we adopted two additional puppies in addition to my older dog, plus our jobs aren't as stressful as others out there and our combined salaries leave us comfortably middle-class.
Oh, but the most extremely significant change that has happened to me is that in Nov. 2019 I started a groundbreaking, new, ultra-expensive drug for my disease that basically cured me (provided I take it every day). This drug has really upended my understanding of the world and my own body. Now that I have something to lose (a partner, my assets, and a body that actually feels next to NORMAL for the first time in my life) I'm suddenly scared of death. I had lived such an impulsive, ride-or-die lifestyle with no fear of death before all this so it's actually baffling to me.
It makes me wonder what all could now be possible in my new life that wasn't before. It also terrifies me that I'm now going to have to live through the side-effects of all the drugs & alcohol damage I've done to my body over the past 10 years trying to escape from stress and pain — but that's a problem for another day.
Anyways, back to kids. As a female who has had, like, 30 sexual partners over the years of course I've felt the short-lived, oxytocin-motivated desire for children at the beginning of certain relationships, and I sometimes joked about it with long-term partners, but given my body physiology, I never thought it could realistically happen.
The medication I am now on has helped all of my internal organs function better, including my reproductive organs. I stopped BC a couple of years ago because I thought it might be making me a little depressed, and my (now husband) was living overseas so I only saw him for a couple of weeks every few months, so it was worth seeing what would happen if I stopped. The good news is that I haven't felt depressed since stopping BC (which could be impacted by a number of life-factors but I'm not discounting its potential impact). I have, however, become bizarrely more emotional over the years Side note: I always selfishly assumed women were being over-the-top about menstrual pain and mood-swings, but boy was I wrong. I had been on BC since the age of 16, so I always had short, light periods and I rarely felt menstrual cramps (I also had chronic abdominal pain so maybe it just blended in) and I was very averse to showing emotions. I had to start a mood stabilizer after stopping BC because I didn't like not being in control of my emotions and the pain was very real. This past detail is just a tidbit of info for any men (or women) out there who don't understand the significance of PMS like I didn't for an entire decade.
Anyways, I've held this idea in my head for so long that I'm likely infertile, or that I take too many substances to ever be able to get pregnant/carry a baby to term, that once my husband moved in 2 years ago I didn't even decide to get back on BC. That being said, doctors warned me that I should consider getting back on BC after beginning this new medication, but I just thought, "I'm only able to get pregnant two days out of the month, and I'm likely infertile anyway, so why bother?" and deep down, I was simply curious to know if it was even possible so I took a laissez-faire approach to the subject and continued to live birth control-free. Plus my sex drive has steadily decreased since starting this mood stabilizer, and our combined laziness means that intimacy has become rarer than it ever has been in my entire life.
We discussed the idea of kids before I started this medication, but over the last years together we keep stating that we really enjoy the current life we have so why would we ruin it with children? I'm not sure how suited we'd be adapting to being parents. But I am a quick learner, and I think I could adapt faster than he could, and I think he would eventually become decent at the dad role — provided we properly manage stress and continue to work as a team (which actually sounds really difficult).
Having kids is also a shot in the dark, so many terrible things can happen. I'm absolutely terrified of the idea of childbirth, my pain tolerance — which used to be high as a result of coping with pain for my entire existence — has decreased tremendously and I've gone totally soft since my disease was "cured". I'd probably have to stop some of the pleasant psychiatric meds during pregnancy because they could be harmful to the fetus which would certainly bring back mood-swings. I'd probably become bitchy and controlling and more useless at my job and completing housework. Plus the fear of dying in childbirth is very real now — particularly given the high maternal mortality rate in the US, my pre-existing conditions, and my newfound fear of death. And these are just my pregnancy fears!
As long as the US govt continues to deprive US citizens of universal healthcare the cost of having a child is exorbitant (even WITH employer-sponsored benefits). If we somehow manage to pull through all that, the best scenario I see is our kid comes out as an extremely intelligent kid with Aspergers (runs in my family) or ADHD (my diagnosis) — which would make child-rearing difficult at best. Worst case scenario is obviously congenital defects or other illnesses. So it's really a gamble. Not to mention climate change and the imminent death of our planet, the social unrest in the US, the fast-paced evolution of technology (both a blessing and a curse), and the psychological impact it has on many people (particularly children and teens). In all, the financial and psychological impact of bringing a kid into this world seems so dreadful.
Still, as an ENTP I obviously have FOMO (fear of missing out), which was also what lead to my impulsive/risky ride-or-die lifestyle in the past. I tried my best to do everything I could ever want to do before the age of 25 out of my assumption I'd die young. I've traveled all over the world, I've tried almost every drug out there, I've had numerous friendships and relationships, I throw awesome parties, been to EDM concerts all over the world, I got a solid job, I graduated college, got married, bought a house, I've even been on a reality TV show episode, it really seems like the only thing I haven't done yet (outside of advancing my career to a hypothetical "dream job") is becoming a parent. But kids aren't a temporary experience, they're for life. Having a kid is the biggest commitment you could ever take on, and as you know as ENTPs — commitment isn't exactly our strong suit. I'm a quick learner though, I think I could become a decent mother over time. Not a "great" parent but a decent one — the question is how enjoyable would it be? If our kid turns out like me it'd be intelligent with the potential to do well in school, but hyperactive and difficult to motivate academically, then later in life, it would become an impulsive teenager with a disdain for their parents, a hatred towards authoritative figures, and could dislike many of the other people they meet. If it turns like my husband, it'd be quiet and shy and extremely intelligent but would possess extreme apathy towards school and close relationships, which would make connecting with them difficult.
There are many people who decided to have kids and they have great lives, there are many people who have kids and love their life, and then there are people who had kids and regret it every day — I'm worried this is the category we could fall into.
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So I'd like to ask you all, particularly the females out there, what about being an ENTP makes us good parents and what makes us bad ones? What would the parental dynamics between a textbook ENTP-A female and a textbook INTJ-T male look like (particularly given my personal life story)? If you have kids, do you know (or can you guess) what their MBTI type is? I assume that would have an extreme impact on my relationship with the kid.
Anyway, my motivation for this extremely lengthy question/diary entry is... my period (which is relatively regular) is something like 3.5 weeks late. So the concept has become more pressing in my mind.
Real bad timing because I just booked my dream cruise around New Zealand (a late honeymoon gift to ourselves) for December of this year so if I were pregnant there's a strong possibility that I might discontinue the process. Not for the sole purpose of vacationing, there are many benefits in delaying pregnancy until you're absolutely positive you want a kid, that being said I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% positive either way. If I discontinued it, then I'd at least be happy to know I am actually fertile and could possibly have a child in the future if I really wanted one.
Also, is it bad that I really only want one kid and I want it to be male? I really really don't want to raise a female — especially given the mood-disorders that run in the female side of my family, my inability to connect with females in general, and how difficult being a female in this world is. I feel like a total dick admitting that though.
I look forward to hearing everyone's answers, advice, and opinions the ENTP community is the most helpful community on Reddit IMO when compared to other subreddits given our objective evaluation skills, a tendency towards sharing solid & sometimes unsolicited advice, and my relatability to the community in general. People on other subreddits don't seem to like my way of thinking or writing, but ENTPs understand.