Hello everyone!
To repeat what the title said, (and get the full prompt, since it wouldn’t quite fit), two years ago I responded to this prompt:
[WP] You're a powerful dragon that lived next to a small kingdom. For centuries you ignored humanity and lived alone in a cave, and the humans also avoided you. As the kingdom fell to invaders, a dying soldier approaches you with the infant princess, begging you to take care of her
Well, I took that idea and decided the “invaders” weren’t of the “Across the mountain” kind and instead were the “from another world time,” and thus was born The Dragon’s Scion, a trilogy of books dealing with the the dragon-raised and empowered princess’s war against the alien invaders. Book one, Dragonflame, is out now, with more to follow in the coming months! Read the blurb below!
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Tythel thought growing up under the wings of the last dragon, Karjon the Magnificent, would be the most unusual part of her life. It was only the beginning.
Finally, she’s come of age to begin her transformation into a half dragon. But just as the ritual completes, a steel ship bursts from the clouds, killing the dragon and tearing her world asunder.
The attack leaves Tythel alone and on the run from the alien invaders. The same ones that conquered her world and killed her parents sixteen years ago. The rightful heir to the throne and the last draconic being, Tythel must use every tool at her disposal to survive and teach the aliens a lesson forged in flame.
They should have let sleeping dragons lie.
Dragonflame is an epic science-fantasy adventure.
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FAQ
Audiobook/Print Copy?
Print Copy is coming soon. For audiobook, nothing yet announced, but I’ll update if there is one!
Is this science fiction or fantasy?
Both, but in a different direction. Most science fantasy deals with science fiction tech and space wizards, and while I love me my space wizards, this goes the other way - the technology is powered by magic, the aliens use their own magic that isn’t just Sufficiently Advanced Technology, and the entire story takes place on a single fantasy world that the aliens invaded.
Length?
Dragonflame clocks in at just about 95k words, which makes it about 300 pages in print.
Elves and Dwarves?
Not exactly. There are the Sylvani and the Underfolk. Sylvani are woods-dwelling people, but they also have the ability to alter their skin appearance and texture and have mysterious origins, and the Underfolk don’t appear in book 1 but will in book 2, and they share “lives underground” with dwarves but take it in a vastly different direction.
I read this on your subreddit, what’s different?
In addition to a completely new introduction/prologue, I’ve applied many of the lessons I’ve learned writing Dragon’s Scion and other books over the last two years, and the prose is cleaner and better fleshed out, as well as some minor changes to fix early installment weirdness.
Age range?
The Dragon’s Scion deals with mature themes and has some racy jokes, but also has no real-world swears, no sex, and injuries are not described in overly-graphic detail. It’s PG-13 in movie land, and acceptable for ages 14+.
Sequels?
This book is part of a trilogy, and I'm looking to have book 2 - Ghostflame - out in mid Feb, early march.
Purge the xeno!
Not a question and not quite the right tone, but I like the enthusiasm. You can pick it up here!
Amazon US Link - UK | CA | AU | DE | MX | JP | IN | BR | FR | ES | IT | NL
I want to sample before I pick up?
Well, good news for you - Check out the first two chapters below!

Prologue

On the path between a dying city and a mountain, a dying guardsman rode with a precious bundle in his arms. This was not the first horse the guardsman had ridden since leaving the city. The others had perished on the journey. He hadn’t even purchased this horse. Having long ago discarded his tabard and armor, this guardsman wore thick furs to keep out the bitter cold. Between that and the wild look in his eyes, he looked less like a guardsman and more like a bandit. It was fitting, in a way, that the third and final horse he rode was stolen.
His name was Comber, and he had been part of the troop assigned to protect the royal family against all threats. For ten years he had stood his post, alongside the royal family’s Umbrists. Comber didn’t have the Shadow-infused powers of the Umbrist. He had armor that had been forged with steel mixed with light, and a sword that had been blessed millennia ago with a dragon’s breath.
That was in the past.
He had a vow to protect the royal family against any and all threats. He’d fought when the minions of a necromancer had snuck in through the sewers. He still had a scar on his thigh from an assassin’s crossbow bolt meant for the King. He was not a coward, and he had thought himself beyond fear.
That was also in the past.
Comber looked over his shoulder. His pursuers weren’t there. He was alone here. There was nothing but a path through the woods, a path that had been cleared by game hunters who would head this way. It took a bold man to hunt in these woods, given what guarded them. The same being that drew Comber deeper within. His last hope for salvation.
The skies darkened, and Comber risked a glance upwards. There it was. That hole in the sky. The sun had passed behind it, casting a momentary shadow across the world. It was like the eclipse Comber remembered from when he was a child, but there was still light coming from the center. Small points showing stars unlike any he had seen before.
A few tiny dots broke off from the main circle. Comber shuddered at the sight. He’d seen what those dots could do when they got lower.
The bundle in his arms stirred when he shivered again, and looked up at him with bright green eyes. Awake now, the child’s face was placid for just a moment, those beautiful eyes flickering about. Then hunger set in, and the child started to wail.
“Shhh, little one,” Comber whispered, stroking the side of the child’s face. “Shhh.”
Still the child cried. She was just old enough to eat mashed food. Comber grimaced and looked around again. There was no one present. “Shhh,” Comber said, pulling on the reins of the horse. He reached into his pack. He still had some berries from the last town, and got to work mashing them into a paste with a mortar and pestle. At her age, the child had just enough understanding of what that smell and sound meant, and her cries turned to excited cooing as she reached towards his hands. “Almost there, little one,” Comber said. Or at least, he started to say. Halfway through the wound in his side reminded him of why he’d abandoned his sword, and Comber hissed in pain. Even the simple motion of grinding berries was too much for him.
He set the mortar down carefully. He hadn’t been able to get a spoon in his mad flight. The child was able to suckle the paste off his finger, and that would have to be good enough. Once she’d been fed, Comber held her with one hand and pulled the other inside his coat. He ran his fingers over the hasty bandage. It was damp. He wanted to look at the injury, but didn’t dare. He knew what he’d find. Black veins sprawling outwards from under the bandage, creeping along his skin. Last night, the veins had been halfway to his chest. Soon they would reach his heart.
He’d die then. Comber didn’t need to be a Physician to know that.
The child reached up and grabbed for his nose with hands wrapped in mittens. Comber let her grab it, then pressed his forehead to hers. “Soon, you’ll be safe,” Comber whispered to her.
Then it was time to transition the child to the straps wrapped around his chest, freeing his hands, and Comber resumed his ride to the mountain.
***
The horse - Comber had never bothered giving it a name - came to a stop, and the jolt rocked Comber awake. He blinked around blearily. He’d fallen asleep in the saddle somehow. Everything felt like it had been coated in a layer of wool. Comber worked one of his hands free of the glove and pressed it against his forehead. In spite of the cold, heat radiated from the touch. “Fever,” he muttered to the child.
“Bah-bah-bah-bah,” she said, which Comber took as affirmation. He smiled down at her, then looked around again. They’d reached the mountain.
“We go no further together,” he said to the horse. Comber had never been one to speak to his mounts, aside from commands. He preferred to make noises at them, reassuring ones. But in the grip of fever, Comber felt irrationally sorry for abandoning an animal he’d only had for a day. A stolen one, at that. “You’ll be able to find your way back to town, won’t you? Or maybe you’ll be able to run free now, without the need...the need…” Comber trailed off. What had he been doing? Talking to a horse, that’s what.
They were close to the base of the mountain, but not quite there. He could see it. Perhaps he could ride the horse a little bit further? He dug his heels in. The horse let out a huff of air and shook its head, instead backing up a few paces. “Of course,” Comber said, shaking his head. “Of course. A horse. A horse of course.” He laughed a bit. It wasn’t funny, but the child joined in the laughter. He patted the side of the horse’s neck again. “You smell it, don’t you?”
The horse shook its head violently and took another step back. That was all the confirmation Comber needed. The horse would go no further. “You know,” Comber said, getting ready to dismount. “I should have known. They eat you, don’t they?”
The horse did not respond this time, for it was a horse, and all it cared about was that it didn’t need to go any further.
Comber got one foot out of the stirrup, but the world started to spin. Instead of dismounting gracefully, Comber swung drunkenly, and collapsed into the snow. He had just enough presence of mind to turn around as he fell, landing on his back to keep the child safe. Comber growled in pain as the impact lanced through his back. The shock did wonders for clearing his head. The child, jostled by the fall, poked her head up and giggled.
“That’s right,” Comber grunted. “I’m silly, aren’t I?”
The child reached up for him, grasping for him. Comber put his finger out for her to hold onto.
He’d abandoned his station, and he knew he should feel guilty about that, but…the beings that had come from that hole in the sky were beyond anything that could be fought. Arrows bounced off their gleaming carapace. Swords were deflected with swipes from their unnatural hands. He had a duty, and he could only save one person.
He’d chosen her.
Comber rose to his feet and turned the horse around. It only took a nudge to get the horse trotting away from the mountain.
It would live. The child would live. That would have to be enough.
Comber made himself walk towards the mountain. Every footstep was like lead. He spotted a trail in the snow - someone else had come this way and left. They were human, or at least walked like one. It could be an Underfolk or Sylvani. It wasn’t the invaders. That much was certain. No one could mistake their skittering legs for human footsteps.
The mountain, at least, was free of snow. Impossibly free, and impossibly warm. A fire burned in the heart of this mountain. Not the molten fire of a volcano. A living flame. A hungering flame.
Had the fever started sooner than Comber realized? He’d been so certain of this plan. He’d heard tales of the flame that lived in this mountain. The tales had made it out to be one of the ones that did not feast on the flesh of Man or the other Intelligent Races. They said it had stood alongside the forces of the Light and Shadow against dread powers in the past. They said it was not to be disturbed, but would not slay - except for those that came to attack it.
But still...could he trust it?
It was too late now. There was nowhere else he was certain would be safe for the child. Not with that locket, secured carefully in a pouch in the swaddling. Even without it...would anywhere be safe from the invaders? Would anything? They hadn’t been killing innocents. They’d killed armies, they’d slaughtered guards, but any who did not pick up blade or spear against them was spared their wrath. Yet...Comber didn’t trust them to stop there. It was possible - nay, it seemed likely - that they were just starting with those that posed a threat to them.
“Not that we did,” he said to the child, who paused in her attempts to gum his finger to look up at him. “I hope, if you remember nothing else, you remember that we tried. We tried.”
“Burrrbl,” the child said happily.
“We tried,” Comber repeated. And they had. Nicandros, the captain of the royal guard, had commanded them perfectly. However, no strategy could overcome the fact that their weapons did no harm to the invaders. That was when Comber realized the only option was saving what he could. That there would be no victory here. Still, Comber had fought, until his wound. Then...he’d been even more useless in battle.
Time became unstable. Comber kept walking up the warm mountain and its bare stones. It was a gentle slope, which was the only reason he could progress at all. Ahead, he saw his goal.
A hole, high up the mountain. One far larger than would be needed for a man to pass through, and one too smooth and round to be the result of nature. This was not a cave. It was a lair.
Comber stumbled and dropped to his knees. The child started to wail again, startled by the jostling. Comber tried to shush its cries, but he was too late. Something was stirring in the lair, dragging itself forth from the depths. Comber saw golden eyes peering out of the darkness, followed by red scales and immense, bat-like wings.
Comber had never seen a dragon in person. Only flying overhead, and even then, such sights were rare. He’d expected them to crawl across a ground, like a lizard, but this one slunk with a cat’s grace. An older cat, one that was past its prime hunting days, but still possessing enough energy to move about. The dragon flapped its wings and took to the air, circling around Comber once before landing.
“I told Lathariel I would not be disturbed,” the dragon growled, and Comber was certain he’d made a mistake. Tears started to form in his eyes, unbidden.
“Please…” Comber said, but the dragon shook its head.
“I will not fight.” The dragon looked up, seeing the hole in the sky, and its nostrils flared. For a moment, Comber could see it considering...then it shook its head again. “I will not fight,” it repeated. “Leave this threat for younger drakes. Ones that have hotter flames.”
“Please…” Comber said again, then coughed. Flecks of something black came with the cough, and Comber moved with speed he didn’t know he still had, pulling the child free of the path of whatever those were. He groaned in pain and nearly blacked out.
“You are injured,” the dragon said, leaning down. “And you are ill.”
Comber nodded.
“I can heal your injuries,” the dragon said, after considering for a moment. “But my flames will make the disease spread quicker.”
“Not...me.” Comber coughed again. “Her.”
The dragon looked at the child. “She’s uninjured,” he said.
“Care...protect.” Comber’s vision grew dark. “She...she...is.” Comber’s vision narrowed. “She is...everything....” The dragon was barely visible now. The world was barely visible. The child stirred, looking from the dragon to Comber and back again, starting to make distressed noises. She didn’t fear the dragon. That was good. But she could tell something was wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Comber said to the child. He looked back up at the dragon. His vision was barely there anymore. He’d gone so far. It felt like part of his mind had been set on fire, to hold back death, and now that he was here, that flame had gone out. “Tell her…” Comber said, and then he started to cough again. “She is…”
“What should I tell her she is?” the dragon asked, after Comber had been silent for too long. When he got no response, the dragon Karjon leaned down. The man’s heartbeat had been so faint when he’d approached, Karjon could barely hear it. Now, though? Now there was nothing.
And the child started to cry.
Karjon looked at it. He’d never dealt with human children before. He knew they needed more comfort than hatchlings. Uncertain, Karjon reached out with one claw and retracted his talon, then brushed his scales on the child’s cheek.
Quick as a viper, the child grabbed Karjon’s finger tightly, trying to seek some comfort in a world that had abandoned her.
Karjon sighed. He had not had children of his own. He hadn’t planned on doing so. But...if nothing else, he could not leave this child to starve on his mountain. He carefully bit on the swaddling, making certain to only let his fangs touch the fabric.
Once these invaders had been dealt with, Karjon would take the child to the nearest humans. They would know how to handle her. He’d keep her safe until then. It shouldn’t be long. There had been many threats over his nine hundred years of life. They’d always been defeated.
There was no reason to believe this would be any different.

Chapter 1

“I have lived for centuries,” Karjon growled. “I dueled the Necromancer Gix and his army of undead. I was on the Council of Twelve, battling the Lichborne. When the mad Lumcaster sought to blind the world, I doused him in my flames. How is it that nothing has vexed me as much as you, little one?”
Tythel looked up at the dragon with eyes wide in feigned innocence. Sixteen years had passed since the mountain and the snow. She didn’t remember it, of course. Just as she did not remember what her name had been before coming here. Tythel was a dragon’s name, not a human name. For all Karjon’s bluster, she was not worried. In sixteen years, Karjon had never raised a claw in anger. “Father, have you considered that it is just because you love me so dearly?”
Karjon huffed and shook his head. “That cannot be it. I think it must be because I did not know how vexing your unique subspecies of humans can be.”
“Subspecies?” Tythel asked.
“Yes. Those strange beings humans call ‘adolescents.’ Or perhaps it is just a trait unique to daughters.”
Tythel beamed at him. The expression only came through with her eyes. In her books, humans would use their mouths to do things like smile and frown. Tythel understood, in theory, what those were, but the expressions didn’t come to her naturally. From what Karjon had said, she’d smiled and frowned at first...but with time, those had stopped. Now, she blinked rapidly to show her excitement. “Which would only matter because you love me. Therefore, I am still correct. And, since I am correct, I see no reason I should not be allowed to go.”
Karjon sighed heavily. “Tythel…”
“You said I could,” Tythel reminded him, trying her best not to sound sullen.
“I told you that, yes,” Karjon said. “I said you could go when it was safe.”
“I want to see other humans,” Tythel said. “Why can’t I go?”
Karjon sighed again, a sound that filled the entire cave that was his lair and their home. “When, exactly, did ‘because I said so’ become insufficient?”
“When I stopped being a child,” Tythel said. “You said when I was sixteen, I could go and see other humans.”
“I said that you could go into the village when you were sixteen, Tythel. I did not say you could do so the very next day.” Making that promise, back when she was nine, had been a mistake. He’d done it to get her to cease her incessant questions. He didn’t think humans of that age could remember things for so long.
“You’re splitting scales and you know it.” She folded her arms across her chest and glowered at him.
Karjon, who weighed in at just over six tons and had battled some of the greatest foes the world had ever seen, broke the staring contest first. Tythel tried not to blink when she realized that meant she was getting through to him. For all his fury and might, Karjon had always struggled to deny her anything. Still, he was not caving like he usually did. “Tythel, there are reasons for the choices I make. They are for your safety.”
“You always hide behind that, father. Are you planning on keeping me here the rest of my life? What are you hiding me from?”
“There are those out there that would see you dead. Is that not enough explanation?”
She glowered at him again. “You know I can’t do anything if you don’t tell me. But if you want me to leave it alone, you’ll need to give me more than that.” Her expression softened. “Please, father.”
Karjon settled down onto the pile of coins that made his seat. Tythel took the cue and walked over to her own, smaller pile. She didn’t have a hoard of her own. Not yet. But she would one day, although she was less than eager for that day. Dragons did not share a hoard. She’d have to leave that day, never to live here again.
“Perhaps…” Karjon started to say, then held up a claw to forestall her before she got too excited. “It is time you know of the dangers beyond this lair. Why I keep you hidden here. And tomorrow…” he studied her critically for a moment, then nodded. “You are old enough.”
“To go visit?” Tythel asked hopefully.
“Not yet,” Karjon said, shaking his head. “But tomorrow, I think you are ready for the one thing I know you want more than to leave.”
Tythel sat up straighter, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “You mean...you’ll finish the adoption?”
Karjon nodded, and Tythel leapt up to run over and wrap her arms around her father’s neck. “Thank you thank you thank you!” There were tears forming in her eyes, a human reaction she hadn’t shed with age, but these were tears of joy and not sadness.
“It’s past time,” Karjon said. “I just worried about how your body would react to the transformation.”
“I know,” Tythel said, although deep in her heart, she’d worried that he wouldn’t do it. That she wasn’t good enough. She’d never told Karjon that. If it wasn’t true, it would have broken his heart. If it was true...she couldn’t have handled that. Now, though, she was practically vibrating with anticipation.
Karjon put one of his claws around her, in his version of a hug. From what he’d said, dragons did not engage in touch the way humans did, but one of his books had told him a lack of touch and affection could kill human infants. Deep down, Tythel suspected he had grown to like it himself. “Now. Will you listen, and will you wait?”
Tythel nodded firmly.
“Then do so,” Karjon said, and Tythel settled back onto her coins. “Sixteen years ago, just days before you were brought to me...the skies let loose monsters.”
“Monsters?” Tythel asked.
Karjon nodded. “I do not know if they have a name. I know what Lathariel told me they were being called ‘Those From Above.’ They had weapons that sucked in light and spewed forth their own unnatural energy. Unlight, she called it.”
“And you fought them?” Tythel asked, excitedly.
Karjon shook his head, and in his eyes Tythel could see sorrow she’d never imagined from her father. “I am old,” Karjon said. “I thought they could be defeated without me. Even when I was told dragonflame was all that would harm them...I still thought they could be defeated. There were other dragons. By the time I realized...it was too late. Those From Above had secured power over humanity. They rule down there now. As far as I know, they only fear dragonflame.”
Tythel held up a hand and focused. A ball of flame formed between her fingers. “They fear this?” she asked. Dragonflame was similar to normal fire, but more vibrant. The transition from white to yellow to orange to red that happened in a normal flame was marked by clearer lines. Hers was weak. Not close to the true power of a dragon. She could barely call upon it, and couldn’t even touch the greater fires of ghostflame or heartflame. But it was not nothing.
“Yes,” Karjon said, and there was a somber note to his voice that Tythel couldn’t ignore. “By healing you when you injured yourself...you already formed the gift. They will hunt you. For that and...for other reasons.”
“What other reasons?”
Karjon shook his head. “Not yet. There is much I have kept from you. You are old enough now, but...before that there’s something you need to understand.” He put one claw carefully on her knee. “Tythel...tomorrow, after the Ascension, the number of dragons in the world will go from one to two.”
Tythel stared at her father for a long moment, processing his words. She’d never met another dragon, but the idea there had been other dragons out there...she’d just assumed it. Realizing they’d been hunted down, there was only one thing to do.
She hugged Karjon again, and her father hugged her back. They sat there for a moment, before both of them could steady themselves enough to speak. “Tythel,” Karjon said. “I…have kept something else from you.”
“It’s so much,” Tythel whispered.
Karjon cocked his head. “Do you need time before the rest?”
Tythel considered for a moment, then shook her head. “A scholar’s first duty is to acquire all information before passing judgement,” Tythel said, repeating one of her father’s lessons back to him.
Karjon gave her a slow blink of amusement. “You listen too well sometimes. Very well. Your locket.”
Tythel’s hands went up to the chain around her neck. She’d worn it as long as she could remember. It was the one piece of her own hoard she had. “You said it was my parents.”
Karjon nodded. “That locket is the other reason you will be hunted. It is the locket of the royal family.”
There was a moment of silence as Tythel stared at her father. “The…the royal family. But they…I mean…that’s…” Tythel sputtered off into silence. She couldn’t say it. “I’m…”
Karjon nodded, the motion oddly gentle. “You are the heir to the throne of your family. The throne of the kingdom of Dretayne. You are the next queen of this realm. And for that, you will be hunted as one of the barriers to the rule of Those from Above.”
Tythel took a deep, ragged breath, then nodded slowly. She couldn’t think about it right now. She could barely understand it. So she fell back on the lessons of her childhood. A scholar's first duty. “Tell me everything.”
***
Tythel did not sleep well that night. She tried to, doing every meditation technique Karjon had taught her over the years, but she spent the entire night tossing and turning. The bed she slept on was one Karjon had gotten as a trophy from the Underfolk, those strange underground folk that were in Karjon’s stories, and it had been perfect for her when she was a child. But for the last two years, she’d been forced to scrunch up on it, leading to the impression the Underfolk were likely quite small.
In truth, Tythel was taller than most humans. Sixteen years of eating a diet of meat cooked in dragonflame and lifting and moving gold on a regular basis had left her with a build that was less princess and more warrior, but since the only humans she’d seen had been in her imagination, she’d had no idea how imposing a figure she could cut when she wasn’t comparing herself to a dragon.
She’d never complained to Karjon about the small bed. Other things, sure, but never that – or any of the other things he’d provided to her over the years. Tythel had known how lucky she’d been to have a dragon for a father. Karjon’s stories were full of tales of the legendary heroes of the past, Calcon the Brave and Rilan the Just and Brigith the Nobel and all the rest of them. All of them had started their lives as humble folk that had heeded the Call, which meant their lives had been the humdrum work of farmers and blacksmiths and other folk, and the stories all made that life out to be terribly dull.
She’d always imagined Karjon had rescued her from that sort of suffering.
Now she knew differently. She would have been a princess, daughter to a king and queen, living a life of luxury and wealth and, if the legends were any indication, would have either ended up spoiled rotten or kidnapped by someone to later be rescued. Other than that her life would have been one of formality and circumstance until she was married off to secure an alliance or to whoever had been strong enough to save her, regardless of their other qualities.
Tythel decided that, small bed aside, she still felt lucky to have been raised by Karjon. That feeling was quickly followed by shame at even considering an alternative.
She got out of bed and pulled her blankets and pillows to the floor, arranging them in a pile like the gold Karjon slept on. It wasn’t as comfortable as the bed, but it did allow her to stretch out, and that was preferable to being cramped into the bed at the moment.
The problem was, it wasn’t the bed keeping her up tonight. It was her mind.
Tythel had been on top of the mountain a few times every year, under Karjon’s careful eye. He had explained that if she didn’t get to see the sky every now and then, she’d probably go mad. The village had always fascinated her, and her entire life she’d wanted to go there, just for a day, to explore and celebrate. She wanted to see horses and soldiers and blacksmiths and maybe even a lumcaster if she was really lucky. Karjon had taught her some magic, the barest flicker of dragonflame, but it was not magic meant for humans.
Of course, that would change tomorrow. Well, her being human – she didn’t know if she’d gain any proficiency with her meager powers in the process. She’d have Karjon’s power running through her veins, becoming half dragon and half human. For most of her life, it had been the one thing she’d wanted more than going to the village.
The village. She turned over again.
From the mountain, it had been hard to make out details. She’d filled in those details in her head with ones stolen from her stories – thatched roofs covering star-crossed lovers, barns harboring hard working folk with wisdom gained from years of honest toil, scholars in cramped quarters trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe, chimneys smoking with fires that were roasting chickens or beef. Never in her life had she imagined the people out there were being subjected to tyrants that had more power than she could imagine. Never, not once, had she imagined that she was their ruler by a mere quirk of birth.
That thought got her turning again. Karjon’s stories had talked about something called “noblesse oblige,” the responsibilities that the nobility had to their people. Protect them, help them, guide them, and care for them. If she was a noble – a royal – didn’t the same thing apply to her?
Stop it, Tythel. Stop it.
But the thought wouldn’t go away. If she stayed here with Karjon, she was failing in her responsibility. The sixteen years leading up to this had not been her fault; she hadn’t known she had duties. After a moment of reflection, she decided they weren’t Karjon’s fault either. They were the fault of the mysterious Those from Above. Now that she knew, however…well, Karjon had always taught her that inaction was still a choice, the choice to do nothing.
Tomorrow, then, after the Ritual. She’d leave, no matter what. And if Karjon tried to stop her…well, then she’d have to do it alone.
And that thought, more than any other, caused Tythel to burrow as deeply as she could into the blankets before sleep finally claimed her.
---
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Two-By-Two, Eyes-Of-Blue: Uncovering The Conspiracy And Future Expansions of 2077 - An Analysis of The Conspiracy, Clues, and Theories to the Future

I think we're all aware by now of the conspiracy that's building in the background of 2077. Most of us know about the mysterious Blue Eyes who appears in The Sun ending to the game. He operates as The Stinger of sorts for (that) ending of the game; He and V discuss a job vaguely alluded to through out the ending sequence and then the ending cuts to V in space charging off towards The Crystal Palace. Cue DLC Hook and credits.
But, let's go back here. This is only the tail end of the conspiracy and where it actually intersects with V's story. Blue Eyes (and some connections to him) crop up multiple times through out the game and, when pieced together, start building a larger picture that runs deeper into Night City than the pockets of most corporats.
I've finished my second playthrough of the game and I've been drafting this post as I play and find more clues. I doubt I'll find everything or might completely dismiss some, but I want to be on the front lines of uncovering this mystery, especially if this will be our Gaunter O'Dim for Cyberpunk 2077. I apologize for the length of this post ahead of time, but I need to summarize a bunch of lore and at least 4 major side-quests; "I Fought The Law", "Dream On", "Full Disclosure", and "The Prophet's Song".
Here's a long essay incoming, but I hope you chooms enjoy and I hope you read through to the end because, oh boy, I uncovered some cool shit!
So, who is Blue Eyes? Who are his contacts? What is his role in the ecosystem of this city?
"I FOUGHT THE LAW"
Let's start with where he most appears in the game; Jefferson and Elizabeth Peralez, political family in the running for Night City's first family. Which I kinda have to summarize their questlines, including the first one which Blue Eyes never appears in. But I'd prefer to go in chronological order and not jump around, so stick with me.
Elizabeth first contacts you for the job "I Fought The Law". It's fairly basic, but the quest tells us she convinced her husband to hire V to look into the recent death of Mayor Rhyne. We get a BD of a cyberpsycho attack by Peter Horvath on Mayor Rhyne. Weldon Holt leaves the room before the attack and then the security gate crashes right before Peter walks in with billions of eddies worth of chrome. The attack is unsuccessful and stopped by Detective River Ward, who was only there because Peter went missing internally at the NCPD and he knew where Peter would go.
When investigating Peter Horvath, his previous boss describes him as paranoid that "probably thought Mayor Rhyne talked to him through the TV" and that the world was out to fuck him. She then mentions that someone "finally saw what he was worth" which cues into how Peter was thrown into this attack in the first place; he had a patron who funded his chrome and the attempt on Rhyne's life. Tellingly, River than goes into a little talk about how clues rarely make sense until put into the larger context, much like we're doing right now.
V goes to the club Rhyne died in; The Red Queen's Race. V sneaks through, takes out some Animals, and can investigate what actually happened to Rhyne. If we read the emails on the office terminal, we know that Weldon Holt arranged for Rhyne to be there. He initially mentioned this to Rhyne during the first BD; Rhyne asked Holt directly to arrange his usual room at the club. So, this doesn't inherently look too suspicious on it's own, but Holt knew where Rhyne would be. We also find out via the Animals Boss there that Weldon Holt is the one who hired them to smash up the club and they're currently waiting around for payment. Further, you can go to the room Rhyne died in, find the BD headset, and put it on... which INSTANTLY knocks V out and they need to be rescued by River (who, btw, takes out any Animals on the property you didn't get to! Ty bro!). They surmise that Rhyne was killed by a virus in the headset. Lastly, we find footage of Detective Han (River's partner) covering up the death of Rhyne. They confront Han, V goes off to the Peralezs, and quest ends.
Of note, finding the BD set is a hidden dialogue option with the Peralezes suggesting, yes, that's the correct deduction to make. You don't get that option otherwise. And V never actually comes to any real conclusion to what happened to Rhyne.
So, let's summarize what we know about the death of our Mayor. Peter Horvath was hired by an unknown Patron who spent a ton of money to turn him into a suicide bomb against Rhyne. They have connections internally to the corrupt NCPD which allowed Horvath to get access to Rhyne, both from escaping NCPD custody and for the security to give him access to Rhyne's conference room. That fails so our mastermind instead assassinates Rhyne at his usual sex club, one that we know for sure Holt knew about. Rhyne is assassinated via malware in a BD porno headset, NCPD comes in an Detective Han cleans it up. Later, Holt hires the Animals to take claim to the club and fuck it up.
Holt is looking suspicious AF rn, but we also don't have any direct evidence and V says as much if you accuse him. Personally, I think it's a little too clumsy if it's him. Holt leaves the room just as an assassination attempt goes down, sets up a sex club appointment for the Mayor where he's successfully assassinated, NCPD covers it up... and then he hires a gang to cover it up more? Something doesn't fit here.
My theory is Holt is innocent. He's a scum bag, but not the culprit here. Why would you EVER give your identity to the Animals you hired to cover up an assassination? The big dumb brutes of the underworld? A name they give up with almost no fight? No, I think someone hired them under Holt's name. And I think they hired them because they KNEW the BD Headset was left behind; Han dismissed it entirely as Rhyne dying of a heart attack brought on during sex. They needed that destroyed to cover the final footprints. It's the only piece of evidence that doesn't have Holt or NCPD's name on it and doesn't fit the narrative that both are pushing. If they're covering NCPD or Holt's tracks, why not delete the emails or footage of Han? And if Holt or Han were trying to push this false narrative, why leave the headset right there the first time?
And, while I have no evidence of this assertion, the Animals are only still there because they're waiting for payment to come in... I think our employer never intended to pay them and left them in the path of V, who is likely to shoot them and tie up the loose end for our mysterious entity. Animals destroy the BD set, V shoots the animals, no trace. And, even if he doesn't, Animals will point V to the wrong person.
No, we've got a third party here. But let's continue so we can finally let our lead actor take center stage.
"DREAM ON"
"Dream On" starts when Jefferson calls V and asks them to help in another case. Long and Short; Jefferson woke up in the night and found a man in a mask (or an implant) standing over him. Jefferson shot the man, only for his head to fry and knock him out. Coming to, he's back in bed with no evidence it ever happened. SSI, their private security, insists that there was nothing on the cameras, no evidence, and nothing happened. Elizabeth claims she slept through the whole thing event.
V investigates the apartment, with Elizabeth giving the tour, and finds a lot of evidence. Elizabeth is kinda dismissive at first thinking V won't find much. First small stuff leading into larger reveals. Let's start small and work our way up.
First room Liz takes us to is the campaign room. She talks about running the campaign entirely out of pocket and having to keep most of their supplies at the Penthouse; "It's cheaper that way". You find a picture of their daughter on the wall and Liz explains that she's off at university in Europe while Jefferson is running for office; "It's easier that way" she says. That phrasing again.
EDIT: A redditor in the comments pointed out that the Peralez are being controlled via drugs in their food as part of the tech. They mention they've been eating fast food lately, explaining why Jefferson was lucid enough to catch the agent and shoot him.
V can look at Jefferson's emails (which Liz slightly discourages them, saying there's nothing there) which reveals a bit more about their campaign. There's a video of the iconic commercial and poster of Jefferson pulling out a gun and shooting a bunch of paperwork. In the email, Jefferson HATES this commercial, but his assistant, Lea Patel, insists on it as it will air in television time slots with action-drama series and catch the attention of voters. Further emails have Eric Boucher, Jefferson's Campaign Partner (Manager?), saying Jefferson has been acting unpredictably lately; presumably referencing one of the next emails. Boucher is confused because they fired Lea Patel together, only for her to continue working and sent him a new ad for approval. When emailed, Jefferson is confused about Lea being fired at all and doesn't remember the event ever happening, even telling Boucher to be honest if he has some issue with her. A final email is from SSI Chief of Security, Wallace, discussing Jefferson's intent to hire a merc to look into Rhyne's death ("Dream On") and they suggest Jefferson drop it or have NCPD or themselves look into it. Private Security just... offering to investigate the former mayor's death? Huh... sounds more like they want to squash the issue to me.
We should now talk about the Peralez's campaign. As you explore the apartment, Liz explains that they're running on a corp free campaign; they want to get Night City out of the control of the corps and do so without ever owing any favors to them. She specifically cites "Night Corp, Militech, and Petrochem" as ones they've denied. Militech and Petrochem come up a few times in other quests but Night Corp is relatively obscure. And they choose that corp to be the first one she mentions? Stands out to me. It also isn't lost on me that we're talking about running a campaign out of pocket and refusing corp assistance... while walking on the fancy ass balcony of a penthouse in Charter Hill- North Oak.
Next room, we find Jefferson's office. Elizabeth and Jefferson both graduated with law degrees from Asukaga University in Berkley. V points out it would be extremely expensive for them both, but Elizabeth says that both got full ride scholarships from the Richard Night Foundation, run by Night Corp. To further fucking cement this moment, there's a Richard Night biography shard on the desk. But we'll drop this for now because I want to get to Night Corp a bit later.
The computer on the office desk has some emails on it sent by Elizabeth. One is between her and Judy where she's asking Judy for help on the original "I Fought The Law" quest and Judy is the one who gave her your contact in the first place. Another is from their daughter kinda asserting the same thing earlier; safer for her in Europe so she's not a target on the campaign trail. And here's the interesting one; Boucher emailed Elizabeth asking why Jefferson changed his mind on Lea Patel. Elizabth says Jefferson explained it to her that it "slipped his mind" and "circumstances changed in Lea's favor" and she asks him to drop the whole thing. She's dismissive and gives extremely vague details.
Next room, Bedroom. Elziabeth's gun is on the table. It's the one Jefferson claimed he fired and scanning it tells us that it has been fired recently. We also find the wedding photo of Jefferson and Elizabeth where she fondly talks about having blue roses because she loves them so much... except the photo's roses are red and V says as much. Elizabeth quietly corrects herself that they only had red roses instead and moves on.
In the hall, we find the blood trail and gun shots in the wall; both covered up hastily. Following the trail, we enter a tv room. The Smart Glass isn't working and Elizabeth says it stopped working recently; not like they use it much anyway. Passing a Tech Check lets us try and fix it... only to be quickly blacked out by it so hard Johnny felt it too. V asks Elizabeth about it but she doesn't know what V is talking about despite having been standing right there. We also find a hidden door in the wall. Unlike earlier, Liz is actually confused by the door but demands V try and open it.
Downstairs we have the security room. Liz says that it used to be her place but "Security had to set up somewhere" and that she had to make sacrifices for this campaign; "it wasn't the first nor will it be the last". One computer has a Welcome email from SSI to new recruits. It details that they have access to all areas except Section Zero, which is reserved for Blue or Black agents and that, should the encounter a Blue or Black Agent (SPECIFICALLY "in the night"), do not interact or acknowledge them. The next email from Wallace mentions an accident where there was a "behavioral anomaly" and "ALPHA" injured a Blue Agent (BLUE-66M) who is in critical and the SSI head is requesting access to Sector Zero to give medical aid. SSI gives Wallace the code to Sector Zero and sends a team to aid. SSI knew about the accident and lied. You go to the second computer, unlock it, and can unlock the upstairs door. On that terminal is a bunch of deleted files (presumably the security footage from that night) and emails discussing "normal maintenance procedure" and further informing security that ALPHA (Jefferson) hired a merc (V) and, should security encounter them, do not interact with them.
Small thing I found interesting, a shard called "You Are What You Slot" is found down here too. It details a fictional assassin who kills and then steals the identity of her victims. Small and doesn't mean much on it's own, but the shards are hinting at the story here; one of false identities and manipulation.
Now, let's get to the main event; the secret room. Inside is a control center. Elizabeth is horrified and feels violated. She shouts that she's not letting SSI anywhere near them, only for her head to start hurting and she tells V to do what he needs to do. She leaves him. Inside the control room is a box of bloody medical supplies. The computer discusses "behavioral norms" for ALPHA (Jefferson) and suggests amplifying "neural dampening". It discusses things similar to Wallace's terminal, but from the other side; ALPHA is displaying odd behavior by hiring a merc, the SSI teams avoided meeting the merc, and then the actual accident that occurred injuring BLUE-66M during regular 'maintenance'. The other side of the room also has another data shard, "Rewriting Synaptic Pathways", basically talking about using tech to rewire the brain a bit.
Following some wires from the control room to the roof, we find a signal dish. Johnny (replacing Elizabeth for conversation now that she's gone), joins in that the tech looks prehistoric but functional and that Militech used it in the war; it requires line of sight to transmit data but otherwise can't be intercepted. We can see the tower and go to investigate. V tells Liz the whole deal; V can suggest that the Van near the tower could be SSIs or that it might not be due to unconventional tech. Liz then itterates twice that it's a stressful campaign time for Jefferson and V should talk to her, NOT him. "Sure, whatever" V and the player dismiss.
(I SWEAR WE'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THE SUMMARIZING FOR DREAM ON, I'M SO SORRY.)
We drive after the van, Johnny is suddenly excited for smashing a corpo conspiracy and iterates that citizens do not choose their representatives, instead they're chosen by "key players" who watch the Peralezes for weaknesses or blackmail material. We arrive at the facility patrolled by Maelstrom and the occupants of our van park, get out, and climb ladders to the roof where they get into an AV that is cloaked to be near invisible (as shown in a couple of vids on YouTube and this subreddit).
At the place, Maelstom is explained; "UNKNOWN USER" contacted them while driving the van for protection to take care of V and then destroy the van. Van's data makes it pretty clear; the Peralezs' minds are being manipulated, new neural pathways are being created, and their memories are being created, changed, or erased. There are also a couple of other names of other test subjects. The data is then erased. We do see an almost flower like symbol before the data is destroyed.
The agents on the cloaked AV CAN be killed and do drop a shard, thought it doesn’t have many more details, merely that they’re contacting HQ to arrange extraction and that the Van’s data should be destroyed and echoing the arrangement with Maelstrom mentioned earlier in their shards.
V calls Liz, Liz wants to meet in person instead of over holo and send him to a Japantown Raman shop (same one that used to be Rainbow Cadenza, coincidentally). Odd choice for an upstanding congresswoman. She says her nerves are shot, the ramen shop is a quieter place to meet than the apartment, and she needs a moment to gather herself since she last saw V, with V even asking if something has happened since they last saw each other. Of note, Liz is stress smoking the entire scene, something she hasn't done until now. She then explains, no, it's been over a longer period of time. She's been watching her husband change and act differently for awhile; he stopped reading, his taste changed, and he even insisted he was an only child and never had a bother when Liz asks about visiting the grave. Of note, yes, Antonio Peralez has a Columbarium Vault, which proves Liz is correct on this. She confesses that she herself has been told by others she's been acting strangely. V says she knew what V would find and she asserts that she doesn't know the who, how, or why, but "they're changing us". Jefferson apparently went on in great detail about a trip she swears they never went on, but she doesn't know if the vacation is a fake memory or if she's the one that doesn't remember.
She saw a stranger in their apartment tinkering with a monitor, only for him to be missing when it was reported to SSI and they looked at the feeds. The next day, she got a phone call from a stranger (whom she refers to by "he") saying that she's walking on thin ice and Jefferson could have an accident. They later erased all data that the phone call had happened. Elizabeth claims she's terrified for herself and her husband's safety and doesn't want V to reveal the truth. V points out "they" could be telling her to say that but it doesn't really change how she feels since she just wants Jefferson to be safe. She tells V to tell Jefferson it was SSI spying for Holt. She asserts she wants SSI out of her roof if they're spying on their sleep. She will take responsibility for firing SSI, but wants Jefferson to be safe and out of that fight. She adds a meeting with Jefferson to his calendar at Reconciliation Park. But, ultimately it's V's choice (especially since she has no idea if she'll remember the conversation) and leaves. Johnny jumps and and talks and mentions that there were talks like this back in his day and worrying about the damage a puppet mayor could do.
V heads to Reconciliation Park to meet with Jefferson. Entering, V is called by an Unknown Number which blacks out V's optics. They claim to know who V is, *what* V is, and what V wants. It doesn't matter what V tells Jefferson, but "don't dare cross that line" and "you're playing with fire". Its a garbled male robo voice, so safe to say it's irrelevant to the owner.
Enter Stage Right, our missing lead; Mr. Blue Eyes. He is standing on a balcony watching the place where we meet Jefferson. In the Scanner, he is labeled "Mr. Blue Eyes", has no known affiliation, is wanted for "SC 370", and is wanted for "Classified". His eyes are electronically glowing blue you can even see from several yards away. You cannot injure him as grenades do nothing and you can't aim at him. Of small note, and I don't know if this ACTUALLY means anything, but his hair style asset is referred to as Morgan Blackhand in the files, but could mean nothing if this hair is actually used by other NPCs. MOST LIKELY THIS IS NOTHING UNLESS SOMEONE HAS FURTHER INFO.
(Plot twist: It meant something. But we'll get there.)
V sits with Jefferson and can reveal the truth; "SSI is on the take from an unknown group to control your lives". V can even point out the absurdity of Peralez being as successful of a politician as he is without any corp sponsors. "They want you to be *their* mayor. Molding you like clay". You can tell Jefferson how to proceed and additional details, but it doesn't matter. Later, Jefferson will send a text and delete your number and so will Elizabeth, who will call you out for telling Jeff. In the end credits voicemails, Jefferson has decended into paranoia about some vitamins Liz gave him which he didn't trust so he sent them to the lab, only to then not trust the lab results saying they're fine. Jefferson Peralez is confirmed the new mayor during Late Act 2 and the major difference is his state of mind at the end game; either hiring V to be on his security staff or descending into absolute paranoia over everything in his life.
Lastly, Johnny appears and cryptically talks about back in his day when they'd talk about rogue AIs. Personally... I kinda completely dismiss this? It comes out of nowhere, Johnny cites NOTHING for why he'd bring this up in relation to the case, and I can't fathom a motive. I’d also point out that this isn’t the only time Johnny is outright wrong. In fact, he’s wrong A LOT in the game. For example, he criticizes V for listening to the Netwatch Agent and that he’s bullshitting you. Except, the agent is 100% correct that VDB did spike V as a suicide virus and Johnny is actually wrong. He also claims he doesn’t know what happened with Thompson after Never Fade Away, but this is a lie because Thompson is flying the AV Johnny takes to Arasaka in 2023. The only connection I can find is "Who is controlling Blue-Eyes" which might make Johnny correct, if just not in the way 'Rogue AIs' initially implies.
So, what actually has happened?
The Peralez family has been molded for a very long time into being the perfect political couple. They got scholarships from the Night Foundation for two fancy law degrees, have successful political careers, and Jefferson is running for Mayor on an anti-corp platform, an insanity for Night City. And he's actually successful at it. During a maintenance service at night on the Peralez's apartment, Jefferson woke up and shot an SSI/Unknown agent making repairs. The Control Booth knocked Jefferson out and they pulled the agent out of the apartment into the secret room. SSI put the Peralezes back into bed and hastily cleaned up everything, but the damage was done and Peralez hired V who uncovered mostly everything.
Elizabeth seems to be initially very upset by the discovery, but wants V off the trail when we meet her next. However, she's not in on it as she's equally a victim to the brainwashing/gaslighting and that's for certain. I think she's a pawn who is either too scared or too programmed to break the rules of movement on this chessboard. It's worth noting that, while the unknown entity threatens Jefferson's life and V's well being, they do not make due on either of these threats. I call their bluff. They have put too much work into Jefferson to abandon or kill him.
But, where else have we heard of this gaslighting brainwash process before?
"FULL DISCLOSURE"
Ok, we're on the shorter end so I don't have to actually explain this quest in full. Sandra Dorsett is a netrunner and a very skilled on at that, actually collecting data from Night Corp. She was kidnapped by the savs we rescued her from at the beginning of the game shortly AFTER she stole this data, suggesting Night Corp was behind it. This data is on the shard she asks you to collect during the aforementioned quest. V has full ability to NOT read it, but let's look at it; "Operation Carpe Noctem" ("Seize The Night" in Latin)
Described in it is an experiment on Night Corp's own employees where they are quietly brainwashing them and getting them to do whatever they want. They specifically cite an empathetic and calm employee who they got to fight a co-worker and then jump from a 16th floor window. The shard ends on mentioning that they're ready to install CN-07 on "our actual target".
I think multiple quests discussing brainwashing and gaslighting is too coincidental to be utterly unrelated to each other. I think Night Corp's actual target mentioned here is Peralez.
So, what is Night Corp?
Night Corp is the most mysterious of the corps in Night City. It currently operates to better Night City via philanthropic ventures, fundraising, community support, and city infrastructure. Basically, while Militech and Arasaka and the others operate in the city, Night Corp basically RUNS the actual city. They're also noteworthy for the level of security they have that even the best netrunners can't get much from them and, since they keep to themselves and seemingly just do city infrastructure stuff, no one really super bothers them. It has been run by Miriam Night, wife of late-Richard Night, until recently and we currently don’t actually know who runs NightCorp.
Originally, they were the Night Foundation, but that requires explaining Richard Night... oh boy, Lore Drop. I'll make it quick as possible.
Richard Night is the founder of Night City. He started as a partner of a firm, but his ambitions grew beyond that to founding "Night International" to build his dream; a city that would be so grand it would make all other cities pale by comparison, Coronado City. A capitalist mecha of opportunity, Night City would be run by corporations and have next to no anti-business policies on the books. Arasaka, EMB, and Petrochem were his first backers and he came into claim of land on the central-California coast; Del Coronado Bay and Morro Bay would be the location of his dream city.
(BTW, irl, Morro Bay, California is a real place. Been there, have family there, go there regularly, kinda cool!).
Despite being a capitalist mecca city and run by corps, Richard Night also dreamed it to be "A sprawling metropolis, free of crime, of poverty, of debt. A place where people could live safely, peacefully, without having to worry about the dire situations that were growing around the world at the time".
However, due to the design plans, Night didn't employ local contractors and instead got expensive architects and builders from all over the world. Local builders didn't like that, they had mob connections, bloodshed started. And soon Richard Night was murdered by an unknown assassin, presumably a mob hitman. The city was renamed Night City in his honor and his dream utopia became to embody everything that was destroying the world. Mob took control and corps didn't give a fuck since it didn't hurt them any until they eventually had to take out the mob gangs, but not in any favor to Night’s dream either.
Miriam Night, Richard's Widow, founded the Night Foundation (later Night Corp) to stick to Richard's Ideal dreams of what he wanted the city to be. They invest heavily in ecological research, alt power sources, civic infrastructure, public works, and charities and scholarships for Night City youth. "They've even managed to stay out of the normal corporate power struggles which tend to plague every other corporation, both inside the city and out. Even the shadowy corporate rumors about them, like having underwater bases in the bay or access to orbital satellites, remain unsubstantiated despite extensive investigation."
So, where does this put us now? We have ONE last quest...
"THE PROPHET'S SONG"
Garry The Prophet is our local crazy man. He spouts off insanities to anyone who will listen near Misty's Esoterica in Kabuki. However, some of his ideas aren't quite as much off the mark as one might think. There ain't no technonecromancers from Alpha Centuri (or Spanish Inquisition) nor is Saburo Arasaka an immortal vampire, but he was correct that Saburo wasn't dead and in fact immortal; via Mikoshi and The Relic.
He send you on a quest to investigate a meeting; he says that his ripper mistuned some cyberware in his head and he can hear their communications. You show up to a meeting between corps and Maelstrom. They say some nonsense phrases and transfer a data shard. Reading it ("Destroy After Reading") it seems like nonsense. But does include the line "The cages of men melt as night descends". You can decode it via a Null Cipher; first letter of every line: “Project Oracle Command Execute Plans”.
We don’t know what Project Oracle is. In real life, secret project or operation names actually tend to be chosen at random and are unrelated to the actual project (you can google funny stories about names that ended up awkward to the actual project), so this could mean nothing. But, narratives tend to give meaning to everything. Oracles are mythical in references and could predict the future or see the unseen. Perhaps perfect prediction via behind the scenes manipulations? Not sure we’ll get answers on this one for now.
Going back to Garry, he's been kidnapped. His protoge is screaming he's been kidnapped "Black suits came by - blue eyes and all". Blue Eyes huh? Further, she claims that they threw him into an invisible AV... Huh, like the one we saw back during "Dream On"? "Night's comin... The eternal night"
So, it’s time to jump us to the final step in our Fool’s Journey: The Sun.
“THE SUN”
The Sun ending has V wake up in their new penthouse apartment (with their love interest if they have one). Checking the computer, we see emails from our dear Mr. Blue Eyes. He wants an answer from V as to the job to the Crystal Palace he has planned and that they’re on a tight schedule for “obvious reasons”. We meet with him at the Afterlife and he talks about the job; Casino security is going into maintenance and V mentions giving him the casino client list. V also asks him to “hold up your end of the bargain”. They never discuss eddies or payment. It’s all in such vague terms. “Your end” or “Obvious reasons”. Smaller point but an email from Vik on the space shuttle also tells us that he’s asked around about Blue Eyes and has nothing; either he works with people WAY above Vik’s paygrade or he’s shady as hell… or both.
I think Blue Eyes knows V is dying (the obvious reasons) and I think the unspecified payment is V’s survival. V always says that they want to come back to their love interest so it’s not a mindless suicide run and I don’t think V would risk it all for nothing but eddies; especially not after Reaper (both versions) paint suicide runs as a horrible terrible thing. To then glorify it in another ending… no, the game is smarter than that.
Your love interest doesn’t seem to be too upset about the situation either. Panam and Judy leave V in The Sun due to their lives taking different directions, but it seems mostly amicable and understanding. They even express desire to see V again because they know V needs to do this job. Kerry, who stays with V in The Sun and expresses worry and also a desire to settle down with V, also seems mostly understanding that V needs to go on this quest. I don’t think they’d be so calm and loving and understanding if this were a suicide run. They know more than the player does.
Further, I think Blue Eyes isn’t after the casino aspect of the Crystal Palace at all. While that’s the major commercial aspect of the station as marketed to the citizen world, the station also has embassies from every nation on earth, facilities from all the major corporations, and is pretty much THE place where all the dark corporate espionage goes down. There’s so much more to this location than ‘casino resort’. *EVERY* corp has space stations and hideaways in space because the Crystal Palace offers it’s own legalities and opportunities that are not allowed within Earth’s terms and conditions. If they want to do some research that would be frowned upon elsewhere and get up to some Top Secret shit, it’ll be in outer space. Night City is controlled by corps and has lax laws, but outer space’s are even more so.
I think the cure V wants is not only on the station, I think it’s what Blue Eyes himself is after, but I’ll get there when it’s time to theory craft about the future.
I think it’s worth noting; Blue Eyes IS IN THE TRAILER FOR THE GAME. Yeah, anyone remember that shot on a shuttle with a guy being burned out from the inside? Yeah, he’s there. In the foreground. *Smirking*. The shuttle also seems like they’re in space.
These events leading to the Crystal Palace and the conspiracy with Blue Eyes are blatant DLC Hooks for the future and suggest a post-game DLC. This isn’t the first CDPR has done so either; Blood and Wine takes place after the story of Witcher 3 and is explicitly incompatible with the worst endings of that game. I think, conceivably, other endings where V is still alive could be roped into this adventure; Blue Eyes merely needs to hire them with the same offer of survival. While The Star takes V to Arizona and away from Night City, I think that choice of location is appropriate as, to even get to space for The Crystal Palace, citizens go from LAX to Arizona for a space port to launch them off Earth’s surface. They could have chosen anywhere else to send Panam and V, but they choose Arizona, huh. I do think Reaper, Temperance, and Devil will be locked out of this future, however, as all make any point of Blue Eyes hiring V irrelevant; there’s no V left to hire/save. MAYBE a rejected Devil ending, but I wouldn’t blame them for not continuing that conclusion either as Devil is one of the bad endings.
So, it’s finally time to really compile a lot of this information into where I think this is going in the next comment below

A guide to Florence and the Machine's discography

Florence Welch isn't like the rest of us.
For her, matters of the heart aren't simple, everyday occurrences to gush about, they're as grand as mesmerizing as the Big Bang itself. To her, a breakup isn't just a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things, it is a total and utter eclipse of the heart. She takes the most mundane details from her life, turning it into a long Ophelia mad scene, and she sings about the esoteric as effortlessly as one might talk about the weather.

So, who is Florence, and why does she have a machine?

I make songs to tie people to me with a ribbon of fantasy around their necks / Such a beautiful bow / That I would hold in my fist, and never let go

Ever since she was a child, Florence Welch would spontaneously burst into song, which wasn't looked upon too favorably by her parents. When she joined the choir in her school, she was often reprimanded for singing too loud. However, her grandmother believed in her and encouraged her to sing at family weddings and funerals, and later at talent shows and the like. When she was a teen, Florence's parents got divorced and her grandmother committed suicide. This, along with the constant bullying she faced at school, led her to develop an eating disorder and took a toll on her mental health. She relied on alcohol and drugs for a long time, and her journey to sobriety is an important theme in her later records.
Music and books offered Florence an escape from reality. She put all her angst into songs and poetry, songs which she went on to perform at bars with her multi-instrumentalist friend Isabella Summers. An hour before their first gig, Isabella and Florence decided to name their collaborative effort "Florence Robot and Isabella Machine" which they shortened to Florence and the Machine. The "Machine" only grew with the addition of guitarist Rob Ackroyd, harpist Tom Monger, drummer Christopher Hayden, and bassist Mark Saunders.
For lack of a more formal term, Florence and the Machine's music is epic, unhinged blues-based indie rock that bridges the gap between creepy folk and fun pop. If we were to use typical genres to describe the band's music, it would fall somewhere between indie pop and art rock. The band has been noted for its dramatic and often eccentric production while Florence has been praised for her vocals and songwriting, and has often been called one of the best vocalists of this generation.

Lungs

Lungs artwork / Deluxe reissue cover

If you could only see the beast you've made of me, I held it in for so long but now you've set it running free / The ropes have been unbound, and now I search for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

The first project the band released was an EP in 2008 titled A Lot of Love. A Lot of Blood. with the songs Dog Days are Over, Kiss with a Fist, Hospital Beds, and a cover of The Source and Candi Staton's queer anthem You've Got the Love. Kiss with a Fist was a moderate hit in the UK, peaking at #51. It introduced F+atM to the indie scene and made Florence the it alt-pop girl to look out for. The EP acted as a precursor to their debut LP, Lungs, which was released in July 2009. Lungs is an indie folk-pop record with baroque and neo-soul influences. Critics were appreciative of the record, and compared it to Fiona Apple and Kate Bush's early work.
Lungs debuted at #2 on the UK albums chart, and spent 28 weeks in the top 40 before finally rising to #1. The album spent a staggering 196 weeks on the charts, catapulting Florence to mainstream success. Subsequent singles Rabbit Heart and You've Got the Love became top 20 hits and a live remix of You've Got The Love along with Dizzee Rascal titled You've Got The Dirtee Love peaked at #2, giving the band their second top 5 hit.
In 2010, Dog Days are Over became a crossover hit in the US, ultimately peaking at #21 on the Billboard Hot 100, and thus becoming their highest-charting song on the Hot 100 as a band. The music video for Dog Days are Over got 4 nominations at the 2010 VMAs, including Video of the Year, ultimately winning Best Art Direction. A performance of the same bolstered Lungs to #14 on the Billboard 200. Lungs went on to win a BRIT award for Album of the Year, and the band received a Grammy nomination for Best New Artist at the 2010 ceremony. Lungs has sold nearly 4 million copies worldwide and is recognized as one of the most influential alt-pop albums of the 21st century.
Song recommendations from Lungs:

Howl, Blinding: If you're still bummed that Lana Del Rey didn't deliver the witchy era she promised with Lust for Life
Bird Song: If folksy, energetic pop is your thing
Between two Lungs: If you like high, soaring vocals
Cosmic Love: If you like songs with vocal layering

Links: Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
Music Videos: Dog Days are Over / Rabbit Heart(Raise it Up) / Kiss With A Fist / Drumming Song / Cosmic Love / You've Got The Love
Visuals from the Lungs era

Ceremonials and Hiatus

Album art / MTV Unplugged Live Album

Oh, slipping underneath / So cold and so sweet / In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold / And all this devotion, well, I never knew at all
Holy water cannot help you now / I've had to burn your kingdom down / And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out

Ceremonials, the band's second record was released on October 31, 2011. While Lungs was a genre-hopping, breezy and playful record that showed an artist trying to find her footing, Ceremonials is a big, bombastic record with gargantuan drums and cascading harps and chest-thumping choruses that ventures into significantly darker themes and sounds. Primarily a chamber and baroque pop record, Ceremonials finds inspiration in esoteric and sees Florence singing about ghosts, graveyards, devils, angels, myths,and drowning.
Speaking about the album title, she said,

It was an art installation done in the '70s, this video piece all done on Super 8, this big procession of kind of coquette-style hippies and all these different colored robes and masks, and it was all to do with color, really saturated, brightly colored pastas and balloons. I saw it a couple years ago, and it was called 'Ceremonials' and then, like, Roman numerals after it. And the word sort of stuck with me, and I think the whole idea of performance, and kind of putting on this outfit and going out almost to find some sort of exorcism or absolution, to kind of get outside yourself, there's a sense of ceremony to it.

The album was promoted by a set at the Royal Albert Hall, in which Florence was accompanied by a backing orchestra which highlighted the lush instrumentation on the songs.
Ceremonials peaked at #6 on the Hot 100 and became their second chart-topping album in the UK. Pre-album singles Shake it Out and What the Water Gave Me peaked in the top 20 in the UK and were minor hits in the US. The next singles, Never Let Me Go and No Light, No Light, underperformed commercially but were praised for their lyricism and vocal performance. Spectrum(Say my Name), a gay anthem about celebrating one's identity, was released as the next single, and a Calvin Harris remix helped it to reach the top position on the UK charts.
Continuing her collaborative efforts with Calvin Harris, Florence(without the Machine) featured on Sweet Nothing, an EDM track that featured on Harris' record 18 Months. The song debuted at #1 on the UK charts and #10 on the Hot 100, thus giving Florence a second #1 in the UK and her first top ten entry on the Hot 100. Critics praised the song, and appreciated how Florence's voice meshed well with EDM. In a review, Billboard wrote:

The bass glimmers underneath Welch's operatic chants, as the singer, freed momentarily from her well-oiled Machine, gets to re-imagine her career as a dance goddess.

Sweet Nothing, which featured on Calvin's record 18 Months
Ceremonials acted as a worthy follow-up to Lungs, and got the band two more Grammy nominations - Best Pop Duo/Group Performance for Shake it Out and Best Pop Vocal album. Sweet Nothing got a Grammy nomination for Best Dance Recording as well. At the end of the Ceremonials era, Florence decided to take a year-long hiatus, as she felt she needed a break before working on the next LP. During this time, she released Breath of Life for the Snow White and the Huntsman soundtrack,
Song recommendations from Ceremonials

Only If For A Night: If you are a sucker for lush instrumentation
Never Let Me Go: If you fantasize about drowning and/or feel a special connection to the ocean
No Light, No Light: If you appreciate strong vocal performances and high notes
Heartlines, Lover to Lover: If you like powerful, thumping bass lines

Links: Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
Ceremonials was a part of their 2012 MTV Unplugged set, which is available as a live album: **Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
Music Videos: Shake it Out / No Light, No Light / Never Let Me Go / Spectrum / Sweet Nothing / Lover to Lover / What the Water Gave Me
Visuals from the Ceremonials era

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

Album art

You'll find a rooftop to sing from, or find a hallway to dance / You don't need no edge to cling from, your heart is there, it's in your hands / I know it seems like forever, I know it seems like an age / But one day this will be over, I swear it's not so far away
Dissolving like the setting sun, Like a boat into oblivion, 'ause you're driving me away / Now you have me on the run. the damage is already done / Come on, is this what you want, 'cause you're driving me away

The hiatus didn't go as planned. Florence later described it as a 'crash landing' as she started drinking again which made her life all the more chaotic with no band to keep her tethered. As if things couldn't get any worse, Florence also went through a particularly messy breakup AND a mid-life crisis while on hiatus. All that would be usually enough to push a person into depression, and in this case, it did. In an interview, she said:

In the year off, I was still going out and going to events but something wasn’t quite right, I was spiraling a bit. I wasn’t making myself happy. I wasn’t stable. It was a really vulnerable time for me when we first started making the (new) record and because of that it’s the most personal record I’ve ever made.

But if Florence Welch knew one thing, it was expressing her feelings through her art - and as I mentioned earlier, she feels things more painfully and powerfully than anybody else. All this is reflected in her third record with the Machine - How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful
While her previous albums were fixated on the esoteric, How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful(referred to as HB3 from here on) shifted the focus towards her personal life. Florence realized that in talking about death and water on her first two LPs, she was purposefully running away from writing about her personal life and her issues with addiction. HB3 offered refreshing honesty and a look into Florence's life. Fun fact: This album wouldn't have seen the light of day if not for Taylor Swift, who convinced Florence to release it after Flo was worried she was revealing too much.
The lead single, What Kind of Man, was released in early 2015 and peaked at #88 on the Hot 100 and was a top 40 hit in the UK. The album was released in the summer, and debuted at #1 in both the UK and the US, becoming the band's first chart-topping album in the States. It received widespread critical acclaim, and ended up on many year-end lists. The album got them three nominations at the 2016 Grammy Awards, including Best Pop Vocal Album, and Best Rock Song.
In my opinion, HB3 is Florence's magnum opus. The record is not only cohesive, but also has top-tier songwriting. It takes the lush instrumentation from Ceremonials and amps it up to the extent that almost every song on the record is orgasmic. It also features more rock and blues elements than the previous albums. It also marks an important change for Florence as she transitioned from a singles artist to an albums artist during this era. Florence also featured on her longtime friend Lady Gaga's LP Joanne, on the song Hey Girl. Florence also released an EP titled Songs for Final Fantasy XV that included a cover of Ben E King's Stand by Me, and two new songs, Too Much is Never Enough, and I Will Be
Instead of traditional music videos, the band released a music film titled The Odyssey which showed Florence's personal journey to find herself again after the emotional storm of a heartbreak. Like the layers of Dante's purgatory, each song or chapter represented a battle that Florence traversed and a physical landscape that embodied each song or story.
Song recommendations from HB3:

Which Witch(Bonus Track): If you want to experience what the Salem witch trials felt like
Make Up Your Mind: If you like songs about killing men
Queen of Peace: If you liked Cosmic Love from Lungs
Third Eye: If you need a pick-me-up
What Kind of Man: If you hate m*n

Links: Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
https://preview.redd.it/c8kvdjirevg61.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ae5f724bad849a9837ac1315896dabab03b0d18b
Visuals from The Odyssey

High as Hope, Useless Magic, Droplets Era, and Hiatus pt. 2

Album art

Heady with pagan worship/of water towers/fire escapes, ever reaching/high as hope
Did I dream too big, and now do I have to let it go? / I thought I was flying, but maybe I'm dying tonight

You know how every artist has a stripped-down era after their most maximalist era? (Examples in case being Lady Gaga's Joanne, Miley Cyrus' Younger Now, Kylie's Golden et al) This was that era for the band. Thankfully, they didn't go full-on country, and used mostly pianos and violins as opposed to the 654756 instruments that could be found on their earlier albums.
The lead single, Sky Full of Song, was a sparse piano and strings ballad that talked about loneliness. The second single, Hunger, was a stripped-down yet anthemic song that talked about eating disorders. The album was released in June 2018 and received mostly positive reviews from critics who appreciated the personal and hard-hitting lyricism. The fans, however, were more divided and weren't exactly appreciative of the stripped-down vibe. The album peaked at #2 in both the UK and the US, kept out of the top spot by Drake's Scorpion
I'd like to talk about two specific songs from the album here, Big God and June. Big God is yet another example of Florence's melodrama, and how she paints even the smallest setback as the most devastating thing that could happen to anyone. This pensive ballad convinces you that cosmic destruction is afoot when all that happened was Florence's boyfriend ignoring her messages. June is an ode to the LGBTQ+ community, and talks about the Pulse nightclub shootings.
Song recommendations from High as Hope:

100 Years: If you like songs that start out slow but turn into unhinged rock anthems by the end
No Choir: If you feel that you have a tendency to over-dramatize things
Grace: If you feel ever feel regret for unknowingly hurting someone

Music Videos: Big God | Hunger | Sky Full of Song
Visuals from the High as Hope era
Links: Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
Along with the album, Florence released a book of poetry titled Useless Magic. The book was praised by critics for its soul-baring honesty. Two loose singles, Masturbation and Haunted House were released in 2019 and were seen as a return to the band's baroque-pop reminiscent of Lungs and Ceremonials. In April 2019, the band recorded a song titled Jenny of Oldstones which was featured in the second episode of the eighth season of Game of Thrones.
Lungs was reissued in July 2019 for its 10th anniversary. After the reissue, Florence revealed that she felt 'drained' after nearly a decade of continuously releasing albums and touring, and announced that she was going on hiatus to focus on her mental health. In her own words,

My whole adult life has been about making an album, then going on a tour, in a cycle. And it’s been very punishing for me, mentally and physically. It’s draining. I’m drained, I have been doing this for 10 years, and I would quite like to experience a different way of life.
My mental health has taken a battering. It used to be a price I was willing to pay. I don’t think I am now. I have to unravel the anxiety. I can’t stop crying. I can’t dress up. I get cyclical negative thinking that gets really dark that says, ‘I shouldn’t exist.’ I go down a hole quite fast.

Artworks for the singles / Lungs 10th Anniversary reissue / Useless Magic
However, Florence assured fans that she wasn't retiring anytime soon, and just needed a break. In April 2020, she released Light of Love, a High as Hope outtake, the proceeds from which would go to Intensive Healthcare workers. The song came out on the same day as Fiona Apple's Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Florence showed her appreciation for the record and Fiona herself on instagram, and thanked Fiona for inspiring her. On hearing of this, Fiona decided to listen to Light of Love. It became the first piece of new music she listened to since 2015. Expressing her appreciation, Fiona shared a video of her listening to the it and wrote:

I CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC NOW and I think it’s perfect that this song and my album have the same birthday, and if you want to know how I’m feeling today, just listen to Florence💞

Florence as a gay icon

In times like these when almost every (white) cisgender, heterosexual woman in pop is hailed as a 'gay icon', is it necessary to apply that term to yet another one? However, one must note that the LGBTQ+ community constitutes a large portion of the Florence and the Machine fanbase. I'm just going to ask y'all to read this incredible article here.
My own $0.02:
Is it the ~camp~ aesthetic that draws me to Florence? Is it the fact that we're both Virgo introverts? Is it her sense of fashion? Or is it her vivacious, magnetic personality? Whatever it is, all that matters is that she's given me, a closeted faguette, hope and strength in my darkest moments. She might not be the most commercially successful act out there, but she has saved my life, and has always given me the love I needed when I didn't get it from anywhere else. At the end of the day, terms like 'gay icon' do not matter. She's saved lives, given people hope in their darkest moments, and told us to carry on -- and that's what counts. Thank you, Florence, for being our guiding light.
(This post was inspired by u/AHSWeeknd*'s guide to the Weeknd's discography, which you can find* here!)
Thank you, have a good day/night, and stream Juice and Damn Daniel.

My Fitness Journey: Finally Find What Work for Me After 7-8 Years of Trial and Error.

When I began my fitness journey to now.... I weigh the same in both pictures (125ish).
Hello!
In the spirit of the new year I thought that I would make a "fitness journey" post and hopefully inspire some women to reach their goals in a healthy and sustainable way. Fitness has been a big part of my life for the past 7-8 years. I have gone through times where I was obsessed with working out, times where I used exercise to punish myself for eating too much, times where I forced my body to be too thin, times where I forced myself out of my comfort zone and bulked, and times where I put fitness on the back burner.
Looking back on the last 7-8 years I have realized that so much of my motivation was fueled by a hate for my body, and the drive to be thinner and smaller. My diet used to focus on how little I could eat. My goals were to get my BMI and scale weight as low as possible. I still fight those thoughts to this day. I hope that I can motivate, inspire, or at least inform some of the awesome women in this sub that health, both mind and body, are much more important that any number you can see on the scale.

My Journey

Stage 1: High School NEWB and Cardio Bunny
Weight 120-125 (never really tracked weight accurately)
I started working out when I was in highschool. I would label myself as a cardio bunny who would occasionally do some air squats and lunges. The programs I would follow could be found on Pinterest links titled "30 Day Bubble Butt Challenge". Eventually when I got comfortable enough in the gym I transitioned from cardio to weights. My body at this stage was "skinny fat" and can be seen in the first picture in my Before and After. I was not fat by any means but I had no muscle definition, no butt, and somewhat of a lil pooch/lovehandles. I got all my information from blog science, random youtube videos, pinterest, and instagram.
Stage 2: High School Senior wanting to get serious + College Gym Bro Years
Pre Bulk >>>; bulk photos
120-125 >>>;135ish
Year 3: After about 2ish years of fucking around in the gym I finally decided that I wanted to be serious about gaining muscle so I started doing some real research into the science behind nutrition, muscle building. I learned how to track my macros, began tracking every single meal with Myfitnesspal, tracked my progress at the gym, ect.
I would say that it was this period in my life where my body changed the most. Through counting my macros I lost A LOT of weight and got really skinny. I ate at a very unhealthy 1000-1400 calories a day diet. I found that my body was not what I had hoped it would be, in fact, it looked exactly the same except now I would see my ribs and had some ab definition. Other than that I looked gaunt and bootyless/boobless.
year 4: At some point in college I realized that if I wanted to have a significant amount of muscle, I would need to actually eat. I did a clean bulk during this time and gained around 10 lb. I was definitely a bit slim thicc, but boy was I strong! This was the period in my life where I was the strongest I had ever been, I was hitting PR's in all my major lifts and enjoying the gym so much. I hit 135lb which was my goal and decided to cut from there because I was getting fluffy
Stage 3: Beach Body, but at what cost?
Weight: 130ish -> 142 -> 132ish
Cutting was really hard for me but I did it. I gained alot of muscle and it showed. I was flooded with compliments about how I looked "better now" after I had lost the weight from my bulk. Many people came up to me and asked me how I did it. I got more attention from girls and guys. I looked great and I was the happiest I had ever been with my body. I was riding off the high of my new body. My dad who had called me fat during my bulk was saying that I was beginning to look good (even though he still thought my legs were too big), and I was getting compliments from my friends and even strangers.
It was during this year that I realized how tired I was of tracking my macros (which I had done religiously for about 5ish years). I decided that I would stop tracking and just eat.
At first it went great, I loved the new freedom I had. I didn't have to only eat at places where I could look up the calories before hand, I could eat my moms food again, I was slowly gaining weight again but it was at such a slow pace that I didn't even notice, nor did I really care because I was honestly just enjoying myself.
Eventually, I ended up getting an office job. I went from being active all day everyday, hitting the gym 5-6 days a week, attending classes, hanging out with friends, and just being generally up and about all day to sitting in a desk most of the day and taking online classes. I gained even more weight- to the point where I was uncomfortable with how my body looked. I tried to lose weight without tracking and ended up having huge binge episodes, I'm talking 5-8k calories, if not more. At this point I realized that I had an eating disorder. It was during this time in my life that I weighed the highest I had ever weighed, at 142lb. After many a binge and mental breakdown I realized that I didn't want to live my life under the weight of an ED so I decided that I would focus on eating whole foods, fueling my body, and using what I have learned over the years to try and lose the weight healthily.
For the most part I accomplished the task, and I did it slowly and tried to not be very harsh on myself. During this period in my life I went to the gym just because it was a habit rather than having any goals. I also got into running, since I was lowkey getting bored of the gym. I had never been in a runner in my life and started with Couch to 5K which I recommend to ANYONE AND EVERYONE who wants to get into running and is a beginner. But for the most part, I focused on other areas of my life during this time such as finishing my degree, and getting into grad school. I ended up getting to around 132 (which I believe is my body's set point) and staying there for a while.
Stage 4: Break up depression/ weight loss and a new perspective on food and life.
This period of my life I experienced the worst breakup I had ever gone through, and lost weight rapidly due to loss of appetite and loss of motivation to do anything in general. I have never gone more than 2 weeks without hitting the gym, and for about two months I didn't do anything but lay in bed and be cry/mope. I lost around 14 lb during this time in my life, and was the thinnest I have ever been since highschool. At my lowest point I weighed around 117 lb. this is the leanest I have ever looked.
I did not like my body because I looked almost sickly. I had lost ALL my boobs, and my butt was flat too. I still had all of the muscle that I had gained over the years, but with no fat on top of it I didn't really like the way I looked.
Eventually I got over the breakup and just wanted to focus on me (like many girls do post breakup). I wanted more than anything to just be healthy and happy. It was during this stage in my life where I began to really reflect on my relationship with my body. I realized that all of my adult life I have almost never been sustainably happy with my body. I was always too fat, or too thin, too muscular or not muscular enough. I asked myself when I would be happy with my body and realized that I never would be.
A lot of my inspiration and what made me realize that I needed to change my relationship with my body and myself came from followed Stephanie Buttermore's "All in Journey" on youtube/insta. I highly relate to her journey and recommend everyone to follow her. I read alot about intuitive eating, and loving what my body could do rather than how my body looks, I unfollowed diet pages on instagram and followed fitness women who focus on self love and acceptance (shout out to Katrina @ collegecleaneating, she is an absolute queen and is one of my biggest motivators on IG).
I still deal with ED thoughts often, but instead of acting on them I remind myself to be forgiving and patient . I talk to myself as though I am talking to a friend, or I write in my journal on bad days. I don't track and I promised myself that I never will (even mentally). I do have to say that I am happy that I did track for so long (5 years) because I can literally look at a plate and guesstimate with near perfection the amount of calories and macros in it. I use this skill to get a general idea of how I should portion my meals/snacks. If I am hungry I let myself eat, and if I am full I try to save my leftovers for later (this is something I still work on). I eat my moms food, and have pasta, and desserts, and bake, and cook with oils, and so many more things that I deprived myself of for the past couple years. Me now :)
Biggest takeaways from my journey:
I would rather be heavier and enjoy myself then be miserable and skinny. I am never going to be satisfied with my body so why should I keep chasing an ideal that I will never meet. I'd rather enjoy myself, my time with my family and friends, and love my body for what it does and how it feels as opposed to how it looks in the mirror.
My gym routine
Im currently in grad school so i don't have as much time for the gym as I used to but I still hit legs every 3rd day so I'm in the gym 2-3 times a week for that. I try to run 2 times a week, usually I will do a 5k (around 9:30 per mile is my average time).
A typical leg day for me looks like: 1 compound lift (squat deadlift or hipthrust) and 3-4 accessories (bulgarians, front squats, leg ext, hamstring curl, lunges, step ups, ect)
If I have time for an extra day in the gym that isnt a leg day I will do a very mediocre arm/ab day which consists of whatever I feel like doing that day lol.
Feel free to comment any questions!

Rihanna’s Pre-ANTI Albums Deserve More Praise

Let me start by saying I love ANTI. It’s a brilliant album that had Rihanna at her most confident, artistic, and vulnerable. It absolutely deserves the praise it gets for elevating Rihanna’s overall discography and showing how she could make a deep and well-crafted album. However, I feel like ANTI is the only Rihanna album that ever gets discussed in full, while her earlier albums are barely mentioned outside of the singles. Since the beginning of her career she has been considered a ‘singles artists’ with subpar albums. While I do acknowledge there was probably more effort in pushing her singles as opposed to her albums earlier in her career, I don’t think that instantly makes her albums bad. In my opinion, her album cuts are just as good, and often better, than her singles. With that said, I’m going to give a brief overview of each of her albums and explain why I think they deserve more praise than they get.
Music of the Sun
Her debut album, 2005’s Music of the Sun is as fun and summery as you can get. The album blends Caribbean-inspired reggae and dancehall with U.S.-based pop and R&B for an extremely easy and upbeat listen. It’s a perfect album to throw on when you’re poolside or if you’re in the mood for some chill escapism (I know I’ve listened to it for the last year pretending I’m on an island vacation instead of in my house for day #3685). Among the best songs are the infectious ‘Rush,’ featuring Kardinal Offishall, the laidback ‘Here I Go Again,’ featuring J-Status, and the criminally underrated ballad ‘Now I Know,’ which sees Rihanna at her most vocally impressive. It’s also damn near impossible to resist the urge to dance to songs like ‘Let Me’ and ‘Should I?’ This album seems to get flak for not showcasing enough of Rihanna’s personality and leaning too far into the ‘girl-next-door’ image, and I do think that’s a valid criticism. However, as a fun dance album with enough slow moments thrown in for good measure, I think this album is absolutely worth listening to, especially if you want some good summertime bops. I also think it’s unfair to hold this album to standards that Rihanna set later on in her career. In 2005, Rihanna was marketed as a pop/R&B artist heavily influenced by Caribbean music, and this album reflects that sound. While it’s different from what she would end up doing, it still deserves more attention for its incredibly fun songs outside of just ‘Pon de Replay’ and ‘If It’s Lovin’ that You Want’ (which is also underrated in its own right).
A Girl Like Me
Released less than a year after Music of the Sun, 2006’s A Girl Like Me is a natural progression of its predecessor. The record sheds some of Rihanna’s initial dancehall/reggae influence in favor of more balladry. The result is a more relatable album that sees Rihanna experiencing heartbreak and love affairs while trying to remain true to herself. Whether she is missing a past lover on ‘P.S. (I’m Still Not Over You)’ or feeling emotionally distant in her current relationship in ‘A Million Miles Away,’ Rihanna takes the listener through relatable experiences (well, I’m assuming relatable for people who have actually been in a relationship). What I love about this album is how it gives slight hints of Rihanna’s future cool and confident persona while also showcasing her vulnerability. Rihanna remains in control throughout the record, whether she is refusing to compromise on her morals in the title track (“'Cause a girl like me/ Is just a little different from all the rest/ And a girl like me/ Never gonna settle for second best”) or telling her lover the reasons why he should stay on ‘Who Ya Gonna Run To’ (“When your friends start to trip and you're losing your grip/ And you can't find your way back home/ When your world falls apart and you're lost in the dark/ And you know that you're all alone/ When you just can't deal and you need something real/ Someone who'll always come through/ Who ya gonna run to?”). In addition to this, there’s also plenty of up-tempo moments thrown in (‘Kisses Don’t Lie,’ ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love,’ ‘Coulda Been the One’), so it’s certainly not just ballads throughout the entire runtime. This album somehow gets even less attention than her debut, which is a shame since I find it just as good for different reasons. While Music of the Sun was a more lighthearted and danceable listen, A Girl Like Me sees Rihanna on a more personal and relatable level. While it may have one too many ballads for some listeners, her sophomore effort is certainly worth revisiting for some great songs to cry over.
Good Girl Gone Bad (+Reloaded)
Now THIS is where Rihanna’s discography really starts to take off. While her previous records were great in their own right, GGGB sees her in full Queen of Pop™ mode. The album combines the mid-2000s pop/R&B sounds along with 1980’s dance-pop to make a truly no-skip non-stop fun experience. The hooks are instantly memorable and the production is slick, but the standout part of the album is Rihanna’s newfound edgier image. No longer the island dancehall girl-next-door of her first two efforts, GGGB introduces the Rihanna we are more familiar with today; fully confident, effortlessly sexy, and completely cool. From the transformative liberation anthem of ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’ to her telling her man off in ‘Breakin’ Dishes,’ Rihanna finds herself comfortably slipping into a bolder persona without coming across as forced. She is having the time of her life on this album, making it hard to not have fun while listening. This album immediately comes to mind when I think of mid-late 2000s pop-perfection, and it remains my favorite album of hers. Not only does it have some of the most iconic hits of the 2000s (‘Disturbia,’ ‘Umbrella,’ ‘Shut Up and Drive’), but it keeps the quality of those songs consistent throughout. ‘Question Existing’ is especially a standout as it sees Rihanna at her most introspective, questioning how much she has been forced to endure in the music industry and how she has to constantly keep herself guarded. However, my personal favorite song from this album, and her whole discography, is the ridiculously entertaining ‘Lemme Get That,’ which sees her coyly playing a gold-digger. Listen to it one time, and I promise you will not get the chorus out of your head for days (“GOT A HOUSE BUT I NEED NEW FUR-NI-TUUUUUREE” stays in my mind rent-free). If you’re a pop-lover, this is an absolutely essential listen.
Rated R
Coming out during a dark period in her life, 2009’s Rated R is Rihanna’s most thematically mature album. Released nine months after a highly publicized assault from then-boyfriend Chris Brown, the pop queen decided to double down on the bold and in-control image she began during her last album cycle. The record incorporates more rock instrumentation to give it an edgier and more dangerous sound in contrast to the more lighthearted pop/R&B of her previous albums. Songs such as ‘G4L,’ ‘Rockstar 101,’ and ‘Hard’ serve as anthems for being in total control over your life and owning who you are. She serves a badass rockstar fantasy reminiscent of 80s rockers in terms of her larger-than-life persona. On the flipside, she also explores the trauma she suffered on songs such as ‘Cold Case Love’ and ‘Russian Roulette,’ which are genuinely heartbreaking songs given the context around this album. However, in my opinion no songs compare to the devastating ‘Fire Bomb,’ which strikes a perfect balance of grim storytelling while also being an entertaining song. She sings about a tragic relationship that is destined to fail, mirroring her own relationship at the time (“The lovers need to clear the road/ ‘Cause this thing is ready to blow/ I just wanna set you on fire so I won’t have to burn alone/ Then you, then you’ll know where I’m coming from/ Fire bomb”). It’s a perfect song to either cry to or scream along with while driving, and it remains my second favorite Rihanna song of all time. This album is truly unique as it doesn’t really sound like the typical pop music of the time. While this era of pop music was defined by dance and club bangers, this album further developed Rihanna’s ‘hard’ persona while also telling a tragic story. It’s heavy and dramatic while being empowering. It’s fun to get lost in the rockstar fantasy this album delivers, but the true strength of Rated R comes in the gut-wrenching storytelling and dark themes. While I can see why people prefer ANTI to her first three albums, I truly think Rated R is a strong contender for her best record.
Loud
Tonally and aesthetically opposite to its predecessor, 2010’s Loud is Rihanna’s most concise and consistently energetic record. With just eleven tracks, there is no filler to be found here. Instead, we’re treated to the most brash, in-your-face, and unapologetic (pun intended) dance-pop Rihanna has to offer, with some of the dancehall influence returning from her first two albums. Whether it’s an ode to the weekend on ‘Cheers (Drink to That)’ or arguably her sexiest song to date, ‘Skin,’ Loud includes hit after hit after hit. Any one of these songs could be huge on the radio even today. While the album does trade in Rated R’s intense themes and dramatic storytelling in favor of a ‘safer’ and more ‘commercial’ sound, I don’t think that works against it since Rihanna still brings all her charm and personality to each song. Similar to GGGB, she sounds like she’s having the time of her life on these songs. My favorite example of this is on ‘Raining Men,’ featuring Nicki Minaj (before having a Nicki feature was truly mainstream!), which has remained a summer playlist staple for me. It’s one of her catchiest and over-the-top songs, and Nicki’s verse is endlessly quotable (“And he sweating me just 'cause I got the tightest hole/ Bet I couldn't find that thing with a microscope,” “Really? / REALLY?!/ no for real, REALLY?!”). The album also slows down for songs such as ‘California King Bed’ and ‘Love the Way You Lie (Part II),’ which still manage to not sound jarring despite being ballads on a primarily dance-pop album. ‘California King Bed’ is especially one of her catchiest ballads and another great song to scream along with in the car with your windows down (if you’re not easily embarrassed). While I could see some people preferring the more personal Rated R, I enjoy Loud more for its insane energy. I also think it has her best selection of singles. Seriously, how can you compete with ‘Only Girl (In the World),’ ‘What’s My Name,’ and ‘S&M’?!
Talk That Talk
At this point in her career, Rihanna had been established as her generation’s Queen of Pop with about six years of non-stop hits under her belt. Despite this, she was still seen by many as a singles artist who simply bends her sound to fit in with popular radio. However, when it came time for her sixth studio album, 2011’s Talk That Talk, she once again proved that she doesn’t follow trends; she sets them. The lead single ‘We Found Love’ is undoubtedly one of the most influential songs of the 2010s, acting as one of the earliest mainstream breakthroughs of EDM (along with the fourth single ‘Where Have You Been’). Regardless of your thoughts on EDM and its influence on pop music, no one can deny that ‘We Found Love’ was a massive pop culture moment that many artists would spend the first half of the decade trying to imitate. The album itself follows in Loud’s dance-pop footsteps, though this time there are more electronic and hip hop elements. The album is also far more overt in its sexual themes when compared to her previous work, with the one-two punch of ‘Cockiness (Love It)’ and ‘Birthday Cake’ (not the Chris Brown version, but that should go without saying) acting as extremely memorable hoe anthems. In terms of slower moments, the album includes one of my personal favorite ballads of hers, ‘Farewell,’ which is more of a power-ballad with its explosive chorus. Talk That Talk also lives up to its title as it once again sees Rihanna as a fierce badass in songs like ‘Roc Me Out,’ ‘Red Lipstick,’ and the title track. She is totally confident and in control throughout as she owns her position of pop royalty, similar to the braggadocious personas seen in Britney’s Blackout or the Pussycat Dolls’ Doll Domination. While I don’t find this album as strong as her previous three, I still think it’s a great record with enough memorable hooks and stupidly catchy melodies (looking at you, ‘Watch n Learn’!) to warrant a listen.
Unapologetic
Her seventh album in seven damn-near consecutive years, Unapologetic wraps up the relentless earlier years of Rihanna’s superstardom on a fittingly no-fucks-given way. The album is sonically similar to Talk That Talk with heavy dance, electronic, and hip hop elements, with more dubstep thrown in (it was 2012, after all). The album has killer club cuts such as ‘Right Now’ and ‘Jump’ alongside arguably her most successful ballads ‘Diamonds’ and ‘Stay,’ with Mikky Ekko. The album certainly does feel like a time capsule of this era of music, but once again Rihanna manages to shine through some admittedly outdated production. ‘Phresh Out the Runway’ sees her coming into her own as the fashion icon she would later become (and is a damn fun song to play while trying on outfits and pretending they look good) while ‘Numb’ and ‘No Love Allowed’ pay tribute to her island roots. Some of the album even sounds like a proto-ANTI with songs like ‘Get It Over With’ and ‘Loveeeeeee Song,’ with Future, foreshadowing that album’s chill and atmospheric production. The highlight of the album, in my opinion, is the masterpiece that is ‘Love Without Tragedy / Mother Mary,’ a dual song that doesn’t feel nearly close to its runtime of seven minutes. The song’s first half sees her playing up her tumultuous relationship (“What’s love without tragedy?”) while the second sees her praying to Mother Mary and Jesus, pondering how she ever became so big and how badly she wants to change (“Mother Mary, I swear I wanna change/ Mister Jesus, I’d love to be a queen/ But I’m from the left side of an island/ Never thought this many people would even know my name”). On a similar note, ‘Half of Me’ acts as a plea to listeners who only saw Rihanna as a party girl to understand she’s more than what the media makes her out to be (“You saw me on a television/ Setting fire to all the buildings/ Yeah I guess you saw me stealing/ But you have no idea what I’ve been needing”). Introspective songs like this are why I really think Rihanna’s discography is deeper than a lot of people give her credit for. The album has a perfect balance of tender moments like this while also having the hook-heavy fun that Rihanna is known for.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, ANTI deserves all the praise it gets, but I think it’s a shame that it’s the only Rihanna album most people take seriously. There are so many great songs in her whole discography that prove she was much more than a ‘singles artist.’ Putting all her songs on shuffle is a guaranteed great time that I’d recommend to any pop lovers. If you haven’t given her pre-ANTI work a listen, I highly recommend doing so. For everyone that has listened to her older albums, what are some of your favorite songs? In addition, what are your favorite Rihanna albums?

Done with this life

My family started in a trailer in a poor part of my city. First my parents had my sister, and then me a year later. My parents never married, but they tried to make it work for me and my sister's sake. They made it into an apartment, and then eventually worked their way into beginning to pay on the house my mom still lives in today. Up until I was about 10 years old, my father and mom stayed together in this house, and it was the definition of hell. Screaming/fights almost every day. Sometimes my dad would start it, sometimes my mom would, sometimes me or my sister. My dad has thrown me across the room, slapped and punched my mom multiple times, (my mom is 5'2', my dad is 6'3'). He has issues, some from his own father dying while he was young, some from using/selling coke and weed and drinking. My mom told me when I was young (maybe 7-8 years old) she was raped by two men in her home state of Oklahoma, and I don't think I really processed it well as a kid. Her dad also died while she was young, he fell to his death on a construction site.
Me and my sister both have mental health issues nowadays, but she did make it through four years of college, which is more than either of my parents or me did. I personally have really bad anger issues and anxiety, PTSD from close range shoot outs and robberies. I struggle daily with depression and suicidal thoughts almost every day. I sold weed at a pretty decent level for a long time, 6-7 years. I started around 16 when I realized my parents didn't really have the money they were giving me for my weed/drug habit. 20 or so dollars every day was adding up and they would tell me. My mom was a manager at a Texas roadhouse around when I was 8-9-ish years old, and she ended up getting in between two drunk guys that were in a bar fight and she got punched in her neck. She ended up getting a $50,000ish settlement, but had to have multiple surgeries and will pretty much always be in pain and will always have metal in her neck to the point where she can feel it when its raining outside. My mom has never been great with finances, so that money after bills went by very fast. She did use probably 20-30 grand of it on a new truck. An brand new F-150. Remember she's 5'2" lol. That was definitely a mistake, and I think she knows it, but I've never been good with money either. My father has always been broke, to the point where he would ask my mother for money for his own weed and bills. I'm not sure where my dad lives now, last I heard it was in the mountains in North Carolina. He left the house when I was around 10 like I mentioned earlier. He went to his moms house for a while and then moved out. His mom took care of us a lot of nights that they couldn't because of work or other things. She's the sweetest most Christian grandmother you could imagine. She had four kids, and then as I mentioned her husband (my dads dad) died of a heart attack while they were all still young. I can't imagine the pain, I'm sure it messed my dad up pretty bad. I think these things are important to understand though, because they help me see why they were always so mad and upset always.
So in comes when it started getting hard. I had almost no friends in elementary school, I remember getting a "red card" in maybe second grade for punching a kid in the back, yes the back, lol. Because he was literally just talking to a girl I had a crush on. I never really talked to girls then, I would just decide I had a crush on them. In second grade. Lol. He didn't even hit me back, he was kind of just like "What the fuck?" And then I just walked away until a teacher came up to me that's all I remember. I've always been a kind of small and skinny dude, and I especially was back then. In middle school I started making some friends but I was always annoying them because I was always asking to hang out and to come over to their houses. I remember my bus route used to go through the nicest neighborhoods on my side of the city, I'm talking retired NFL player nice. they make my moms house look like a shack, and I don't know if I realized it back then, but it was making me jealous. The friends I ended up making in middle school were not very healthy friends, we were always the loud and obnoxious ones. I got into a lot of trouble starting around this time, 7th grade. I spent almost half of my 7th grade year in In School Suspension, just staring at wall while "doing" class work. It was also this year toward the end of the year that I got into my first real fight. I was always outspoken, and so was this other guy, but he lived in a super nice house and was from a rich ass family. We had a social studies class together, and one day, I'm not even sure how it started, he started making jokes about my mother working at chick fil a. She got that job after her neck was healed up just enough to get a job. She had to get a job, as she was my house's income. She loved and still loves that job, she's a manager now. But back then and how he made fun of her in front of my whole class while my teacher just didn't do anything about it, I was just so mad. So I told him I was going to beat his ass and after class (and more trolling me) we met next to the side of the school and a huge crowd gathered to watch. A lot of people, not the whole school, but most of my grade, because we all exited the same door if you rode on the bus. I threw the first punch, missed, he grabbed my neck and slammed my head into the brick wall, I tried to throw another punch, missed, and I just yelled "stop making fun of my mom" grabbed my backpack and got on the bus, Just cried the whole way home, my sister on the bus was just wondering what happened. I've never been good at explaining my thoughts or feelings to people, so most people think I'm even more dumb than I actually am. I didn't tell my family about that fight for years, even though my sister did. I just will never forget it. I even tried to tell people that I didn't lose that fight even though everyone heard about it. I just couldn't come to terms with it. 8th grade I don't have many memories of. I was a goofball, and my grades were really slipping now, even worse than the year before. Most people just saw me as that weird kid who got his ass beat. I think around this time I started to get very, very cynical with my worldview and my attitude. I was always on the internet when I could be, playing shitty games on our homes only computer; a dell desktop, and reading stupid conspiracy theories. Later I would start gaming pretty hard, and I loved watching streams all the way back to the justin.tv days. My dad had a PlayStation 1, and I loved watching him play Call of Duty. It might be my only good memory with my dad, honestly, and he never got to play a lot. The internet and my cynical world view pushed me away from religion, even though my family was heavily Christian. Even before this though, I hated going to church. From a young kid onward every single Sunday was a screaming match between me and my mom about not wanting to go to church. Sometimes she would end up getting me to go, but that was less and less, and before even middle school I just stopped going completely.
So in between middle and high-school I started smoking weed, it made me some new friends and got me into hanging out at a park near my moms house. This park would end up being where I spent most of my next 6-7 or so years. Most people knew it was a druggie park, would call us all "park rats" and make fun of us for wasting our time and money doing drugs. But I gained more memories here than I could ever write down, I probably could make a book out of those memories. There were all ages of people there, some young as me, some mid 30s-40s, a lot of weed smoking teens, a lot of acid tripping hippies, some Xanax/oxy fiends, and even some meth and heroine people. Most days it was just normal people getting fucked up to enjoy their time, but there was always plenty of drama. This park was known not just on my side of town but through the whole city. its kind of tucked away in woods, sits on a lake, and has a small disc-golf course, so you'd even have a bunch of random (probably) sober people show up to play some days, but they usually stayed on their course and away from us, minus a few of them. I started selling weed when my mom started telling me no to my almost daily asks of 20 dollars. I look back and realize she just didn't have the money to support my habits, and I understand now. But once I started selling weed, I realized I could start eating when I was hungry, I realized I could get and smoke weed almost whenever I wanted to. Being at the park always made it easier to sell it too, because people knew to come there to find some weed. I met a LOT of people selling, and I mean a LOT. I started moving up to QP's (quarter pounds) on the front (pay back later) and always found myself 100-200 short on my re-ups, usually just from smoking too much and cutting too many people deals, Like I said never been good with money.
Then the serious shit started happening. I was maybe 17-18 when I was at my weed guy's small apartment downtown one day. I always liked going over there, not only because I knew we'd be smoking a lot, but because me and my plug were close, I looked up to him, and we had a decently similar shitty upbringing. One day, I get a call to come chill downtown at his apartment, even had two of our friends come pick me up from the park and bring me there. Took fat dabs on the way (THC oil/wax) and when I got there he surprised us with sheets of Gel-Tabbed Acid. Strong shit. I took my usual 2 doses, I was known for tripping a lot back then, haven't tripped since this day. It was going to be a "No Traffic" day, meaning no sales in his apartment so we could just smoke and enjoy our time. His girlfriend at the time had arranged a deal between him and 3 people he did not know. A young (17 at the time) girl, a mid twenties white dude, and a mid twenties black dude. What we didn't know until after this, was they had set this up, and once inside (mind you we were tripping pretty hard at this point), the white dude and the black dude pulled a gun on my plug and my plug instantly pulled his and fired back and 20-30 shell casings later everyone ran to get out. This was a very small apartment. I mean very very small, 7 or so people all feet away from each other. I was literally sitting on the floor because there weren't enough chairs for everyone, even before the 3 robbers came in. I ducked behind the chair I was sitting next to. One of the people that drove me there got shot twice, once in the thigh and one through the side of his asscheek, no joke. The white guy who was robbing us took at least one to the chest, and was also crushed underneath us all as we all ran out and flooded the small staircase down, I could not describe to you how twisted and contorted his body was, and I had no doubt he was dead. I ran to find my plug, I'm not sure why, but I saw somehow he had made it all the way to the other side of the street already, and was on the ground. I ran up to him, not wanting to touch him, and told him an ambulance is coming and not to worry, he was laying there bleeding out of his mouth and chest with what I later found out were SEVEN BULLETS IN HIS CHEST. I watched him die, or so I thought. I yelled for someone to call an ambulance and when I saw some random student walking past was doing that I ran away and back to the two friends who had drove me there. They were freaking out, it was a dude and a girl, they were a couple at the time. The dude had just gotten shot two times. His girlfriend needed me to go back in and grab her purse and phone that were left in the chaos, I said no at first, but she begged me so I ran back to the staircase and over the white guy on the stairs who had robbed us, I definitely thought he was dead the way his body looked. I went back up the stairs and into the apartment and grabbed the phone and purse and all I could see was blood and holes everywhere, it was disgusting, and it makes me tear up while I type this. I got back into the car and they drove to the nearby hospital (The guy that got hit twice actually drove, believe it or not) and I got out of the car right before they pulled into the hospital.
I'm 23, and besides these last two years, I have been on probation/in legal trouble my whole life. When I was a juvenile, I was on Show-Cap probation, where a cop would most nights come check and make sure I was at home. A cop would wake my whole household up at anywhere from 10PM - 2AM just to make me show him a card I had and then would leave, almost every night. During the shooting I was talking about, I was on Show-Cap probation. That's why I got out of the car at the hospital. I wasn't supposed to be around certain people or things like guns, legally. I got out of my friends car and walked (still tripping balls) to a McDonalds a few blocks away, sat down, and called a friend, crying the whole time, and I just remember seeing black around the edges of my vision, like I was either dying or falling into a like dark area of some kind, definitely losing it to the drugs at this point. I got picked up and drove back to my moms house, I told the car full of people I was with what had happened and they couldn't offer much aside from positive words but I will never forget at least they came and got my ass quick. That was some real friend shit. I cried and cried the whole way back to my moms, got dropped off, and like clockwork a few minutes later my mom got home. I told her something had happened (but not the whole story yet) and I felt like I was going to be in a lot of trouble. About 30 minutes later, maybe in total 1-2 hours after the shooting, a black SUV pulled up to my moms house.
I had to go downtown, I will say my mom even made me one of the Sur-gel drinks I had been using to pass drug tests to drink during the car ride there. They weren't even trying to drug test me, I didn't ask her to, she was just that cool I guess. I rode an elevator up a huge building and they sat me down with two cops who were pretty convinced this was my doing in some way. They kept asking me why I had been talking to my plug that day and when I said I hadn't, they pulled up my phone logs and texts. So they not only knew about my outstanding legal issues, they also knew I was lying. I really was just lying because I thought just being there was going to violate my probation. They had me on camera every single step from leaving the car at the hospital to walking into the McDonalds. They really wanted to blame me, they even told me my friend (my plug) was dead and it made me cry and cry and cry and cry. In the end, they couldn't hold me there. They forced me to point at a picture line up of people but I told them over and over I didn't know what they looked like and that you shouldn't use what I say because I just didn't know. Whole time during all of this 3-4 hour interrogation, they yelled and screamed at me and at one point left me in the room for maybe 2 hours while I just cried and cried. They were probably just watching what I would do when alone. I was still tripping acid, hard, and just felt like death was all around me. All I could do was cry.
Like I said, they released me to my mother. They obviously had no evidence against me, but one thing that they asked me during the investigation was why was my plugs girlfriend outside talking to the 3 robbers (juvenile girl, white guy, black guy, the juvenile girl ended up getting some lesser felonies but she didn't have a gun or shoot anyone, she just tried to block the exit at first). That was enough for me to put together that she was behind this, set him up to have him robbed. She probably just expected my plug to just give up his shit without a fight, but no, no he would never just do that. Obviously this whole situation fucked me up pretty bad mentally. For weeks I thought my plug was dead. Until one day he literally just called me out of the blue. Told me to come see him at his moms house. I'm telling you, this was my brother. Got in my car and went to go see him. When I got there I tried to hug him but he said he couldn't hug anyone, he lifted up his shirt and it was like a Frankenstein stitching all across his whole chest. If I recall it was 8 bullets that hit him in total. He had to use crutches and a wheelchair to move around the little bit he could. He only has one lung now, and will never move the same. It was a miracle, but no one died during that shooting, not even the white guy robber, who was shot in the chest and trampled over on the staircase. The white guy (I keep saying white guy and black guy just because I'm not trying to give out names, I hate all people equally) ended up pleading guilty and sentenced to 30 something years in jail. The black-guy robber took it to trial and WON. No fingerprints on his taped up shitty little .22 caliber pistol. Jury found him not guilty, and he is a free man to this day. Plug's girlfriend that set it up was never even charged as an accessory, but she did violate her adult probation by being there. As if that's all she deserved. This is a true story, google Fort Sanders shooting, It'll come up. The only reason my name wasn't in the articles was because I was 17 years old at the time. Not even an adult yet.
They subpoena'd me after the shooting to make sure I'd show up to court or to trial. It wasn't until 4-5 years later the black-guy robber had his trial. By this time I had moved up a lot in the selling game, my plug (same plug) had moved out to the west coast to step up his game as well. Had my own house I was renting in my hometown, Knoxville, TN. Nice car, shitty (but real) diamond ring, bunch of shoes and clothes, 2 shitty cars. Tons of memories, good times and bad, important memories in between then and the trial. I've had a lot of friends die that I went to school/smoked with, especially when Fentanyl started coming around. From what I've heard that's a problem a lot of people share, fuck Fentanyl. I have done most drugs, but luckily I was just smart enough to stay away from shit like heroine and meth. (not to say Knoxville powder wasn't dirty, because it was) I just really liked weed, it has always calmed down my bad emotions from my childhood and from the events I've been through, I don't get to smoke a lot anymore, mostly because I am poor again now. Its still Illegal as fuck in my state too, but that's another story.
I declined to testify at the trial of the black guy robber, and they never asked me to testify at the white guys trial because he didn't have one, he plead guilty. I decided not to testify because of multiple reasons, one- I hate cops, and law enforcement. I understand some are actually decent people. But go through a day in jail without food, because they CO thinks you're lying about not getting a tray, and ask me how you feel about cops after. Go through getting kicked out of your high school during your SENIOR YEAR because someone told some teacher you had weed in your car. I got pulled out of class by cops and arrested, and my car wasn't even on school grounds. Cops used to roll through the park I grew up in and would get out and do pat downs on whoever couldn't run away in time. These things and many more have made me hate cops, and yes, I still to this day hate cops. Is me not testifying the reason one of the robbers walked free? Maybe. But I certainly had no new information to tell the jury they didn't already know. Especially if the no fingerprints on the weapon they recovered was the reason they acquitted him. Who knows, maybe me going in there and crying like a bitch or something would've made it the jury see the truth. Either way it does weigh heavy on my heart but even my plug didn't blame me for not testifying.
During and before and after the trial, me and my plug were still at work. This is when I had moved into my house I rented, after living in a shitty apartment. I fully furnished it and everything. Washer, dryer, Ps4, Xbox 1, queen sized bed, the works. Even the little shower floor mat, I loved that home.
Fast forward to early covid 2020, my plug was starting to get annoyed with me. I was always asking him about the next pack coming in, always wanting as much of it as he could get to me, and I was always on him about the quality of it, even though it was always above average and most of the time it was top shelf. He ran into some legal trouble driving through Texas, that and along with a few other things happening in his personal life, work for me started slowing down. I never was good at saving money, I knew I should, I'd always beat myself up for not having money when I needed it, but I just never could change my spending habits. I'm still not sold on the whole "trying to be something you're not" argument because I've never had to fake anything. Most of the people I was around have heard from others what I've been through. At one point people were driving 2-3 hours just to pick up from me. I've been robbed plenty of times and I've robbed others. One things for sure, if karma is real, then I've definitely paid my dues. I haven't been selling now or have been in any legal trouble for the longest stretch of time since I started it all almost 8 years ago. And yes, I am proud of that.
Almost all of the friends I've ever had have either robbed me or wronged me in some way, or I've cut contact for my own issues or reasons. As of today, I have one friend that lives in Ireland, and he's a great friend, but he's got his own life to live. I got evicted for giving a bad check to my landlord, 3 weeks before they did the eviction halting for covid, which is still active today. Unlucky for sure, but my fault nonetheless. Finding somewhere to live has always been a challenge for me because of my lack of provable income. Today I have decent credit, a credit card, and a few thousand dollars I have invested in my Robinhood account that I seem to keep losing and gaining back. I stream on Twitch, but my last stream I just sat and cried for like 2 and a half hours, its still the latest stream on my channel. No one wants to follow me or give me a chance, which I understand, I probably could make it work if I grinded harder and harder at it, its just depressing as fuck to sit there and talk to yourself for hours at the beginning.
Todays' (1/28/2021) events in the stock market made me write this. Me and my mom keep fighting and its BEEN PAST the time I move back out again. No one will lease to me. She wont even stay here until I leave, as of this last week. I'm waiting on my new debit card to get here in the mail, and whether I have somewhere to go or not, I told her I'd leave when it got here, I have been homeless a few times, lived in my car, extended stay hotels, other peoples' couches. Its hard, but I know that I can make it fine. Today I woke up and had $20,000 in my investments, up from $1,100 I started with at the beginning of January 2021. I finally felt a little bit positive about my future at least a little bit, after a very depressing Christmas and January. Then Robinhood and other brokers today cut off buying GME, AMC, and others. I was heavy into GME, having gotten in @ $69 (lol) dollars a share. It was $450+ per share this morning, after a week of mainstream media attention from every social media website, major TV news stations, and billionaires like Elon Musk, Mark Cuban, that Chamath guy (who seems awesome) and many more. Robinhood and a couple other brokers actually turned off the ability to buy the stock. Literally. All the stocks that were heavy volume "meme stocks" they cut off. I was in GME and AMC, but even Blackberry, Nokia, and others were cut off too. Needless to say, after the whole week of manufactured panic from all of these different sources, this straw broke the camels back. GME at this moment is trading @ 225, and I sold mine when I opened my app and saw it at 155, which was the lowest dip of the day. I came out in the green, I came out making a $1,500 or so dollars. But my portfolio by the time I cut AMC losses went from $20,000 this morning, down to $5,000 as I type this. I have never wanted to kill myself more than I do right now, mostly because this week it felt like I really earned this. I stayed diamond hands (held through the media pressure) through this whole week, only to give up at the end. It will hurt even more if GME recovers from this dip, but It's not because other people are making money without me, its because I could've used that money to move out, get some food to eat, get a new car that doesn't leak through the roof in case I'm living in it here in a couple days. And more importantly, I earned that money. I noticed the momentum before it even touched 40 a share. I've watch DFV's (roaring kitty on YouTube) 5-6 hour livestreams where he was going over the financials and spreadsheets of GameStop back in fucking 2019. I believed in this play and threw the money I had at it, and it should have worked out at least better than it did, I was planning to exit or at least hedge my earnings tomorrow, when shorts have to cover. But when I stepped away to eat lunch and take a shower because of how stressful this morning this morning was, I came back, opened my phone, and I was $15,000 down. So yes, my diamond hands failed. I sold. And while I still had a gain, its not at all what it should rightfully be. I can't even bitch and moan in the Wallstreetbets subreddit because apparently me being a lurker for a year isn't enough because of all of the newbies in there from all of the media attention.
So to finally wrap this up, I feel like I tried my best in this life. I haven't always been a good person, but not once have I thought to myself that I was evil. I'm too nice sometimes, and its gotten me fucked over, and I'd still go back and front friends weed or give them money/weed for free because I'm just not having fun unless people around me are too. Everyone's struggling in their own ways. I do not want to live on this earth any longer. I wrote this to at least explain to everyone what happened to me. And while I left out some very important parts in my life, this should give you a summary of what was going through my mind today. I really have been a good human being these last 2 years. Maybe I'm greedy for not selling earlier today. I was just so caught up in finally "sticking it to the man" and making the best play I've ever made I didn't want to feel like they would win by making us sell. I didn't even come out in the red, but goddamn it feels like I lost everything. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, just learn from my mistakes and take care of yourselves. You have to be stronger emotionally than I was. Move out of the U.S. if you can, its just greed and money that rule here. Maybe nowadays that's just everywhere.
Thank you to anyone that for some reason read all of this. To my dead friends Tad, Pmoney, Cierra, Raegan, Tina, I miss you guys and you better have a blunt for me when I see you all soon, I could really fucking use one about now. Much Love, - Bleezy

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TIFU I killed the best relationship in my life because she complimented me