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I never thought I would fall victim to the whole "girlfriend's crazy mom" thing but I think my experiences might be some of the worst. My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about seven months, I'm from the Midwest and she's from the East Coast. Our relationship is nearly perfect apart from the discord caused by her mother, who is becoming increasingly unstable and threatening not just our relationship but the mental well-being of her daughter.
As a very brief backstory: we met on tinder in March, hit it off, facetimed every day for a month and half and by the time I visited her for the first time in May, we were officially together (things just clicked...she is amazing otherwise I would never put up with her deranged mother). She goes to school in the city but commutes and lives in the suburbs with her mom and dad; and in May I stayed with her family for over a week. Most of the disturbing anecdotes happened with my second visit there and onward, but even within five minutes of meeting her mom for the first time, I got a "this woman is gonna be a piece of work" vibe. From that first visit she would call her daughter at least ten times a day; and if she doesn't answer? She'll literally keep calling a dozen times in a row on repeat. I would later find out she most likely has bipolar disorder as well as potentially more mental illness (at her most recent visit just weeks ago her personal doctor she's known for years called her "crazy"- verbatim - and said she needed professional help; she dismissed it as his overreacting). Her brother is also a hospitalized schizophrenic with a long, sad mental health history. It runs in her family. It's also important to note by my GF's own admission "her parents know I'm the best guy she's ever brought home" and I say it not with hubris but candor that I'm great with parents and always exceptionally cordial, so it's not like I did anything to outright irk the mom. I'm a few years older than my GF, but her mom and dad not only have the identical age gap but married young at 21 and it's not an issue.
Anyway, my second visit to my GF's house is when it really became apparent her mom was truly...crazy; and each day seemed to progressively get worse. My GF and I had to rush home from the city to meet her mom and dad for a movie- which her mom promptly made us leave 30 min in because it was too violent (ironic given her behavior).
We go up to a cabin in the Poconos for most of the week to spend time with my GF's dad's family including her elderly grandma (it should be noted my GF's dad is a meek man and a total push over for the mom); but her mom just complains the entire time and is visibly annoyed having to be with these people. She ends up spending each night off at a casino feeding her gambling addiction (more on that later) and ends up leaving the Poconos early to spend the rest of the week gambling in Atlantic City; but not before complaining the whole time about things as trivial as being inexplicably jealous over my GF's grandma's sleeping arrangements or offer her continuously critique of my GF's diet (my GF is a fit girl and was on vacation so dieting wasn't priority; not to mention how hypocritical it was as her mother is extremely obese).
My GF and I get back from the Poconos on Friday and her parents return next morning from Atlantic City. That Sunday we planned (weeks in advance I might add) on going to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Festival and Hershey PA...well, her mom informs us last minute she's having her grandma's (mom's mom, different from the Poconos grandma) birthday party that day (party is an overstatement- it's the mom, the dad, my GF, and her grandma. That's it). My GF was surprised as her grandma's birthday isn't for days, but her mom decided to make it early and also mandatory for me and my GF; when my GF informed her we had plans her mom said it's ok- we don't have to be back til 2 or 3..now the festival is a big outdoor event and would take a few hours to drive to let alone explore, not to mention check out Hershey PA after; so our plans were effectively quashed- and my GF and I planned this all a while in advance.
We hurriedly moved everything up a day and rushed to do it that Saturday to clear Sunday for the birthday, but it didn't matter because the mom had a TOTAL MELTDOWN anyway. By late morning Sunday I am hearing screaming coming from downstairs- her mom is flipping out about planning for the party. I stayed hidden upstairs in my gf's bed (they live in a small house and it's a weird set up- it's like the whole upstairs is her mini apartment and the parents live downstairs) while I heard the mom wailinggg for hours before she finally stormed out in exasperation. They were either fighting over inane things like her mom micromanaging her or her mom making sweeping and false generalizations about my GF insinuating malfeasance or disobedience. Her dad came up to me after and apologized like a dog with its tail in between its legs.
As a brief aside, it's important to establish my GF is a living Saint and the example of a perfect daughter. She dotes on her parents continuously (cooks practically every meal for them, does everything for them- if you can think of it she does it) and works so much she has two jobs. Any accusations by her mom of anything less than diligence and hard work are utter lunacy.
Two days after the birthday "party", I'm waiting for my GF to come home from her morning shift but I knew something was awry when she texted how her mom came into work; long story short her mom ends up losing her mind again, this time over risqué photos of my GF she found on my GF's computer. Her mom will sometimes ask to use my GF's computer as it's the only one in their family, and her mom claims there was a "link" to the photos that she easily clicked on (I find this highly suspect as my GF showed me where she hid the photos and I remember being surprised how well hidden they were). As I'm sure it's no surprise, her mom has another meltdown. Now if I were a parent, my reaction personally would have been to close the computer, red faced and mentally scarred, and then maybe write a TIFU "I accidentally saw naked pictures of my daughter" etc; or if you felt compelled to say something, do it with tact...but no, her her mom makes it a point to embarrass my GF into a drawn out prolonged ordeal, calling her reprehensible names and telling us to leave, even telling her grandma. We're halfway to my friend's apartment in the city when her mom orders her back threatening to throw her out if she doesn't. So we go back and my GF leaves me in the car while she goes in. FIFTY minutes she talks to them while I waited anxiously in the car (later she told me how heated it got; when her mom asked why she took the photos she said sobbing in front of her mom and dad that she's "in a long distance relationship and would rather masturbate to her having sex with her BF" by watching videos of us). Then my GF comes out, ushering me back in. And this is what's weird- in about two minutes her mom moved on from the dirty photos subject that she was formerly foaming at the mouth over. I never even had a chance to excuse or explain myself. Instead her mom tries to say she didn't realize how serious we were as a couple and it was a surprise...and then she starts asking me really weird, personal information about my student loans (I have a BA and a JD). I start to wonder what's going on and why she's asking questions like that and the minute I said I wasn't comfortable discussing something with my GF's parents that I haven't even discussed with my own GF yet, it was like something snapped instantly. She seemed incensed and got super offended and seemed almost enraged I said the word "uncomfortable". Her own husband agreed with me and actually said anyone would feel that way in that situation to which she just goes "no, no, no, no" shaking her head, getting up from her chair and walking into the kitchen yelling nonsensical stuff berating my GF once again and forcing me to leave.
I stay the night in the city with my friend planning on returning the next night...but her mom was still pissy and wanted to be alone. My friend had to leave that night, so I was forced to buy a hotel to sleep at alone while my GF endured another nightly barrage of verbal torment from her mom.
Apparently, I was able to come home the next day because my GF struck a "bargain" that she would do whatever her mom needed so I could stay (since she already did everything but wipe them, idk how this was a deal). So she gets me from the hotel after her shift and we plan on going to this historic tower with stunning views, it's open til 4 each day and it's our last day to be able to go because the next couple days we were going to Atlantic City before I left (her mom's gambling addiction gives her free rooms). When her mom finds out, she goes ballistic. Apparently my GF told her mom that she would vacuum the living room and Lysol the counters, and her mom was flipping out because it couldn't wait. My GF told her she would do it after 4 pm when the tower closed, just to wait literally an hour so we could make the tower before close, but her mom was immune to reason, wailing that it was a "promise" etc; so because of her mom's inability to compromise or recognize a contingency we missed seeing the tower so she could vacuum a floor. I had her drop me off at the local library to avoid any contact with the mom for that night (24 hours and we would be in Atlantic city).
The mom went to Atlantic City to ostensibly check us in to the hotel but in reality was a thinly veiled excuse to tag along to fuel her gambling addiction. Unlike her bipolar disorder her addiction is well documented with counseling and everything - she's actually banned from her local casinos hence her eagerness to cross state lines to Atlantic City, NJ. She tried crashing our dinner plans- two nights in a row - but quick thinking saying we had already made reservations shook her off...but the entire weekend in Atlantic city she was there gambling in the underbelly of the casino, and of course calling/texting her daughter an insane amount of times.
After I came home, things were not great between my GF and her mom but they came to a head when her mom came into her work and said "your dealer came to our house" and how she wanted my GF out...my GF came to find out her mom read her diary and happened upon an old entry where she talked about finding a new guy to buy weed from (she would never in a million years have someone come to her house). As if the invasive diary reading wasn't enough, she further tormented my GF screaming that whole night culminating in the mom holding a knife to her own (the mom's) throat threatening to kill herself. My GF said that was the worst it's ever been because in the past she "would just grab knives, never hold them to her throat". I was aghast - this behavior wasn't the first time?!
Her mom said more cruel stuff since, including chastising her dad for his infertility (my GF broke down crying mentioning this and that how her mom has never went that far...they used a donor years ago to conceive her). She also shows wild inconsistency: for example while I was there she complained about not getting to see me and my GF and that my GF and I were doing too much stuff on our own; then in the next breath of the same conversation complained she had no space with me there (she's clearly conjuring that in her head as I stay out of sight out of mind hidden in GF's room or out with her whenever possible)...this echoes a larger flip/flop sentiment she's had with my GF, complaining that my GF spends too much time with her friends and not enough at home then saying the opposite that my GF needs to get her own place.
Right now her mom is flipping out because I bought her a ticket to come for Halloween weekend (Thursday-Monday) but she "already visited once this month" during the first weekend of October (although I feel the real reason is that her mom just wants to object and is looking for any excuse). She got so angry she started breaking things all over and even got in a physical brawl with my GF's dad. She even took the day off she's so worked up about it.
My GF and I are in a long distance relationship already and she's going to study abroad next semester so until I visit I her abroad in 4 or 5 months I'm only going to maybe see her Christmas break and a few days around thanksgiving, so it's not like Halloween weekend is the end of the world. My GF is very responsible when she sees me- it's just a long weekend after all, she makes up missed classes and gets shifts covered. She's quite literally hurting no one seeing me, not to mention at no cost as I payed for the ticket...but because my GF "promised" she would only see me that one weekend this month (an empty promise to supplicate when her mom was being crazy about visiting), she is refusing to listen to reason and see how a long weekend isn't a big deal. My GF spends every Halloween weekend away anyway- there's no difference between spending it with me and spending it with other friends.
A final note- I can't stress what a kind, loving person my GF is. I've never seen someone more gifted with children or with a bigger heart. She shows nothing of her mom's repugnant traits. Her mom also had breast cancer about 8 years ago, so there is certainly a vestigial fear of losing her from that.
The question is twofold: - in the short term, is there anyway to convince her mom how absurd she is being regarding Halloween weekend? I have already not only bought the plane ticket but made plans including arranging her meeting my grandma (who was hospitalized twice in the last couple weeks, she doesn't have long I want her to meet my GF). - And secondly, what can I or more likely my GF do to convince her mother that her behavior is irrational, dangerous, and that she needs to seek help? She said because her mom works at a hospital her mom would never wanna admit she needs help- although she said her mom could be convinced for group/family therapy.
TL;DR: My GF's mom is mentally unstable, tormenting our relationship and my GF, and culminating in physical violence; episodes like reading my GF's diary or finding risqué photos just set her off more and more until she does things like take a knife to her own throat; what solutions exist in the short and long term?

I never thought I would fall victim to the whole "girlfriend's crazy mom" thing but I think my experiences might be some of the worst. My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about seven months, I'm from the Midwest and she's from the East Coast. Our relationship is nearly perfect apart from the discord caused by her mother, who is becoming increasingly unstable and threatening not just our relationship but the mental well-being of her daughter.
As a very brief backstory: we met on tinder in March, hit it off, facetimed every day for a month and half and by the time I visited her for the first time in May, we were officially together (things just clicked...she is amazing otherwise I would never put up with her deranged mother). She goes to school in the city but commutes and lives in the suburbs with her mom and dad; and in May I stayed with her family for over a week. Most of the disturbing anecdotes happened with my second visit there and onward, but even within five minutes of meeting her mom for the first time, I got a "this woman is gonna be a piece of work" vibe. From that first visit she would call her daughter at least ten times a day; and if she doesn't answer? She'll literally keep calling a dozen times in a row on repeat. I would later find out she most likely has bipolar disorder as well as potentially more mental illness (at her most recent visit just weeks ago her personal doctor she's known for years called her "crazy"- verbatim - and said she needed professional help; she dismissed it as his overreacting). Her brother is also a hospitalized schizophrenic with a long, sad mental health history. It runs in her family. It's also important to note by my GF's own admission "her parents know I'm the best guy she's ever brought home" and I say it not with hubris but candor that I'm great with parents and always exceptionally cordial, so it's not like I did anything to outright irk the mom. I'm a few years older than my GF, but her mom and dad not only have the identical age gap but married young at 21 and it's not an issue.
Anyway, my second visit to my GF's house is when it really became apparent her mom was truly...crazy; and each day seemed to progressively get worse. My GF and I had to rush home from the city to meet her mom and dad for a movie- which her mom promptly made us leave 30 min in because it was too violent (ironic given her behavior).
We go up to a cabin in the Poconos for most of the week to spend time with my GF's dad's family including her elderly grandma (it should be noted my GF's dad is a meek man and a total push over for the mom); but her mom just complains the entire time and is visibly annoyed having to be with these people. She ends up spending each night off at a casino feeding her gambling addiction (more on that later) and ends up leaving the Poconos early to spend the rest of the week gambling in Atlantic City; but not before complaining the whole time about things as trivial as being inexplicably jealous over my GF's grandma's sleeping arrangements or offer her continuously critique of my GF's diet (my GF is a fit girl and was on vacation so dieting wasn't priority; not to mention how hypocritical it was as her mother is extremely obese).
My GF and I get back from the Poconos on Friday and her parents return next morning from Atlantic City. That Sunday we planned (weeks in advance I might add) on going to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Festival and Hershey PA...well, her mom informs us last minute she's having her grandma's (mom's mom, different from the Poconos grandma) birthday party that day (party is an overstatement- it's the mom, the dad, my GF, and her grandma. That's it). My GF was surprised as her grandma's birthday isn't for days, but her mom decided to make it early and also mandatory for me and my GF; when my GF informed her we had plans her mom said it's ok- we don't have to be back til 2 or 3..now the festival is a big outdoor event and would take a few hours to drive to let alone explore, not to mention check out Hershey PA after; so our plans were effectively quashed- and my GF and I planned this all a while in advance.
We hurriedly moved everything up a day and rushed to do it that Saturday to clear Sunday for the birthday, but it didn't matter because the mom had a TOTAL MELTDOWN anyway. By late morning Sunday I am hearing screaming coming from downstairs- her mom is flipping out about planning for the party. I stayed hidden upstairs in my gf's bed (they live in a small house and it's a weird set up- it's like the whole upstairs is her mini apartment and the parents live downstairs) while I heard the mom wailinggg for hours before she finally stormed out in exasperation. They were either fighting over inane things like her mom micromanaging her or her mom making sweeping and false generalizations about my GF insinuating malfeasance or disobedience. Her dad came up to me after and apologized like a dog with its tail in between its legs.
As a brief aside, it's important to establish my GF is a living Saint and the example of a perfect daughter. She dotes on her parents continuously (cooks practically every meal for them, does everything for them- if you can think of it she does it) and works so much she has two jobs. Any accusations by her mom of anything less than diligence and hard work are utter lunacy.
Two days after the birthday "party", I'm waiting for my GF to come home from her morning shift but I knew something was awry when she texted how her mom came into work; long story short her mom ends up losing her mind again, this time over risqué photos of my GF she found on my GF's computer. Her mom will sometimes ask to use my GF's computer as it's the only one in their family, and her mom claims there was a "link" to the photos that she easily clicked on (I find this highly suspect as my GF showed me where she hid the photos and I remember being surprised how well hidden they were). As I'm sure it's no surprise, her mom has another meltdown. Now if I were a parent, my reaction personally would have been to close the computer, red faced and mentally scarred, and then maybe write a TIFU "I accidentally saw naked pictures of my daughter" etc; or if you felt compelled to say something, do it with tact...but no, her her mom makes it a point to embarrass my GF into a drawn out prolonged ordeal, calling her reprehensible names and telling us to leave, even telling her grandma. We're halfway to my friend's apartment in the city when her mom orders her back threatening to throw her out if she doesn't. So we go back and my GF leaves me in the car while she goes in. FIFTY minutes she talks to them while I waited anxiously in the car (later she told me how heated it got; when her mom asked why she took the photos she said sobbing in front of her mom and dad that she's "in a long distance relationship and would rather masturbate to her having sex with her BF" by watching videos of us). Then my GF comes out, ushering me back in. And this is what's weird- in about two minutes her mom moved on from the dirty photos subject that she was formerly foaming at the mouth over. I never even had a chance to excuse or explain myself. Instead her mom tries to say she didn't realize how serious we were as a couple and it was a surprise...and then she starts asking me really weird, personal information about my student loans (I have a BA and a JD). I start to wonder what's going on and why she's asking questions like that and the minute I said I wasn't comfortable discussing something with my GF's parents that I haven't even discussed with my own GF yet, it was like something snapped instantly. She seemed incensed and got super offended and seemed almost enraged I said the word "uncomfortable". Her own husband agreed with me and actually said anyone would feel that way in that situation to which she just goes "no, no, no, no" shaking her head, getting up from her chair and walking into the kitchen yelling nonsensical stuff berating my GF once again and forcing me to leave.
I stay the night in the city with my friend planning on returning the next night...but her mom was still pissy and wanted to be alone. My friend had to leave that night, so I was forced to buy a hotel to sleep at alone while my GF endured another nightly barrage of verbal torment from her mom.
Apparently, I was able to come home the next day because my GF struck a "bargain" that she would do whatever her mom needed so I could stay (since she already did everything but wipe them, idk how this was a deal). So she gets me from the hotel after her shift and we plan on going to this historic tower with stunning views, it's open til 4 each day and it's our last day to be able to go because the next couple days we were going to Atlantic City before I left (her mom's gambling addiction gives her free rooms). When her mom finds out, she goes ballistic. Apparently my GF told her mom that she would vacuum the living room and Lysol the counters, and her mom was flipping out because it couldn't wait. My GF told her she would do it after 4 pm when the tower closed, just to wait literally an hour so we could make the tower before close, but her mom was immune to reason, wailing that it was a "promise" etc; so because of her mom's inability to compromise or recognize a contingency we missed seeing the tower so she could vacuum a floor. I had her drop me off at the local library to avoid any contact with the mom for that night (24 hours and we would be in Atlantic city).
The mom went to Atlantic City to ostensibly check us in to the hotel but in reality was a thinly veiled excuse to tag along to fuel her gambling addiction. Unlike her bipolar disorder her addiction is well documented with counseling and everything - she's actually banned from her local casinos hence her eagerness to cross state lines to Atlantic City, NJ. She tried crashing our dinner plans- two nights in a row - but quick thinking saying we had already made reservations shook her off...but the entire weekend in Atlantic city she was there gambling in the underbelly of the casino, and of course calling/texting her daughter an insane amount of times.
After I came home, things were not great between my GF and her mom but they came to a head when her mom came into her work and said "your dealer came to our house" and how she wanted my GF out...my GF came to find out her mom read her diary and happened upon an old entry where she talked about finding a new guy to buy weed from (she would never in a million years have someone come to her house). As if the invasive diary reading wasn't enough, she further tormented my GF screaming that whole night culminating in the mom holding a knife to her own (the mom's) throat threatening to kill herself. My GF said that was the worst it's ever been because in the past she "would just grab knives, never hold them to her throat". I was aghast - this behavior wasn't the first time?!
Her mom said more cruel stuff since, including chastising her dad for his infertility (my GF broke down crying mentioning this and that how her mom has never went that far...they used a donor years ago to conceive her). She also shows wild inconsistency: for example while I was there she complained about not getting to see me and my GF and that my GF and I were doing too much stuff on our own; then in the next breath of the same conversation complained she had no space with me there (she's clearly conjuring that in her head as I stay out of sight out of mind hidden in GF's room or out with her whenever possible)...this echoes a larger flip/flop sentiment she's had with my GF, complaining that my GF spends too much time with her friends and not enough at home then saying the opposite that my GF needs to get her own place.
Right now her mom is flipping out because I bought her a ticket to come for Halloween weekend (Thursday-Monday) but she "already visited once this month" during the first weekend of October (although I feel the real reason is that her mom just wants to object and is looking for any excuse). She got so angry she started breaking things all over and even got in a physical brawl with my GF's dad. She even took the day off she's so worked up about it.
My GF and I are in a long distance relationship already and she's going to study abroad next semester so until I visit I her abroad in 4 or 5 months I'm only going to maybe see her Christmas break and a few days around thanksgiving, so it's not like Halloween weekend is the end of the world. My GF is very responsible when she sees me- it's just a long weekend after all, she makes up missed classes and gets shifts covered. She's quite literally hurting no one seeing me, not to mention at no cost as I payed for the ticket...but because my GF "promised" she would only see me that one weekend this month (an empty promise to supplicate when her mom was being crazy about visiting), she is refusing to listen to reason and see how a long weekend isn't a big deal. My GF spends every Halloween weekend away anyway- there's no difference between spending it with me and spending it with other friends.
A final note- I can't stress what a kind, loving person my GF is. I've never seen someone more gifted with children or with a bigger heart. She shows nothing of her mom's repugnant traits. Her mom also had breast cancer about 8 years ago, so there is certainly a vestigial fear of losing her from that.
The question is twofold: - in the short term, is there anyway to convince her mom how absurd she is being regarding Halloween weekend? I have already not only bought the plane ticket but made plans including arranging her meeting my grandma (who was hospitalized twice in the last couple weeks, she doesn't have long I want her to meet my GF). - And secondly, what can I or more likely my GF do to convince her mother that her behavior is irrational, dangerous, and that she needs to seek help? She said because her mom works at a hospital her mom would never wanna admit she needs help- although she said her mom could be convinced for group/family therapy.
TL;DR: My GF's mom is mentally unstable, tormenting our relationship and my GF, and culminating in physical violence; episodes like reading my GF's diary or finding risqué photos just set her off more and more until she does things like take a knife to her own throat; what solutions exist in the short and long term?